Too late to have a baby???

clare1angel

I'm not really sure where to start but just wanted to hopefully get some advice or thoughts from anyone who is or has been in a similar situation.
I'm 31 and my DH is 50 and we have been together for over 9 years, married for 5. He has grown up kids from a previous marriage and when we got together he did say that he wasn't bothered about having anymore children and that was fine with me.
However over the last few of months I have been thinking about children and whether I really do or do not want them. My DH is supportive, well he isn't saying yes but he isn't saying no either - and that's why I think I'm having so much trouble deciding on what to do.
I love my DH and our life together and I don't want to ruin our relationship but I know if I don't make this decision soon it's going to drive me crazy.
I'm not asking for anyone to tell me what I should do I guess I would just like to hear from anyone in a similar situation.
I don't really have a close friend that I can talk to about this and although I can talk to DH I know he's just going to say it's up to me!!!
He knows this is more a decision for me to make myself and I know he will be supportive but as he has already had children he knows what it all entails.
I can see from what I've seen with other couples and what's written on these forums how much a baby changes your life and I guess I'm just scared it's going to change our relationship for the bad??? And as much as DH loves me I don't want him to end up resenting me, or any resulting baby, for changing the life we have at the min. Don't get me wrong we're not party animals but we do enjoy going out for meals, to concerts, having a few days away and having relaxing holidays and I know you can do all those things with a child but it does change it somewhat.
Sometimes I'm so 'yes' lets try and see what happens and then the next hour I'm like 'I'm not sure'!!!
I guess I'm scared because I know if we have a child it will most definately be an only child and although DH has grown up kids (who have kids of their own now) I'm not sure they will play a part in any child's life that we may have as we don't see much of them anyway.
I also feel that I'm being selfish to DH as due to his age he would be looking forward to retiring in 10+ years and I just don't know whether a child would end up resenting us for having an older parent??
The other thing is I have been on the pill, Cilest, for over 9 years and worry that may have an effect on my chances of conceiving.
I'm sorry to go on and ramble but like I said I just have so many things going round my head at the moment.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

:A

lime1996

You are 31 years old not 91 years old! My suggestion is go and see and doctor have a check up and talk about the fact you have been on the pill. See what the doctor says regarding your health.

As for your relationship yes it will change, any relationship does when you have kids. As for his adult children well they are off living their own lives, the decision for a child is yours and your husbands. Hopefully, they will be supportive of you both. If they said "no we don't want you to have a baby". What would you do then? let them make the decision for you? rule your life?

A child is messy noisy, take lots of your time up, restricts your freedom to say the least. But, the joy of holding your child and seeing them grow up, is a wonderful thing. It is not about having the best and most expensive range from Mothercare either. It is about both you of being a parent to a child.

Good luck!

hazyjo

I suppose the thing is to decide if you actually want a child together. It does sound as though you know you have to decide soon and that's making you think about it.

If your hubby was also 31 would you want a baby together? I think that's the question you should be asking yourself.

I have plenty of friends with no children (same with me!). I am now 42 and have probably missed the boat as far as kids are concerned (although a good friend of mine has just announced she's pregnant, but that's with her 3rd).

My hubby's also 50 and never really wanted children. To be honest, I do feel somewhat cheated because I did (although did try for a year with an ex and nowt happened, so maybe I'm not able to have them anyway). I wasn't so fussed before, but the longer that clock's ticked, the more frustrated I've felt. Not sure I want to be the way I am for the rest of my life. A family would have been lovely.

What sort of father was he with his own kids? Were they grown up when you got together, or still young? My OH is not a kids fan at all (despite being a teacher!). Others I've known have melted my heart how they are with kids and are obviously 'natural fathers'.

Time for some very frank discussions.

Jx

stiltwalker

Only you and you OH can decide, I was 31 when our first was born and OH was 42, we now have 2 and OH is aware that he will have to work 'til the bitter end' as t'were as he will be 66 when our youngest gets to even 18 but it very much depends on your financial situation and pension provision if this will be the case for you but worth a serious discussion.

A far as the cilest goes that could well be a non issue. I took that for 14 years before stopping to conceive DD, she took us 3 months, took it for another year in between, DS was 1st month off the pill second time! Definitely finished after 2 so OH got sent to the vets!!!

hazyjo

lime1996 wrote: »

You are 31 years old not 91 years old!

Sorry to butt in, but the concern seems to be more with having one older parent. I agree with the OP that it's not something they'll really want to put off much longer.

An friend of mine became a father again a year ago - he's 62! I suppose it's not the end of the world, but only if that's what they want!

Jx

fluffnutter

Are you using his age as a reason for dalliance? Neither of you are too old to have children (might be different the other way round!). If you both want one, try for one. It's also not selfish to only have one child. Many people have single children for all sorts of reasons and many of those children are perfectly happy to not have to share! Time to start talking I think.

Taking the pill won't have made any difference to your fertility.

elvis86

clare1angel wrote: »

I'm not really sure where to start but just wanted to hopefully get some advice or thoughts from anyone who is or has been in a similar situation.
I'm 31 and my DH is 50 and we have been together for over 9 years, married for 5. He has grown up kids from a previous marriage and when we got together he did say that he wasn't bothered about having anymore children and that was fine with me.
However over the last few of months I have been thinking about children and whether I really do or do not want them. My DH is supportive, well he isn't saying yes but he isn't saying no either - and that's why I think I'm having so much trouble deciding on what to do.
I love my DH and our life together and I don't want to ruin our relationship but I know if I don't make this decision soon it's going to drive me crazy.
I'm not asking for anyone to tell me what I should do I guess I would just like to hear from anyone in a similar situation.
I don't really have a close friend that I can talk to about this and although I can talk to DH I know he's just going to say it's up to me!!!
He knows this is more a decision for me to make myself and I know he will be supportive but as he has already had children he knows what it all entails.
I can see from what I've seen with other couples and what's written on these forums how much a baby changes your life and I guess I'm just scared it's going to change our relationship for the bad??? And as much as DH loves me I don't want him to end up resenting me, or any resulting baby, for changing the life we have at the min. Don't get me wrong we're not party animals but we do enjoy going out for meals, to concerts, having a few days away and having relaxing holidays and I know you can do all those things with a child but it does change it somewhat.
Sometimes I'm so 'yes' lets try and see what happens and then the next hour I'm like 'I'm not sure'!!!
I guess I'm scared because I know if we have a child it will most definately be an only child and although DH has grown up kids (who have kids of their own now) I'm not sure they will play a part in any child's life that we may have as we don't see much of them anyway.
I also feel that I'm being selfish to DH as due to his age he would be looking forward to retiring in 10+ years and I just don't know whether a child would end up resenting us for having an older parent??
The other thing is I have been on the pill, Cilest, for over 9 years and worry that may have an effect on my chances of conceiving.
I'm sorry to go on and ramble but like I said I just have so many things going round my head at the moment.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read and respond.

:A

I think the bigger concern/question, is whether you will resent him once you reach a point where you can no longer have a child and the choice/possibility is taken away forever?

I can't help but think that if you want a child but stay as you are, when you hit menopause and are confronted by the fact that the choice to have a child has now gone forever, you may begin to resent your OH for denying you that. And by then it will be too late.

In these age-gap situations, I would imagine that kids is something that both parties should be even more eager to discuss early on? Your OH has had his family, and it's fair enough if he doesn't wish to repeat the experience, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to work out that children is something that a much younger, childless person may want one day.

Personally if I were him I would have addressed this very early in the relationship, before it was too late to possibly end it and allow the younger partner the opportunity to find someone who does want a family.

I wouldn't expect him to agree to having a child if he doesn't want to, but equally I wouldn't expect him to demand that you give that up in order to stay with him.:(

clare1angel

Thank you so much for all your replies. I really do appreciate you all taking the time to read my post and your advice.

Being on the pill for so long was worrying me a little but like has been said it should not effect my chances of getting pregnant if we decide to try. I am on my 7 day break at the moment and would be due to start my next pack this Sunday - I know this is a big decision so we shall see???
I'm really not sure what his kids reactions would be but your right lime1996 it's not for them to decide it's our decision.
My DH was at work full time and more when his kids were growing up but he always did things with them and they had a happy childhood as far as I'm aware. They were all grown up when we got together.
We both work and financially we would be ok so that's not a concern.
I suppose his age is the main concern and although he say's he's ok either way I don't want him to feel like I'm backing him into a corner and that he has to agree because he loves me - if that makes sense at all??
Definitely time for a very deep and frank conversation :-/

Thanks again for all your help and advice

:A

Janepig

I shouldn't worry too much about having been on the pill for quite a while, I was on it from age 16 to 30 and conceived both my children within 2 months of coming off it (albeit I'm aware that might not happen to everyone).

I've got my opinions on older parents - I grew up with older parents and as fab as they are/were, I didn't like it. My mum passed away (not at a particularly old age though) just before I had my eldest, and my dad is in his late 70's now, but still reasonably fit. This wasn't something DH identified with in any way as he still has both his parents who are fit and able to be involved grandparents, and also has one of his grandparents who is in good health (and only afew years older than my dad). He was the one that dithered and dallied and as such we also didn't have children until we were both in our 30's, and he in fact was older having both of ours than my dad was when me and my brother were born - a situation I would much rather have avoided.

But hey ho, it's horses for courses, and I'm sure that there's plenty of older parents who don't feel the way I do - and of course there are far more older parents around now than there were when I was at school (or it seems like it anyway). Thinking of DS's friends parents (because I know more of them) they seem to range from late 20's to early 40's in the main, so in fairness I don't stand out as an older parent. It's just that it is a bit of a sore point with me because I'd have had them ten years earlier if it hadn't been for DH!

Jx

hazyjo

Sometimes hearing the 'I don't mind' just isn't enough though, is it. You want them to want a child with you. To be a 'family' rather than just a 'couple'. Such a difference. The dynamics change completely.

I worried that if I had a child with my hubby and there were any arguments or problems - it would always be thrown back at me that I wanted kids, not him. It really has to be a joint decision/desire, I think.

My hubby did say 'if it happens, it happens' for a while, and kinda went along with it, but then decided a flat no when he got nearer 50. You have to bear in mind your OH might well decide in a few years it's a flat no too. If it is that important to you, you have to really think about doing it soon I think. You don't want to find the decision's taken out of your hands in a few years' time if you really do want kids.

Jx

lovelylily

All I can say is - people rarely regret having children, but often regret not having them. I have plenty of friends now beyond child bearing age that regret not having had children.