step parent setting boundaries for a child

FBaby

I have a very different view I've never been a step-mum, but I had step-parents and my children have two step-parents too. I don't agree AT ALL with step-parents disciplining step-children UNLESS everyone agrees on the discipline.

My step-mother came in the picture when I was 8 and decided that her rules should suddenly take over the ones I was used to with my dad before she came. All in all, it went against my fathers' view, he thought she was way to uptight and strict, too focussed on the negatives than the positive....and she made my life hell. I absolutely hated her. She made me feel like I was a horrible kid, which led me to feel very self-conscious. My dad and her often argued because of it. My dad tried to please both his wife (understandbly) but also didn't agree to many of her disciplining ways. One exemple, I used to be frightened of the dark and asked for the light of the hallway to be kept on because it reassured me (was about 8/9, my bedroom was the furtherst away from the living room where they were). My dad had no issue with this and had done it before they married, but she made a point that i needed to learn to be confident in the dark and face my fears. What she would do is wait until I was in bed, my dad settled, and then she would get up going to the toilet and turned it off. If I got up afterwards to turn it back on, she would tell me off, leaving me in tears.

With hindsight, I know she meant well, and she could have been right....but I strongly believe that if both my parents were ok with me leaving the light on to reassure me, it just wasn't for her to decide that this was wrong and do things differently.

When I met my partner, one of the key features I looked for was a similar approached to disciplining. I thought it could be an issue because he doesn't have children, but it hasn't been at all. He himself had dated a mum with young children and really had an issue with how she was raising her daughter, so it was very important to him too. All in all, we have very similar views on principles and values, so never had an argument. There are a couple of things he doesn't totally agree with me and he has told me about it, like the fact that he thinks they spend too much time watching TV, but he would never take it upon himself to tell them they were only allowed to watch TV for one hour and that's that. I would have a serious issue with this.

Similarly, there are no problems with my kids' step-mum. I know that my ex would not let her do or tell the kids something he didn't agree with. She has never disciplined them in the 6 years they've been together, but then she says my kids are much better behaved than hers, so that probably helps! I would go mad if she took it upon herself to do things I and my ex are strongly against (like for exemple smacking them, or telling them they can't have anything to eat until they've cleaned the whole house, or taking something away from them (unless they've been very disrepectful towards her specifically).

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

My step-mother came in the picture when I was 8 and decided that her rules should suddenly take over the ones I was used to with my dad before she came. All in all, it went against my fathers' view, he thought she was way to uptight and strict, too focussed on the negatives than the positive....and she made my life hell.

I can't imagine anyone thinking that this is acceptable. Why didn't your father stand up to his new partner?