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We are not all money grabbing layabouts

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Comments

  • bugsy2009
    bugsy2009 Posts: 97 Forumite
    I'm in the same boat. My ex has had nothing to do with my kids for the past 8 years and in the past has on many occasions walked past them in the street, he's moved away now thank god.
    Never had a penny out of him in 8 years, csa are useless and when i think the csa are getting somewhere he gives them the run around. Going through another assessment at the moment but won't hold my breath!
    I work 20-24 hours a week doing 2 jobs(lost most my hours on the first), childcare is a nightmare, and in my eldest daughters words "i am robbing her of her childhood"(she is joking before anyone jumps on the bandwagon) as she has to babysit during school holidays as I can't get childcare.
    I've posted on here a few times and had some pretty nasty comments but at the end of the day I know I am doing the best i can for my kids, yes my ex is a waste of space and a pretty nasty human being to go with it but my kids are turning out very well despite all thats gone on!!
  • shegirl
    shegirl Posts: 10,107 Forumite
    Personally, I wish there was another way of them knowing change of circumstance rather than having to have phonecalls and reassesments asked for.Years ago the ex was assessed to pay £20 a month as he was self employed and barely working at all.He didn't notify them when he got a full time job and a part time job to go with it.Couple years until it was reassessed to the £269 a month it should have been for those couple of years!That makes one hell of a difference.

    He changed one of his jobs over 4 years ago and had pay increase.Never notified them of any of that either.But the instant he thinks he'll get a reduction (he'll be lucky) he asks for reassesment but hasn't responded to them yet...
    If women are birds and freedom is flight are trapped women Dodos?
  • Own_My_Own
    Own_My_Own Posts: 6,098 Forumite
    Xmas Saver!
    The thing is, I am not a vindictive person, but for some reason getting letter from CSA saying my payments are staying the same has really got my back up.
    I have suddenly become a person I don't like.
    I have managed to access their facebook walls and saved them in-case they deny him living there, or even being a couple. I have also informed Council Tax he is there (just in case).
    These are things I would not have dreamed of doing before.
    But for some reason I am suddenly really annoyed in things that have never bothered me before. I always knew they went abroad on holiday,but seeing it writing on Facebook is another thing. Dubai and India !! I can't afford to go Yarmouth !LOL
  • shegirl
    shegirl Posts: 10,107 Forumite
    edited 25 March 2012 at 11:36PM
    Own_My_Own wrote: »
    The thing is, I am not a vindictive person, but for some reason getting letter from CSA saying my payments are staying the same has really got my back up.
    I have suddenly become a person I don't like.
    I have managed to access their facebook walls and saved them in-case they deny him living there, or even being a couple. I have also informed Council Tax he is there (just in case).
    These are things I would not have dreamed of doing before.
    But for some reason I am suddenly really annoyed in things that have never bothered me before. I always knew they went abroad on holiday,but seeing it writing on Facebook is another thing. Dubai and India !! I can't afford to go Yarmouth !LOL

    It's because you hurt for your kids and it's unfair that they are left without a dad and you have to provide all you can while he does jack !!!!,lives his life of fun and freedom,looks after somebody elses kids or wants more kids etc.It's just not right or fair is it?Why do our kids have to suffer?They have their freedom,their fun,do whatever the hell they like with whoever the hell they like and their kids don't have their dad,we can't replace their dads and we have to pick up the pieces and work our butts off.

    That's why us resident parents with complete !!!!!! for exes get so wound up!Mines just walked away from our son after nearly 13 years,all they seem to think about it getting out of paying -no caring about the real responsibility and what they do to their kids.Some don't even seem to realise what we do and that it's not about being 'money grabbing'
    If women are birds and freedom is flight are trapped women Dodos?
  • kevin137
    kevin137 Posts: 1,509 Forumite
    And on the flip side there are the men who pay every week, but not enough according to the PWC and they deny access and so on...

    I was one of the NRP's that suffered at the hands of a vindictive ex, who upped and moved and turned our son against me with the he never pays for anything we have to go without because of it etc etc.

    And 2 years down the line, when i managed to eventually talk to him, he read for himself all the CSA paperwork, and what had been paid, and what she had received etc....!!!

    The long and short of it is he told her she was a liar and he wanted to hear nothing more about how bad i was and all the crap that went with it...! I moved to Norway, live with a lovely girl now who has 2 kids and shared custody, a week each they get on, it is great for the kids, there father is in there lives, he has no problem with me doing stuff with the kids, he comes every xmas for dinner here with us so the kids don't miss out. And my son flies over whenever he wants to, a perfect life and outcome...!

    The ex, well she is still bitter that i have a life with our son and she will never change.

    There are 2 sides to every story. And don't take this the wrong way please, it is not me complaining, i did what i did, and made the best of my life, sometimes i felt like giving up and walking away and sod the lot of it. But i didn't because i have morals and wanted to be a part of my sons life, but i would of had it got much worse...! And yes i have been in the situation where i walked past my son in the street when he was with his mother and not said hello... Why? because she was so vindictive and such a !!!!! she would of started screaming, made a scene and things a hell of a lot worse for me. So i did what i had to do. And my son now sees it for what it is...!
  • Own_My_Own
    Own_My_Own Posts: 6,098 Forumite
    Xmas Saver!
    Must say I have never put they Dad down in front of them. They have made they own minds up about him.
    My daughter said the other day she had seen her Dad (She uses his first name). I asked her what he had said (in a casual way to sound interested) and she replied ' I didn't stop, I just saw him and kept walking'

    What goes around comes around !!
  • shegirl
    shegirl Posts: 10,107 Forumite
    kevin137 wrote: »
    And on the flip side there are the men who pay every week, but not enough according to the PWC and they deny access and so on...

    I was one of the NRP's that suffered at the hands of a vindictive ex, who upped and moved and turned our son against me with the he never pays for anything we have to go without because of it etc etc.

    And 2 years down the line, when i managed to eventually talk to him, he read for himself all the CSA paperwork, and what had been paid, and what she had received etc....!!!

    The long and short of it is he told her she was a liar and he wanted to hear nothing more about how bad i was and all the crap that went with it...! I moved to Norway, live with a lovely girl now who has 2 kids and shared custody, a week each they get on, it is great for the kids, there father is in there lives, he has no problem with me doing stuff with the kids, he comes every xmas for dinner here with us so the kids don't miss out. And my son flies over whenever he wants to, a perfect life and outcome...!

    The ex, well she is still bitter that i have a life with our son and she will never change.

    There are 2 sides to every story. And don't take this the wrong way please, it is not me complaining, i did what i did, and made the best of my life, sometimes i felt like giving up and walking away and sod the lot of it. But i didn't because i have morals and wanted to be a part of my sons life, but i would of had it got much worse...! And yes i have been in the situation where i walked past my son in the street when he was with his mother and not said hello... Why? because she was so vindictive and such a !!!!! she would of started screaming, made a scene and things a hell of a lot worse for me. So i did what i had to do. And my son now sees it for what it is...!

    True.There are so many different scenarious you can never place either side into a pigeon hole.

    You also get that dads who !!!!!! off and lie about the ex to make excuses for their own behaviour.Then those that try their hardest and do the right thing only for the mother/resident parent to constantly make demands or try and turn the child against the father etc.So many different ways it pans out.

    I think for me,it's just annoying when the nrps who walk away from their kids completely, because of new partners or any other reason,think of us resident parents as money grabbers who want to cause problems,not realising what we have to do on our own and how much we give our kids.Some just don't understand what being a parent really is,and that's what I hate and hurts me right now.I'd rather my son still had his daddy any day rather than receive money every month.Money never replaces a dad yet some seem to think for us it does :(
    If women are birds and freedom is flight are trapped women Dodos?
  • Own_My_Own
    Own_My_Own Posts: 6,098 Forumite
    Xmas Saver!
    Personally after the way my children have been treated, I think they are better off without him.
    Shortly after he left, he said he would take OUR son out. C sat there all day waiting for him, only to get a phone call at 6 that evening to say he hadn't made it as his new partner was unwell !
    C has Aspergers and was very confused !

    It came quite obvious his new partner didn't want him having contact and it dwindled to none within about 3 months.

    In my circumstance it has been easier with no contact, as C needs continuity in his life, something I don't think his Dad could provide.
  • shegirl
    shegirl Posts: 10,107 Forumite
    Own_My_Own wrote: »
    Personally after the way my children have been treated, I think they are better off without him.
    Shortly after he left, he said he would take OUR son out. C sat there all day waiting for him, only to get a phone call at 6 that evening to say he hadn't made it as his new partner was unwell !
    C has Aspergers and was very confused !

    It came quite obvious his new partner didn't want him having contact and it dwindled to none within about 3 months.

    In my circumstance it has been easier with no contact, as C needs continuity in his life, something I don't think his Dad could provide.

    Oh I know what you mean hun!My son is severely autistic.Ex was meant to be here 4 weeks ago as normal,at the time he was meant to be here phoned and said he wouldn't be seeing him anymore.He thinks it's unfair of me to tell him it will upset his son.Go figure:mad::mad::mad::mad:

    Don't think they even think about the effects they have.And you know what,given what a waste of space he has become my ds is probably better off too,until recently his dad was a decent guy,the guy he is now is no good for any child let alone such a special one!
    If women are birds and freedom is flight are trapped women Dodos?
  • mum2one
    mum2one Posts: 16,279 Forumite
    Xmas Saver!
    i can fully sympathise with you, my ex is such a flipping lair, in 10 years has paid just over £60 maintance, done sweet f a for his child,- yet manages to support new stepchildren - who according to the CSA take priority over my daughter, get those kids fathers to pay for them and then he can remember he has got a daughter. she won't refer to him as dad its his first name,

    Has he done anything to help the csa has he heck, now I'm having to be dragged through the system just to get the entitlement his daughter is duem yet he could afford to go Barbados...

    (rant over)

    if your on the old csa as I was, i had to close the case wait 12 weeks and reapply and start a whole new claim but of course the CSA couldn't possibly get access to the old file as its closed!! so now we all have to pander to his needs on how long he decides to wait and hold onto the paperwork, - its a joke,
    xx rip dad... we had our ups and downs but we’re always be family xx
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