Too late to have a baby???

NAR

clare1angel wrote: »

I suppose his age is the main concern and although he say's he's ok either way I don't want him to feel like I'm backing him into a corner and that he has to agree because he loves me - if that makes sense at all??
Definitely time for a very deep and frank conversation :-/

It makes a LOT of sense to me. He may well have thought "my kids are raised and it is now time to enjoy life a bit more," even though it is with a new partner. Definitely a time for a frank conversation - he has got to tell you if he is prepared to go through helping raise another child now. At 50 he is probably young enough to deal with a teenager when he is 65, but will he be at 70 or above? (ie if you don't conceive for say 5 years).

There is no doubt it will be a big change to your lifestyles; you seem to want a child, but what is more important being with your OH or potentially being a one parent family. Sorry if that sounds blunt, I'm just trying to be realistic.

Bottom line is it could work, but only if OH really wants it too and not just to please you.

ajaney

I had my first with my 'older' partner in 2010 - I was 32, he was 42. He has a now 16 year old with a previous partner. OH seperated from ex when his older son was 3 (although he has stayed living in the same village & we have older son stay 2 times & week, sometimes more)

I was on the pill from 15 (periods) to 29, took me almost 2 years to fall pregnant but can't be certain whether that was due to being on the pill.

I wasnt bothered about having a child at all until I reached my late 20's then I kind of got this feeling aka biological clock ticking that i would like to have a child. I talked to my OH who had never really indicated whether he wanted more. OH was aware he would be an older father & this worried him a little. i said I would take on all the night feeding/nappy changing & be the main carer which i have done. Don't get me wrong, OH has helped & has been/is brilliant with our little one but i think my taking this 'role' on board has made it easier for him to enjoy it. OH works shifts & is the breadwinner as I work 2 days a week which pays mainly for the nursery which little one goes to as we dont plan for any more. Our financial situation is tight (no holidays/weekends away or fancy cars) but we have no debt & we are happy.

You need to have a big upfront 'cards on the table' talk. No one can tell you how your partner really feels. Think also about the changes to your own life/career.

Good luck x

BitterAndTwisted

He already has children but not with you so the issue probably isn't pressing to him at all. Plus, he's been through all the sleepless nights and what have you before so the charm of that particular idea has probably worn off.

He most certainly is not too old to be a father again: there are plenty of kids who were born to Dads in their 50s or older and have been brought up with love and everything else they needed.

As I see it what matters is what you want. It's already been said: most women don't regret bringing children into this world whatever the outcome but there are many, many who do regret not becoming mothers while they still could. You've got at least a decade on the inside to make your decision and act on it if you want to, so there's no rush at all.

pinkclouds

If your husband is happy for you to decide then it's up to you to make the decision. Would you regret not having a baby? If so, then you are young enough to have one. Your husband could get knocked down by a bus tomorrow or he could live for another 30 years. If you can afford a child (emotionally, financially, physically, etc) and you want a child then go ahead and have a baby. I was on the combined pill for about a decade before having my kids.

I will add the proviso that your child *may* resent having an older dad. I recall one friend* who thought her parents were selfish because her dad would die long before her friend's fathers did. However, while death is certain, the time it happens is not. Plus, your child will have older siblings and you won't be an old mom so it's not like they won't have plenty of family around them.

an9i77

I just wanted to say, you have plenty of time to have a baby if that's what you and your partner want. Yes it will turn your life upside down but it is so rewarding having a child. I found myself pregnant, six months into a new relationship, a couple of years ago and at first I panicked thinking was it what i wanted, would i loose my freedom etc but now my son is here he is the best thing, he has enriched our lives so much, I look back and think what was i worrying about (not that I'd have had an abortion, but I did wonder if it was going to affect my life in a negative way).

I think once you are in to your 30s most people are ready to settle down and have had their fill of their freedom years where they could go where they wanted whenever they wanted etc. You just move on to a new phase of life where what you want changes.

Having said that though, it is such a commitment having a child that it is not to be entered into lightly. But until you experience it you cannot imagine the joy it can bring you!

Although you're not too old, this is the right time to be thinking about it. You may find that in a few years time, you are approcahing the 'older' end of the spectrum particularly if you decide at a later date you want more than one. You need to try and imagine what you'll feel like if you get to your mid 40s and had chosen not to have a child - do you think you'd regret not having one more than you'd regret having one?

But if you're worried about how it will affect your life, well I look back at my old life and to be honest I'm glad not to be there anymore. Three years ago, I was a single girl, partying every weekend, my life couldn't have been more different to what it is now, and I don't miss it one bit!

marleyboy

Both me and my partner are in our early 40's, we have a beautiful Son neither of us regret. Nothing could have made us happier than a new member of our family.

Relaxing holidays are over for us, but its a small insignificant sacrifice when compared to the joys of seeing our baby smile each morning.

Seanymph

It's so hard that I think if you don't WANT one, then you have your answer.

I can totally see your partners approach. What he's saying is he is not motivated at all to have another child, is happy without one - but if it's important to you then he'll do it again to make you happy.

So it really is your decision.

Do you want one?

SqueekyMouse

Hi there,
I don't think you can ever be certain if you want children until you have them. That was certainly my experience anyway. We umed and ahed for over a year before we started trying. The more you think about it the more complicated you make it in your own mind.

Having children will change your lifestyle and your priorities. Since your husband has already experienced this life altering "event" I'd be inclined to find out why he's not giving you a yes or a no answer. I would disagree with him when he says it's up to you, since you quite rightly point out that having a baby will impact hugely on your lives. Or does he envisage you being the main career so his life can proceed mainly unaltered? I would worry if he agreed to a baby just to make you happy without wanting another child himself, because of course that could lead to both of you resenting the other (especially at a 2am crying marathon!) I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him about what you both want.

clare1angel wrote: »

I guess I'm scared because I know if we have a child it will most definately be an only child and although DH has grown up kids (who have kids of their own now) I'm not sure they will play a part in any child's life that we may have as we don't see much of them anyway.
I also feel that I'm being selfish to DH as due to his age he would be looking forward to retiring in 10+ years and I just don't know whether a child would end up resenting us for having an older parent??

Just wanted to add that I grew up in a similar situation to the one any future child of yours would be in. My Mum had 2 grown up kids from a previous relationship, then married my dad (no previous kids) and they had me when my mum was 39 and my dad was 54. When I was at primary school my friends used to ask if my dad was my grandad, which was a bit embarrassing. My sister also used to get mistaken as my mum - which she hated. Since my siblings were much older than me and had left home it often felt like I was an only child. However, I loved my childhood. Having older parents meant they were more settled - they'd reached the top of their careers so money wasn't such an issue, nor did we have to move house for their work. They had plenty of time for me since they weren't struggling to move up the career ladder etc. So I defiantly didn't resent having older parents, although now I do worry about their mortality, which I wouldn't have been doing for another 10 years or so had they been a more "normal" childbearing age when they had me

sharrison778

clare1angel wrote: »

I guess I'm scared because I know if we have a child it will most definately be an only child and although DH has grown up kids (who have kids of their own now) I'm not sure they will play a part in any child's life that we may have as we don't see much of them anyway.
I also feel that I'm being selfish to DH as due to his age he would be looking forward to retiring in 10+ years and I just don't know whether a child would end up resenting us for having an older parent??


:A

I havent read all the responses but your line about resentment over an older parent stood out to me.

My parents were 36 when I was born - so not old by standards today but all my friends parents were in their 20's.

And I loved it. I appreciated that my parents had had experiences before I was born. I loved looking at photos of my mother travelling around Europe or my dad's time in the army. I was proud when my mother would pick me up from school dressed in her corporate work clothes because she looked so impressive.

I am 29 and my OH is 42. Sure, sometimes I wish he was closer to my age so he could be a younger Dad but ultimately his experiences make him who he is and will make him a better father.

So dont stress about the resentment thing.

pigpen

My uncle had 1 at 49 and one 15 months later at 50 with his 30 y/o gf... so pretty much the same age as you 2 and they brought a joy to his life he had never before experienced.. what they didn't know was he would die at 51 (aneurism) and she would die 2 years later, almost to the day! at 33... They were both in decent health. and it is just they way things go sometimes.. mortality is something you would have to consider.. you may both live to be 100.. but you have to consider if you could deal with losing hubby while the children were fairly young.

my friend at school had a much older father than mum and he died when she was 11 and it was so very hard for her, I think she was badly affected even as an adult.

I have another friend who had her children at 28 and 31 and her husband is 21 years older and they are both fit and well, the children are 10 and 13 now and while the dad is often assumed to be the grandparent they are a wonderful, happy family..

For me, death would be my biggest worry, but I have bit of a phobia there anyway.. anything else is workable one way or another..

If he didn't want children you would be told.. men are very good at saying what they don't want but less so what they do so anything less than an outright no is a yes.. lol.

You really need to sit with him and have an in depth discussion and sort it properly. He won't resent a baby, he will probably also be a better parent to yours than he was his others given more patience and time and fewer pressures.. I know that has been the case for me with my youngest 2.