Too late to have a baby???

Zara77

Hi I am the same age as the op. I have a slightly different take. I lost my father about 4 years, i was only 27yrs old. My father was 76yrs old when he died. I advise you to really contemplate life without a partner,when your child is older. It is hard and really unfair on the child. There are times even now when i could do with having my father around. Living with the knowledge that he will never be here to walk me down the aisle. He will miss my post graduation, or see me achieving my goals. But more than these 'big' moments, he is not here for if i need advise,direction or just a hug. So i do resent him having me so late in life,don't get me wrong he was a wonderful father but he is not here now.
It is really hard when i speak with friends, they still have their fathers around and it really brings it home(even more so).
I know life comes with no assurances,that one can have parents die at any age. But to knowingly bring a child into the world, when the decision is down to one parent-well it bodes not well for the future.
My mother is great but i do wonder if she has regrets about my father. The age difference between my parents is similar to the op. In the end she became his carer, whilst raising me. It was a huge strain on her emotionally and physically. These are real problems to consider-as people get older,they do get ailed. Could you cope with a young child and being a carer?
My own experiences have left me some what jaded, so much so-that i consider myself to old to start a family. I wish you the very best in the choices that you have ahead.

BitterAndTwisted

Unfair on the child to lose a parent because they might be a bit older than their friends' Dads? Plenty of unfortunate children lose a parent well before they reach a decent old age: it's tragic and very sad but not "unfair". What's "unfair" to my mind is to bring a child into this world and not strive to give them the right nurturing, guidance and love. The age of either parent has nothing to do with it. It's very common indeed these days for people to start their families later and later in life. I doubt that the majority of those children will be scarred for life or resentful in any way. There's a lot to be said for people having a great deal of life-experience to bring to their parenting. 17 or a 57 year old Dad? I know which I'd choose if I could

busiscoming2

Surely you have to REALLY want children to have them? I had a very strong maternal instinct and so knew I didn't want a life without them.

I would imagine it is harder for your partner as he had been through it all and now has time for himself (and you), this is what I am looking forward to now my youngest is almost an adult.

I did get very broody in my early 40's which I took to being my body telling me 'last chance, before its too late'. It did pass and now a few years on the thought of having another child (if it should happen) is not very welcome.

As for being older parents and dying etc, I wouldn't worry.

JC9297

Zara77 wrote: »

Hi I am the same age as the op. I have a slightly different take. I lost my father about 4 years, i was only 27yrs old. My father was 76yrs old when he died. I advise you to really contemplate life without a partner,when your child is older. It is hard and really unfair on the child. There are times even now when i could do with having my father around. Living with the knowledge that he will never be here to walk me down the aisle. He will miss my post graduation, or see me achieving my goals. But more than these 'big' moments, he is not here for if i need advise,direction or just a hug. So i do resent him having me so late in life,don't get me wrong he was a wonderful father but he is not here now.
It is really hard when i speak with friends, they still have their fathers around and it really brings it home(even more so).
I know life comes with no assurances,that one can have parents die at any age. But to knowingly bring a child into the world, when the decision is down to one parent-well it bodes not well for the future.
My mother is great but i do wonder if she has regrets about my father. The age difference between my parents is similar to the op. In the end she became his carer, whilst raising me. It was a huge strain on her emotionally and physically. These are real problems to consider-as people get older,they do get ailed. Could you cope with a young child and being a carer?
My own experiences have left me some what jaded, so much so-that i consider myself to old to start a family. I wish you the very best in the choices that you have ahead.

Presumably your father had a very long illness if your mother was raising you at the same time as being his carer, so he became ill in his late 50s/early 60s. Whilst this was obviously unfortunate for your family, the reality is most people of that age are still perfectly healthy in this day and age. Conversely long term illness could strike a man in his 30s. With respect you say could the OP contemplate being without a partner when the child is older, you were not a child when your mother lost your father but a 27 y/o adult who I presume was a great source of comfort to her.

My dad was 25 when my brother was born, 28 when I was born - he died unexpectedly just before his 40th birthday, leaving my mum with 2 teenagers. So we missed out on having our dad around for all the important events as we entered adulthood, despite him being what would now be seen as a younger than average dad. However, my partners dad became a father again with his 32 y/o second wife at the age of 50, my SIL is now 27 and her dad is still working (because he enjoys it, not because he needs to) and is fit as a fiddle.

OP whilst it would be foolish not to acknowledge your partner's age it really isn't that big a deal at the moment, however if you leave it a few years it may become more of one. I actually think elvis86's post was the one I agreed with most, think about whether you will resent not having a child. Also any man that gets involved with a 22 y/o woman must have considered that she would be quite likely to want children at some point.

tea_lover

As a few other people have said, illness can happen at any age. My cousin had a child a few years ago with his second wife, he was 50 ish (maybe about 52) and she was 34. She died 6 months later of cancer and he's still fit and well and a very loving dad to their toddler.

I think we're doing most things later in life these days, for a variety of reasons. Whilst age does need to be considered of course, I think the main issues have to be whether you really want a child and if you feel you have a stable loving home in which to raise one.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

(fwiw, I'm 33 and my OH's very nearly 40 and we're still trying for our first so we're going to be older parents when it does eventually happen).

lolly_896

You can't really think about mortality imo unless one parent has been diagnosed with a terminal illness - you never know when your going to go? DH's Dad had a car accident and died when he was just 23 leaving DH and SIL. My uncle was a 50 yr old dad and he is still here with his 25 yr old daughter.

I thought about it as "Would i regret not having children?" And now i have 2

scottishchick27

lovelylily wrote: »

All I can say is - people rarely regret having children, but often regret not having them. I have plenty of friends now beyond child bearing age that regret not having had children.

My OH took a lot of persuading to try for a second child, he has a child of 20 and our DD is 10 and this was a saying I often brought up in our discussions. He felt he was too old to have another child (he was 39 but now 40) but I knew I would regret it if I didn't have another one. It was a sore point in our relationship for a long time and I almost ended it but thankfully he came round to the idea and now I'm pregnant I thinks he's almost as chuffed as me. It's a very big decision to make and I hope the OP can reach a decision that they are both happy with. I also found as I got nearer my mid thirties the ticking of my biological clock got louder, so even though you may decide not to go for it, you may change your mind again in a few years. Good luck x

clare1angel

Thank you all so much for all the replies they have made for interesting reading.

I can understand the whole resentment thing as my Dad died aged 45 and I was 22 so I've missed out on lots things that I would of loved him to be there for. At the same time I also believe that things happen for a reason - the reason may not be clear at the time but things usually work out well.

I should say that the whole baby discussion was had when we first got together and DH did say he was not looking to have anymore children and, at the time, neither did I.
I don't know why I'm thinking so much about having a baby now as it's never really bothered me before but it's like it's suddenly hit me and it's a case of now or never.
My childhood was ok but not great and I felt like I wanted to live a little and do things I never thought I would because of my past holding me back. With my DH I found someone who I could open up to about EVERYTHING that I had been through and we shared so much about ourselves to each other and I felt complete with him.
I should also say that DH was not really interested in doing the whole marriage thing again - we've been married for over 4 years now.

I know that a serious all our cards on the table chat is what we have got to have and that DH saying 'it's up to you' is not the answer to this.

Thanks again for all your help it really is nice to be able to post here and get advice.
Just to know that there are people out there who have taken the time to read and reply to me has really cheered me up.

:A

cottonhead

Its funny that for a lot of women a baby switch seems to come on out of the blue. Thats what happended to me. I was 27 when I had my son and felt for me it was a perfect age. My parents were the same age when they had me and are still young and fit enough now to be involved and active grandparents which has been invaluable to us. They also have the time, energy and money to go on travels, eat out, have weekend breaks and generally enjoy themselves. My uncle who had kids later is still working to support his teenage kids through uni etc. He has the stress of not being able to retire and enjoy himself until he is well into his late 60's.
I think looking ahead is the right thing to do. Right now your husband might be fine being a dad but how about in 10 years. It does impact on a lot of 10 year olds having a 60 year old dad turn up at the school gate. Especially as your husband has already been through the whole baby thing and is not saying a definate yes, I would be very cautious but I can see that you dont want to miss out all together yourself. Why not consider fostering and see how it impacts on your life first ?
Re the pill - dont worry its meant to be taken long term and shouldnt effect fertility.

clare1angel

Hi there,

Just wanted to say a quick thank you once again to every one who replied with advice and shared their own experiences.
We had a talk and I'm no longer on the pill and we are going to let nature take it's course and what will be will be.
But putting my thoughts and worries on here really did help me and DH whilst having our talk so thank you.

:-)