Thought I was over him...

Foodhoarder

Well, thanks all for your advice and interest and most importantly for the kick up the behind.

I will be seeking some kind of talking therapy to discuss my feelings and my behaviour in this and other relationships. Someone mentioned feeling unworthy/self esteem issues being the cause of this for me. Its probably right.

I wont be getting involved too fast again. I own this house (with mortgage lol!) and wont consider selling to buy new house with or without a partner for a long while mainly due to very long tie in period and high interest rate- anyway I learned my lesson.

I am very fortunate to have such a compassion and loving bf. I will do all I can to make everything right between us and most importantly to heal this void inside myself which i keep filling up with men (and when there are no men chocolate!)

hazyjo

Sounds like you really feel the need to be in a loving 'family/relationship'. Honestly, look further back. There are deeper rooted emotions in this.

My friend was in a very similar relationship and I think a lot goes back to her losing her dad and having to care for her family from a very young age (9ish). Her mum fell to bits and has never recovered (my friend is now in her 50s and still lives with her mum).

I also believe you're 'pushing' your current BF to react to 'prove' that he loves you. You want/need 'reaction' to believe it. It's very easy to have someone say they love you. What we sometimes need to see is a bit of fight and emotion to actually believe it.

Jx

Frogletina

Foodhoarder wrote: »

I am very fortunate to have such a compassion and loving bf. I will do all I can to make everything right between us and most importantly to heal this void inside myself which i keep filling up with men (and when there are no men chocolate!)

I understand perfectly what you mean by having a void inside of you.

I expressed similar feelings myself in a poem in which I wrote,

'Inside, where I should be alive, there is a hole and I'm trying desperately to fill it up'

xbrenx

Foodhoarder wrote: »

With this in mind I dont know why I miss them so much.

Me neither - time to move on...

BugglyB

'being with a great guy' is not the only necessary ingredient to a successful well adjusted relationship, OP. Its just a start :-)

red_devil

ive dreamt of my ex alot but it dosent mean i want to be with him or him me.

Scrapaholic

Just a thought . Are you wistfully thinking about what your life could have been like , if everything had worked out with this man ? You lost your hopes of a future with him and maybe didn't come to terms with this before your present relationship began . Hope all works out for you .

Brallaqueen

To me, it sounds like deep down being treated like dirt appeals to you. Not in a "I like it, give me more" way but because it re-inforces your own perception of yourself and your worth, or because the rush of emotions around abuse can be addictive.

Now that you have a nice, sweet boyfriend who does none of the above, you are not getting this need met and it is nagging at you.

I also recommend therapy so you can find where this need comes from and pull it out by the root.

LouLou

I can relate to a lot of the replies here. It's definitely a self-esteem issue. I've lost faith in ever meeting or being with anyone decent as I definitely self-sabotage and shake off anyone who I feel is too "nice". My masochistic wall makes it impossible for me to be strong enough to be selective. I had a pretty horrific childhood and in many ways I'm very scared/mistrusting of men.

I know my summing-up of myself makes me sound incredibly immature. We all do subtle power games and testing in the beginning to figure out another's suitability, but my experiences have probably been more over the top than most. I'd never be cruel to someone but I've been with many men where it's been hot/cold and one-sided (yep, I've joined in on the to-ing and fro-ing)..it's probably too late for me!

I'm very unconfident and don't feel worthy of love, that obviously filters through to my intimate relationships.

I agree with the other posters on here..it sounds like you need time on your own to clear your head. The guy you're with right now already feels he's second best to the ex and it's going to get worse unless you put the brakes on it for a while.

I spent a long time around a guy who was always chiming up about his ex-girlfriend (though I'd never put up with that again) and it drives you crazy listening to it!

Some people can't stand the thought of being single for any length of time and will take someone, anyone, so they don't have that stigma of being unwanted and unattractive (as they see it), not that I'm saying that's how you are, but it's very common.

I think it's healthier to take a period of time out to make sure the ex is out your system, and enjoy singledom for a while.

Wishing you a happier and more contented future, with or without a man.

As for me? I'm single, and although I'd like to be with someone, I've not made any effort to date for a few years.

Just keep reminding yourself that you're only as unhappy as you choose to be, the old saying, You can't let anyone treat you badly without your consent

LouLou

There is an element of truth to the thinking, that the mind control and power an abusive guy has over you makes him more attractive in some way.

These intense highs and lows a lot of us confuse with all-consuming passion (getting a bit Mills And Boon!) and unconsciously seek it out in future relationships. These men tend to be very charismatic, witty and charming when they want to be. They've grown up being master manipulators and tend to be very egotistical and self-involved.

Women tend to be emotional and demonstrative creatures and want abusive partners to be more "feeling", like they are.

I saw what it did to my sister. Her ex started beating her up when she got pregnant (she didn't tell me until my niece was born). Then he began accusing her of sleeping with other men and the baby wasn't his. He cut her off from her friends, listened into telephone conversations, wouldn't let her make eye contact with members of the opposite sex.

It was very subtle, and happened over a few years. By then she'd already been hooked by the charming, nice guy persona he'd cultivated in the beginning, and wanted the old Mr Wonderful back.

It sucked the life out of her, and I think, even 10 years later, it's damaged her psychologically in a lot of ways.

Watching my battered and broken sister live through all this (and growing up with an alcoholic/abusive stepfather) made this very wary woman even warier of men, I'm afraid to say.

Even for well-adjusted men, there's the contradiction: it's cool and macho for a man to be aloof..too much of the hearts and flowers, he's in danger of being a "sissy".

Better not end this on a sour note ! Please don't think I'm some rabid man-hater. The great irony is, I tend to get on with men more than women. I'm just a complete emotional dunce when it comes to having relationships with them, because my barriers are up.

I'm assuming that you're still carrying a lot of emotional baggage from your ex. I should do something about *mine* (!) but I hope you find a way to peacefulness and happiness yourself.