I just don't know what to do

NotWhatIPlanned

Not sure if this is even the right place to post this but I need some advice. I'm a long time lurker who has now found themselves in such a confused mess.

I've just found out I am pregnant. I am single (although I know who the father is as there hasn't been anyone else in years). I have just bought my own place, I have < £10k personal debt and have a well paid job.

I just don't know what to do as this is not what I planned! There is no chance of the father sticking around or being involved whatsoever.

Do I go it alone or do I stop this now?!

If I was to go it alone what can I expect?!

I feel so naive and stupid, yet I am an intelligent 20-something with a good career.

I guess I'm looking to other peoples experiences of raising a child single handedly and the effects on finances etc. Can I really even afford to contemplate going it alone?!

kingfisherblue

Do you want the baby?

NotWhatIPlanned

Yes and no.....

I've never been maternal, although experience with cousins etc have shown I can be very caring towards children. But my own?! All I've had to think about is me and my job.

I just don't know It's such a big unknown and completely unplanned.

Something else to mention is that my folks live at least 2 hours away and there's no chance of me moving nearer.

Gillyx

Bless you. You will no doubt get a load of unhelpful comments or sniping but what Kingfisherblue said is right "do you want the baby?" If the answer is yes, then you will manage, it won't be easy but you'l do it.

My LO is 10 weeks and I usually live with my partner. At the moment though I'm back at my folks (in a different country) while he gets important uni work tied up, and what seems to be the case with us is, when there are 2 of us, it takes 2 to care for him, when there is just me, like there is at the moment, I manage. He has to be a bit more patient and is put down while I have other things to do, but we muddle by

You are young though and have plenty of time for a family, if the timing isn't right for you now xx

poppy10_2

NotWhatIPlanned wrote: »

There is no chance of the father sticking around or being involved whatsoever.

He should be involved at least financially, even if he isn't man enough to stick around and be a father

NotWhatIPlanned

Thank you Gillyx, you and Kingfisherblue have helped to guide my thoughts towards the baby instead of "how will I manage".

I suppose once I have the true answer to that question everything else will fall into place, one way or another.

shegirl

NotWhatIPlanned wrote: »

Yes and no.....

I've never been maternal, although experience with cousins etc have shown I can be very caring towards children. But my own?! All I've had to think about is me and my job.

I just don't know It's such a big unknown and completely unplanned.

Something else to mention is that my folks live at least 2 hours away and there's no chance of me moving nearer.

What makes you say yes and what makes you say no (I'm guessing the above is a major part of the 'no')

It's not easy doing it on your own but it's doable and you get used to it.I was 16 when I fell pregnant (unplanned),had planned to never have kids as I was a career woman from a very young age,I don't think I realised back then the full impact -I was too young I guess- and it's been hard but I wouldn't change it for the world,even doing so on my own

Have you got support around you?Would you financially be able to cope?How does it feel to you right now knowing there's a little life growing in there?(I think that was the tell tale sign for me that I had to go ahead,but it may be different or take longer for others who are adults,unlike I was,and more in the frame of mind to consider other things!)

meritaten

do NOT make hasty decisions - I realise your head is all over the place right now. Try to calm down and work out what plan A (having the baby) would entail and Plan B (not having the baby) would entail.
I am not going to say one or the other - its your life and your decision.
but whichever way you decide - you have to LIVE with.

kingfisherblue

Well obviously no one can tell you what you should do, but you asked about other people's experiences. Mine is probably very different to most people, but I manage well enough.

Here goes - I was married at 20, first child at 22. Both in low paid jobs, we had a mortgage, no tax credits available in those days. I returned to work part time and we re-arranged our budget accordingly. Our second child was born when I was 30 - he has severe disabilities and his first surgery was at nine hours old. I returned to work part time but did find it difficult to cope as he had (and still has!) a lot of overnight care needs. Our third child was born when I was 31. My mum and dad had shared childcare with my in laws up to that point (I worked three days a week, each had the children one day a week and my husband had them - at his parents' house - each Saturday). My dad developed dementia and I gave up work. as childcare was almost impossible to find, especially for my disabled son.

Fast forward a few years. When I was 36, my husband left me for another woman and started a new family straight away. My daughter had just been diagnosed with a rare bone tumour (non-cancerous) and took it hard. My youngest son took it even harder. We are now divorced (very messy!) and I have the children full time. My ex sees them once a week and very occasionally has one of the boys overnight. I've been on my own for seven years now.

My children are almost 21, almost 14, and 12 - the almosts have birthdays within the next three weeks . It has been hard, especially as I had just started to study for my degree (part time) when my ex left - but it has been doable. Because of my son's disabilities, I claim benefits as his carer. I do some voluntary work that fits around my caring, so that I don't go completely loopy . We manage financially, even the mortgage (with some help from the government), and the endowments.

My point is that yes, it can be done. It is hard work - I'm lucky because my mum lives near me (my dad passed away a few years ago) and I get support from my in laws. I don't have many nights out. I don't have a male friend in terms of relationships. I don't always get enough sleep (I'm up late tonight :rotfl:).

My advice would be to consider whether you want the baby. If you do, you will be entitled to claim 15% of the father's wages (less if he has other children, lives with someone who has children, or if he has the child overnight regularly, or if he is on benefits). You will have limited time to yourself, you are likely to be shattered for at least the first few months, you might find yourself talking about all sorts of personal details to other mothers or mothers-to-be. On the other hand, you will be loved unconditionally by your child and that is worth a lot.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

JodyBPM

I chose to have an abortion when an accidental pregnancy happened to me in my 20s, at a time when I didn't feel having a baby was right for me. I have no real emotional issues about doing so. That's not to say it was a nice experience, it certainly wasn't, but it wasn't a life altering experience for me.

I subsequently married the father of the "might have been" baby, and we've gone on to have two children, a girl and a boy, since our marriage.

Having that baby may be the right thing for you, and if you do, I am 100% sure that you will manage. There's just something in us that makes us able to care for children in situations we couldn't imagine.

But, on the other hand, not having the baby is an equally valid idea.

Only you know what is best for you.

But the decision isn't about money, its about what you want to do.

sandyrosie75

The only advice I can give is, if you decide to have the baby, go into it with a positive attitude
Never had an abortion, so couldn't advise on that
I have 3 children, fell pregnant at 17 with my eldest
I have never regretted any of them
Things can be hard sometimes, but they are for childless people too just in a different way