Thought I was over him...

euronorris

Foodhoarder wrote: »

Thanks for your reply Euronorris... I like your friend can not think of any reason to be alone right now. I do have very strong feelings for my new man and I do not have any reason not to be with him. He loves me, I love him (as much as I can love anyone right now)

My new guy is amazingly kind, compassionate etc. I have no complaints about any aspect of the relationship. If I was alone, then staying alone would be good for me, but after so long with this guy, I cant see any reason to upset him and myself and just end things because "I want to be alone" when I clearly dont! ha ha!

I can think of several, very good, reasons for being alone:

- Because you need to be (not want)
- Because you don't want to keep repeating past mistakes
- Because you don't want to hurt him any further, and you will if you don't deal with this now

Others may disagree with me here, but I feel certain that if you don't take some time out, you will find yourself repeating this mistake over and over again, with a different guy each time.

What is so scary, for you, about being alone? You don't have to give the answer on here, but it is a good self reflection question for you right now.

Foodhoarder

fluffnutter wrote: »

You stayed with a man (well done for finally ending it, btw!) who was in thrall to alcohol and violent towards you. By your own admission, you began this relationship too soon after your marriage failed. You're now with someone else, despite not having really come to terms with the end of the previous relationship.

You're not giving yourself time to sort yourself out between relationships (I think you probably know this?) and, as a result, you're falling for unsuitable men. Until you work out what you really want, and gain some confidence without a man in tow I fear that you'll keep making bad decisions and not find a man who's really right for you.

Re the end of my marriage, my ex-husband is gay... so ending that was pretty easy enough to come to terms with- I cant change into a man to make him love me again :rotfl:

Thanks for acknowlegding how hard it was for me to end things after his violence- it only happened once, but it was enough to make me wake up to his behaviour as I hit every step on my staircase.

My current man is not unsuitable in anyway, he is everything I ever wanted in a guy, so why do i feel I need to talk about ex so much sabotage this great relationship and keep thinking about the other guy?

Grrrrrr! I am infuriating myself - Seems simple, stop thinking about him. But its that thing when someone says 'dont think of a pink elephant, its all I can think of.
Which is why I come to the thoughts of getting back in touch just to get 'closure'... see that pink elephant I keep telling myself not to think about.

I really dont want to get back in touch with the ex, but his dad keeps ringing me up (by accident) and its upsetting cos I miss that family.

I can clearly recall all the horrible things he said/did etc, how he put my needs below his own and forced me to do the same. I have no illusions of getting back together. The ex promised me everything... marriage, family etc. then he let me down... So my new guy has to pay the price of my ex. When he says all those things I hold him at arms length for fear of being hurt.

Gosh, I really am messed up aren't i

euronorris

Change your number, or get his blocked. You've no reason to still have it, and I'm willing to bet that you can contact him via another form if you really wanted to.

Be on your own, to give yourself time to grieve this relationship. You can't truly do that whilst you are with someone else.

However, I suspect you won't, so I'll also suggest seeing a counsellor to talk it all through.

Foodhoarder

euronorris wrote: »

Change your number, or get his blocked. You've no reason to still have it, and I'm willing to bet that you can contact him via another form if you really wanted to.

Be on your own, to give yourself time to grieve this relationship. You can't truly do that whilst you are with someone else.

However, I suspect you won't, so I'll also suggest seeing a counsellor to talk it all through.

Thanks again for your reply Euronorris
I have blocked his mobile no, its his dad who keeps calling my landline. That doesn't stop me from seeing him around the village. Last time I saw him my whole body went mad... shaking arms and legs, heart racing etc. I wanted to call to him but I didn't. I just drove right past him. I knew that nothing could be gained from drawing his attention. Its not a matter of blocking his number etc, no-one farts in this village without everyone hearing it.

I think I gave to impression that I started this relationship immediately after the break up. After the break-up he left the house that week, took everything he owned. Then silence for 3 months... then came the tooing and froing with the ex (about 6 weeks in all) and then after it finally ended. About 3 months went by before I met the new guy. I know its not a massive amount of time but I hope that gives better time scale.

Yes, I am aware that I am justifying my current need to stay in the relationship. I have been with current man for 18 months... I want to be with him. I cant help my dreams... what comes out of me when I am asleep I cant control.

Maybe some therapy will help me understand why I keep dreaming about him. I have looked on dream websites for the meaning but none of it fits with my current experiences.

fluffnutter

Foodhoarder wrote: »

Re the end of my marriage, my ex-husband is gay... so ending that was pretty easy enough to come to terms with- I cant change into a man to make him love me again :rotfl:

Thanks for acknowlegding how hard it was for me to end things after his violence- it only happened once, but it was enough to make me wake up to his behaviour as I hit every step on my staircase.

My current man is not unsuitable in anyway, he is everything I ever wanted in a guy, so why do i feel I need to talk about ex so much sabotage this great relationship and keep thinking about the other guy?

Grrrrrr! I am infuriating myself - Seems simple, stop thinking about him. But its that thing when someone says 'dont think of a pink elephant, its all I can think of.
Which is why I come to the thoughts of getting back in touch just to get 'closure'... see that pink elephant I keep telling myself not to think about.

I really dont want to get back in touch with the ex, but his dad keeps ringing me up (by accident) and its upsetting cos I miss that family.

I can clearly recall all the horrible things he said/did etc, how he put my needs below his own and forced me to do the same. I have no illusions of getting back together. The ex promised me everything... marriage, family etc. then he let me down... So my new guy has to pay the price of my ex. When he says all those things I hold him at arms length for fear of being hurt.

Gosh, I really am messed up aren't i

No, not really. But I wouldn't underestimate how much of a shock it is having to end a marriage because your husband turns out to be gay (unless you knew before you married him, in which case, yes! you are messed up )

Seems like you've not really got yourself sorted out since the end of your marriage. You fell straight into an unsuitable relationship, which, despite the fact that you're now with a great guy, you can't stop thinking about.

I don't know why you're still hung up on this previous guy, only you know the answer to that one. But I'd hazard that it's wrapped up with self-esteem issues. Perhaps there's part of you that subconsciously does want to sabotage your new relationship, perhaps you don't feel worthy of it? Perhaps it bores you a little? Maybe you're using this previous guy as an excuse; obsessing about him is the easiest way to undermine what you have now and maybe that's the attraction.

I'd have to know you a lot better to understand what's motivating you right now, but I will say that often we sabotage the good that we have because we don't think we deserve it.

I know you say that this current relationship's great, but you're not. Not right now. And people who aren't 100% don't make great relationship partners unfortunately. Your relationship won't be the best it can be as long as you're this confused about the past.

I don't think you should end it, but I do think you should think about getting a bit of counselling to talk about your obsession with this other guy, how you felt when your marriage ended, and your feelings about relationships in general.

Lara44

Hi Foodhoarder

If the new relationship is as good as you say it is - are you sabotaging yourself? Or are you dreaming about your ex because deep down you're settling for someone that you don't like as much because you don't want to be alone?

I'd also suggest counselling. And not repeating past mistakes - don't rush into any house purchases with the new guy If the new guy is as good as he seems, maybe he will support you in getting your head around this. But it sounds like a very difficult position for him. Be careful and treat him with respect. You're obviously talking about your ex, otherwise how could he say he knows he can never measure up? You might end up increasing your self esteem by draining away his.

xbrenx

I'm wondering if it would be possible to visit his family?
You say you miss them so maybe seeing them after all this time will make you realise that you don't have anything in common with them anymore. It just might put an end to those feelings.

wapow

Dude you need therapy.
You have a nasty pattern and it needs to change before you end up hurting other people.
Its quite common so dont worry.
Someone needs to elicit these emotions within you so you can deal with them. I think you should really go see a therapist.

People can tell you its normal etc etc but work on it now while you can.

Love is a beautiful thing and you should be allowed to experience this feeling over and over again regardless of whether you have been hurt - in order for you to become trusting again you really need to talk to someone.

Foodhoarder

xbrenx wrote: »

I'm wondering if it would be possible to visit his family?
You say you miss them so maybe seeing them after all this time will make you realise that you don't have anything in common with them anymore. It just might put an end to those feelings.

After the relationship ended I went to his parents house to speak to them about the unreasonable demands their son made on me financially. They were cold as ice towards me and soley looked out for their son. They did not believe that he was responsible for my injuries and furthermore they suggested that I was a kill-joy for asking that he curb his drinking. The whole family's culture revolves around drinking.

With this in mind I dont know why I miss them so much. They were very kind to me at times and included me in family activities. I have seen the mother in the village shop and she stared thru me. So sad to be treated as if I didn't exist by someone I genuinely cared about.

So, no... I wont be going round for tea and cakes...

euronorris

Have you considered that you don't feel worthy of being happy, or a good man/relationship? And why that might be?

It is sounding, more and more, like you are self sabotaging. Because, well, you don't really have many nice things to miss about these people. If everything with the new guy is as good as you say it is, there shouldn't be any need for that. Or, are things not perhaps as good as you have portrayed?

Again, not judging or insuating anything, they are just questions to try and help you understand yourself and your feelings better.