step parent setting boundaries for a child

Mojisola

fannyanna wrote: »

I've never really understood the view that step parents should not be involved in discipline. A step parent is expected to fulfil many parental responsibilities and in my opinion they have every right to discipline a step child where necessary.

I agree with this with the proviso that it has to be as agreed with the the resident parent.

If I've got the children of friends, other family members or neighbours in my house, they comply with our house rules and, if they don't, I'll tell them. I'd want other adults to make sure my children behaved in their homes.

I don't understand the parents who insist no-one but them are allowed to discipline their children. The old saying that it takes a community to raise a child is still valid.

msb5262

Hi OP,
You must must must be on the same page as your OH where the children are concerned - bear in mind that as you are the newest "parent" they've got, and as such you may need to compromise on your personal principles of child rearing. You aren't personally responsible for bringing the children up to these principles and you'll need to negotiate with your OH where the boundaries lie...then both make them clear to the children.
I totally agree that step parents have the right and indeed the responsibility to discipline children but I think it's very important to tread softly and remember that the very nature of the situation is likely to make children feel quite anxious, resentful and jealous of step parents.
My children found it hard at the beginning having a stepmother, although she is lovely - make sure you praise and support the children a great deal, and keep a light touch with criticism/reproach/sanctions at the beginning as they will be super sensitive to anything you say.
Keep in mind that the children had no say at all in the parents' split, and they probably feel quite pushed around by having step parents at all...I don't mean you should ignore bad behaviour, just to go heavy on the positive comments and light on the negatives at the beginning. That way it's easier for children to accept that you care about them when you do criticise or scold them - and they don't behave well if they don't think you care.

Best of luck. It can be a lovely relationship - imagine having three or four adults all helping, supporting and caring for you!

MsB

fannyanna

Mojisola wrote: »

I agree with this with the proviso that it has to be as agreed with the the resident parent.

I've never considered asking my Husbands ex for permission to discipline my step-daughter and I never will. It would be a pointless exercise and potentially cause conflict. I think it's fair to say that we have different approaches to discipline. Neither way is right or wrong - just different. Either party trying to tell the other how to discipline would go down like a lead balloon. I don't think it's necessary to rock the boat. I respect the way in which the ex parents my step-daughter and I think it's fair to say that the ex respects how my Husband and I parent her.

I suppose we are in a very fortunate position in the sense that we have an amicable relationship with the ex but also in the sense that my step daughter is generally a very well behaved and well mannered child/young lady. She really is a credit to the ex (as after all she is the primary caregiver and disciplinarian).

Mojisola

fannyanna wrote: »

I've never considered asking my Husbands ex for permission to discipline my step-daughter and I never will.

I don't understand what you're saying. Do you mean you never set boundaries or discipline your SD?

clearingout

fannyanna wrote: »

I suppose we are in a very fortunate position in the sense that we have an amicable relationship with the ex but also in the sense that my step daughter is generally a very well behaved and well mannered child/young lady. She really is a credit to the ex (as after all she is the primary caregiver and disciplinarian).

it is nice to see a new partner with a few nice words to say about the ex - you don't see that very often on here! you've made my day!

fannyanna

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't understand what you're saying. Do you mean you never set boundaries or discipline your SD?

Sorry didn't mean to confuse.

I was saying that we discipline in the way that we see fit but we do not feel the need to agree our approach to discipline with the resident parent (the ex).

Unless by resident parent you mean my Husband. In which case yes, we have agreed an approach to discipline in our household.

Mojisola

fannyanna wrote: »

Sorry didn't mean to confuse.

I was saying that we discipline in the way that we see fit but we do not feel the need to agree our approach to discipline with the resident parent (the ex).

Unless by resident parent you mean my Husband. In which case yes, we have agreed an approach to discipline in our household.

Yes, that's what I meant. Dad and Step Mum agree the rules in their house and both stick by them.

What happens in the ex's house is down to her.

fannyanna

Ahhh, I'm with ya now :rotfl:

Bennifred

I'm with Mojisola - have never been a step-parent, but have always expected visiting children to comply with "house" rules.
I usually tried not to make it personal, by saying something like: "In this house, everyone takes their shoes off when they come in/ eats at the table/ whatever the required behaviour is" or conversely: " In this house, no-one jumps on the sofa"

All said in a calm, friendly manner. To start with, anyway!:o

katepnlo

I have 2 step children who are with us throughout the week. I treat them like i treat my own children. There are rules and everyone has to follow them. If they don't then i will pull them up on it.
All the children range between 6 and 15 and we all muddle along nicely The younger ones see what is expected of them and soon learn if your good then i can be a softie :P If you are naughty i can turn into boss mum. They all learnt from watching one another that if you are naughty you will get punished. If your good you get rewarded for it.

Dp and i can often bang heads but as long as we discuss it all it sorts itself out just fine.
Dp ex knows that their dad is very strict but she knows i am still fairly strict, where we have them so much..and she knows i am the main carer in the week, she is fully aware i discipline them. I know she does things differently to us, but she never tells me/us howto do things. Just as my rules don't go at my ex husbands house.

My children have a 'step mum' when they go to their fathers on a weekend. I don't tell her what to do in regards to my children. I know ex husband is fairly lax with rules. But i wouldn't say anything unless i felt the kids were at risk. I honestly do hope that ex husbands girlfriend makes sure they are polite and well behaved and if they did give her any grief i hope she would issue a punishment.

The key is def talking. Talk to your partner and explain the need for setting boundaries if it is to become more of their home. If you can communicate with your ex's wife...even better Up until a year ago my dp would organise kids with his ex wife, but you know how great some men can be at communicating :P there used to be so much confusion or upset. myself and hi ex got so fed up we spoke to one another and now just chat through texting, works great, we chat happily, we know every detail of everything we need to know! it did wonders for one of my step children too...she was over the moon that we talk nowadays. Communicating can solve so much and get rid of so much worry