a fathers responcibilty to his kids

Dontknowanymore

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I agree with all you say but an attempt has to be made be it through the grandparents/other family members or failing that perhaps some outside intermediary?

Then when all avenues are exhausted take the legal route.

And no I do not think he should upsticks and move away from his family in Scotland to live in a bed sit.What is done is done, move on from there with what is possible.

Yes I agree, I just hope for the sake of this little boy that these issues are solved soon.

POPPYOSCAR

Dontknowanymore wrote: »

Yes I agree, I just hope for the sake of this little boy that these issues are solved soon.

Yes.

It would be great to hear from the OP if they are any nearer to being able to sort this out.

Marisco

euronorris wrote: »

It's not 'pie in the sky' yet, because he hasn't tried. He hasn't researched that option, looked for (let alone applied for) any jobs. So, it is still a possibility. And not one that should be dismissed, IMO, simply because it wouldn't be easy or convenient for him.

I don't think that anyone should put their lives on hold. BUT, when you have children, you've made a choice and committed to something that carries a lot of responsibility. Part of that responsibility, IMO, is always being close enough to that child to maintain very regular contact and a solid relationship with them. Sometimes, that involves having to make sacrifices like not moving a 6 hours drive away.

That's just my opinion.

I don't know what the job situation is in Holland, but it's pretty bleak here. As I understand it, he has a job in the council, given that these are as rare as rocking horse manure now, I wouldn't have thought it would be very sensible to give up a good job! Councils are shedding jobs quicker than my cat sheds hairs! We don't know (and it's really none of our business) how much he earns, maybe he has had a look, and there is nowt that would pay as much as what he earns now.

Given also what the op said about him being the primary carer, then what he should have done is gone to court to get custody, and sod the grandparents raising holy hell! I notice the op said grandparents not mother!! That is possibly where he went wrong in the first place, not putting up much of a fight.

Its just that with some posters (not you!) there seems to be an underlying assumption that the op's oh should go back at all costs, and sod her and their life together.

Has the option of full custody been suggested to the mother and grandparents? If so what was the response? If the mother won't even talk to the father, that does not bode well for him going back down there to live, as I presume his wife would be going with him?

euronorris

Dontknowanymore wrote: »

Ok so the father maybe shouldn't of moved away, but he did, and it's done now. is tearing another family up just so he can live near the child in a bedsit with no job really the right way forward?

Why do people keep going to this extreme? No one has suggested that. We've merely suggested that he look into the option of relocating (which includes finding a decent job and home there).

POPPYOSCAR

euronorris wrote: »

Why do people keep going to this extreme? No one has suggested that. We've merely suggested that he look into the option of relocating (which includes finding a decent job and home there).

I think one of the problems here is that his wife(the OP) and her child/children would then be uprooted from their family and schools etc.



(I think someone has suggested actually that if necessary he should move down on his own)

Marisco

euronorris wrote: »

Why do people keep going to this extreme? No one has suggested that. We've merely suggested that he look into the option of relocating (which includes finding a decent job and home there).

I don't think anyone would object to looking. But some on here have been very "vocal" that he should go back and he shouldn't have moved in the first place. We really don't know the full SP to make a call on what he did, and why he did it. The assumption seems to be (with some) that he got a "bit of skirt" and moved away to be with her and sod his kids! That is how I read some of the posts anyway.

euronorris

Marisco wrote: »

I don't know what the job situation is in Holland, but it's pretty bleak here. As I understand it, he has a job in the council, given that these are as rare as rocking horse manure now, I wouldn't have thought it would be very sensible to give up a good job! Councils are shedding jobs quicker than my cat sheds hairs! We don't know (and it's really none of our business) how much he earns, maybe he has had a look, and there is nowt that would pay as much as what he earns now.

It's getting worse and worse here also. Admittedly, it is still better than the UK, as it took longer for NL to be really 'hit' by the crisis.

The two parts I highlighted are quite contradictory. After all, as they making so many cutbacks, his current job isn't exactly secure. I still stand by the fact that he should look. He may find a better, more fulfilling job (you never know! lol). He may not, but it's definitely worth a look.

Maybe he has looked, maybe he hasn't. The OP hasn't confirmed either way. But from the way she keeps dismissing it so out of hand, without saying 'we've looked into it, and it's just not possible right now', has given me the impression that they haven't looked at this option yet. But I could be wrong.

I think the OP said that full custody was suggested before, and went down like a lead balloon. But that may have been in the past, and they may have changed their minds by now.

euronorris

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I think one of the problems here is that his wife(the OP) and her child/children would then be uprooted from their family and schools etc.

(I think someone has suggested actually that if necessary he should move down on his own)

I think it was me that suggested that as a possibility, but not 'if necessary'. Just an option he could consider.

Moving to a halfway point is an option. To me, that seems like one of the fairest options. Yes, her children would have to move. Yes the child in question would still have a distance to travel. But both would be meeting each other half way, and 3 hours is a far more manageable journey time than 6 hours.

The OP should keep in mind that, if they do get full custody, a lot of existing issues will remain. Such as the distance, and travelling. How will they deal with those issues, to ensure that the little boy keeps a strong relationship with both his mother and grandparents? Do they plan to continue being the ones who travel? I would hope so, as a) it is clearly going to be a struggle for the mother and grandparents, and b) (sorry to repeat it, but it is valid on this point) it was the father's choice to move so far away.

euronorris

Marisco wrote: »

I don't think anyone would object to looking. But some on here have been very "vocal" that he should go back and he shouldn't have moved in the first place. We really don't know the full SP to make a call on what he did, and why he did it. The assumption seems to be (with some) that he got a "bit of skirt" and moved away to be with her and sod his kids! That is how I read some of the posts anyway.

My take on it is, unless he was being stalked by some crazy nut nut (who was trying to kill him), or something else equally extreme, then there isn't a good enough reason for him to have moved so far away.

It does appear, from the OP's posts, that he moved there to live with her. In which case, he did choose her over his son, which is not something I agree with.

Marisco

euronorris wrote: »

It's getting worse and worse here also. Admittedly, it is still better than the UK, as it took longer for NL to be really 'hit' by the crisis.

The two parts I highlighted are quite contradictory. After all, as they making so many cutbacks, his current job isn't exactly secure. I still stand by the fact that he should look. He may find a better, more fulfilling job (you never know! lol). He may not, but it's definitely worth a look.

Maybe he has looked, maybe he hasn't. The OP hasn't confirmed either way. But from the way she keeps dismissing it so out of hand, without saying 'we've looked into it, and it's just not possible right now', has given me the impression that they haven't looked at this option yet. But I could be wrong.

I think the OP said that full custody was suggested before, and went down like a lead balloon. But that may have been in the past, and they may have changed their minds by now.

Yes it does sound like that!! What I meant was that very rarely will someone leave a public service job unless they are made redundant. It's just so difficult to get another one now. But I do agree there is nothing to stop him having a look.