step parent setting boundaries for a child

sharrison778

I am fully expecting to get flamed for this but I'm going to put it out there anyway.

For those parents who have re-partnered, to what extent does your new partner discipline or set boundaries for your children? And if they dont, do you discuss it with your partner before setting rules for the kids?

The reason I ask....

I was brought up in a fairly strict environment. At the time I suppose I didnt like some of the rules but with hindsight, I am so glad my parents gave me boundaries, taught me to respect adults, consider others feelings etc.

Now whilst I cant comment on how my OH and his ex raised their kids when they were together, from what I see now, its all pretty relaxed. The kids do things which I think are just so rude and inconsiderate. The idea of considering someone's else's situation or feelings is entirely foreign to them - they are very much little emperors in their kingson. I keep these views to myself because whatever happens in their mothers house is none of my business.

However OH is talking about having the kids spend more time at our place and that's where I think things get a little fuzzy. On one hand they are his kids and I'm tempted to leave all disciplining to him. On the other hand its my house too so surely I should get some say in what is acceptable behaviour?

My OH feels guilty about not seeing the kids more, which manifests into a reluctance to be the 'bad cop' parent. I am hoping spending more time with them will help this.

But does anyone have any thoughts or tips? My first inclination is to try to agree on some ground rules with my OH, so he and I can be consistent.

For the record, the kids are 12 and 11.

pigpen

I think you and he need to sit down and discuss the boundaries.. I would consider the extent of your involvement would be the same as if they were any other child visiting your home.. a neice/nephew/friends child/grandchild.. you are not a parent to them but as someone who cares about them you should be given due respect.

I would then suggest you speak to them both about these boundaries, setting them out clearly means there is no room for excuses and punishments for misbehaviour can be discussed with them then too.. we favour household chores as punishment.. in a community service capacity rather than slave labour.. it is really just a distraction from whatever made them misbehave on the first place.. but at 11 and 12 they won't explode if they have to wash dishes or vacuum..

Seanymph

pigpen gives a wonderful answer.

He HAS to parent now, he has no choice. But you unfortunately will have to bring him around to the way of thinking.

(I've done this )

When you talk to him, don't talk about how you were raised, how he was raised, or what happens at their mothers house.

Just say 'I would like THE children (not yours) to sit at the table until we are all finished or ask to be excused. I think it's a good rule, it teaches manners, involves them in conversation, and is good practice.

Once he agrees to it, then you BOTH implement it - because he needs to be front and centre in imposing it.

But you have to agree the rules.......... no tv's or mobiles in bedrooms, no mobiles at the table, no taking food without asking - whatever you feel is appropriate.

Then when you two agree these you set about implementing them. As things change or you think of more things that irritate you (or would make them better people to learn) you revisit them together.

Sometimes you and he won't agree - my SS has just come back from four days in Italy I wouldn't have allowed him to go to - but OH wanted him to go and wanted to punish him in another way..... it was a two day conversation, but in the end I agreed. I won't ever mention it again, but I made DAMNED sure that OH didn't wimp out of the other punishment!

So you set ground boundaries, and if your OH isn't enforcing them then you jump on him not the kids. HE needs to be front and centre not you really.......... in our house I tend to but the skids live with us and have no mum so to all intents and purposes I AM the mum, and generally mum lays down rules and dad's don't.

But you may struggle to get him onboard. Just explain you are happy to have them, but won't give over all power in your house to them, it's not right for children, and you won't live like it - you want these house rules. Then kick him, HARD under the table if he isn't doing it. Tell him when you are unhappy from lack of support, and keep telling him what you expect from him.

I've lived with OH nearly 5 years now, and he's practically trained. Mind you, two of the five have already left home, I reckon by the time he gets there we'll be on our own

He also has things that bother him that don't bother me - and he will bring them to me and I'll back him up, but that took years.

clearingout

I think it's worth saying that kids today generally are selfish little emperors as a general rule (certainly are where I work!) with plenty of 'rights' and not many responsibilities! It is probably little to do with parenting and everything to do with their peers, computers, game consoles, mobile phones, TV and just the general way of the world. People probably said the same about us, and I suspect every generation thinks they were the last ones to be brought up properly.

It is also worth saying that they can adapt to different rules in different households, providing boundaries are held firmly and consistently. You don't have to parent the same as mum which I think some people struggle with - usually the ex.

I have not had the fortune/misfortune (??!!) to be a step parent, but my children have had a dreadful one who my ex husband is unable to handle in any way. She does what she wants, isn't very pleasant and essentially makes it quite clear to both my ex and our children that they are not welcome in her home. It is quite clear to me as an outsider that their inability to parent together causes an awful lot of the problems, boundaries have been inconsistent etc. etc. I have learnt how not to step parent by watching them, believe me!

Blackpool_Saver

I have done the step gig twice and trust me it's the men you have to train, they are scared to upset the kids in case they wont want to visit anymore......

heretolearn_2

Been there, done that.

If you've never spoken up about it, he may think you agree with this approach. It's worth talking to him about it as you might be surprised.

My stepsons were horrors when they were toddlers (lovely, but horrors) as their mum let them run riot. So did OH. I just gritted my teeth and put up with it as I felt I couldn't tell him how to raise his kids, even though I believe in kids having boundaries and behaving themselves. Then one day after I'd been seeing him for a few months, one of them went too far and OH finally leaped into action. I can't tell you how relieved I felt. But then 5 minutes later he came over to me and apologised for what I'd seen - he thought I'd be angry with him for telling his kid off! When I told him, no I was relieved he finally acted like a real dad and stopped them acting bratty, he was shocked too. He'd wanted to have a lot more discipline all along but all the mums he knew let their kids do what they want, so he thought that was how things were done now (he's a bit of an older dad) and he would get stick from any woman if he tried. We'd both been holding back on how we thought things should be done through fear of upsetting each other. Things changed there and then and the boys very quickly learned that the rules are different in mum and dads houses, and after a few months they've always been good as gold for us, while still being difficult for their mum.

He might just need to know he'll have your support and not criticism for taking a stricter line with them.

In any case, I wish I'd spoken up a lot earlier. Even if they want to be 'looser' with their parenting, there's no excuse for rudeness and lack of basic manners/consideration. I have been known to blow my fuse now and then over stuff he doesn't really have a problem with, or doesn't know how to tackle, sometimes I feel bad as I'm the 'grumpy' one who tells them off but then I'm also the one who sits and makes lego models, and takes them out and so on, so really I just treat them as I treated my own son years ago. There's still a few things I don't agree with and I have talked to my OH about them a few times, but ultimately they aren't your kids, so if you and OH can't agree over something then you have to give in gracefully and accept their way. I feel sorry for them that they have the table manners of pigs, I've managed to get them to a point of basic rules, but still not great, but OH won't be consistent over it so it doesn't really sink in, and I got fed up with being the only one correcting them all the way through meals. I feel it's a real social/career handicap if they can't eat with good manners when they need to. But not my kids, if parents don't really care about that, nothing I can do beyond what I've already done.

But being lumbered with total bratty kids all the time would have been a deal-breaker for me eventually.

You need to agree the 'house rules' with OH and both enforce them.

Mojisola

I haven't been in the step-parent position but, when other kids came to our house, our rules applied. The kids need to be told what the rules are - you can't get mad at them if they don't know how you expect them to behave - and all the adults need to be in agreement over what the rules are and what will be done if rules are broken.

In a step-parent situation you've got the extra emotional angle - if Dad's house rules are stricter than Mum's, the kids will try to get out of things by making Dad feel bad. He needs to be ready for this and strong enough not to fold.

rachbc

My son lives with me and my Oh and I totally expect OH to take an active role in parenting my son. We are strict about different things and there have been differences over the years but we seem to have settled now. He goes to his dad every other wekeend and when his step mum moved in there were some teething troubles which meant DS didn't want to go for a while - hard as I found it i kept my mouth shut about her parenting style and they too seem to have found their way through it now. There are still differences in expectations between dad's house and our house but they quickly adapt

Sambucus_Nigra

Mojisola wrote: »

I haven't been in the step-parent position but, when other kids came to our house, our rules applied. The kids need to be told what the rules are - you can't get mad at them if they don't know how you expect them to behave - and all the adults need to be in agreement over what the rules are and what will be done if rules are broken.

In a step-parent situation you've got the extra emotional angle - if Dad's house rules are stricter than Mum's, the kids will try to get out of things by making Dad feel bad. He needs to be ready for this and strong enough not to fold.

Even if they aren't stricter - it's hard for dads who don't see their kids all the time not to cave in when the kid turns the tears on - no matter what rules have been decided in advance - hence why all us step mothers are evil.

flutterby_lil

I am a step mother too, my OH's daughter has to abide by the rules that my DS by in our house, why shouldn't she?

I take a full and active role in disciplining DSD too, and setting rules and boundaries. Both children follow the same rules by both me and DH, only way it will work in our opinion. The rules are flexible and allow for age differences etc but both have the same ground rules.

fannyanna

I've never really understood the view that step parents should not be involved in discipline. A step parent is expected to fulfil many parental responsibilities and in my opinion they have every right to discipline a step child where necessary.