Thought I was over him...

Foodhoarder

Hi All
Quick potted history. Met a guy after I split with my husband (which is absolutely fine) The new guy and I got on really well, I fell for im hard and fast. Against my better judgement things went far to fast, we bought a house after only 6 months together.

There were fundemental issues in the relationship which we could not agree on.. . Lack and quality of sex and his alcohol consumption were the main issues. I did try to broach these subject many times but he would say that sex isn't everything and he was trying to enjoy his life. My parents said that he has alienated me from my friends and family and was controlling me (in hindsight this seems plausible/true)

It all ended when he shoved me down the stairs whilst drunk. It was very difficult for me to gain back my sense of self, to get the mortgage sorted out and pay him out the house etc was very stressful.

Then there was the to-fro of him coming round for sex whilst drunk and my total lack of self respect/desperation for some physical contact and my deep attraction to him made this possible

He moved back to his parents which is about a mile away, still lives there now. We finally stopped all the nonsense after a few months. I found a new guy to replace him (this is my pattern- please dont judge!) I have been with my new man for about 18 months.

I have been very happy with this new man- but recently I have seen my ex around the village, had a few phone calls from his parents house (I suspect that his aging father has just pressed ex name in the phone and my number is still in it).

I keep finding myself day dreaming about being with the ex again. I miss his family. I try really hard to remember the reasons we are apart and focus on the great relationship I have now. I find myself wondering about if ex has a new girlfriend, what he is doing in his life, if he ever got help with his drinking... and on it goes...

My main issue is I keep having dreams about my ex most nights and wake up sobbing and grieving in my new mans arms

Thankfully my new guy is very supportive and I can talk to him about how I feel about the ex- but there are limits!

What is it going to take for me to forget my ex and really move on? I have been thinking about emailing ex and just saying what I need to say but thats not enough. I want to hear how he is, what he is doing... And I will be totally honest- if he had a new girlfriend I would be crushed and I dont know why. I dont want him back. I could never have him back after all he put me through.

Someone please tell me to get a grip and stop throwing what i have now away.

delain

Yep, get a grip and move on!

You're damaging your relationship with your current bf too... How do you think he feels about all this!

londonsurrey

I agree with Delain.
I'm puzzled by what seems to be a missing bit of the puzzle. You say that he can be a violent alcoholic, the sex was not good, and he's now living at home.

Other than the fact you like his family, what makes you miss him?

tea_lover

I think what would really help would be some time on your own - not totally on your own of course, but not in a relationship.

System

Its hard to move on when youve fallen in love with someone else and theres definately no future for the two of you. I think its just a matter of reminding yourself of the reasons why you split up (and how awful he was to you).

podperson

Hun, it sounds like your relationship with him was controlling and abusive and that is something that can be difficult to come to terms with. Then when it ended, instead of taking some time to yourself to try and work through it you jumped straight into another relationship. I'm not trying to judge you for doing that but it sounds like you didn't give yourself chance to get over and come to terms with your old relationship first so now it's coming out in other ways. Would it be worth you perhaps seeing someone like a counsellor in order to talk through your issues with your ex - might help you to then be able to move on with your life and with your new fella.

hazyjo

I think it's partly a pattern of wanting to change men who can't be changed. You want to feel missed, that he made a mistake, that things were better than you remember them, that he really loved you despite treating you like rubbish... you're looking at it through rose tinted glasses.

Did he say things like 'it's because of you that I drink/get violent (or for a 'reason' like something happened to him in childhood)', or 'it's only because I love you so much'... maybe you see that as 'proof' - even though you know it's not deep down.

Try to imagine a friend's telling you this - what would you advise them?

If you contact him (not advisable!), what would you want to hear back?

I reckon you feel you're not getting enough 'proof' out of this current relationship.

What was your parents' relationship like? What did you grow up with as 'normal'?

Jx

fluffnutter

Foodhoarder wrote: »

I found a new guy to replace him (this is my pattern- please dont judge!) I have been with my new man for about 18 months.

I'm not judging you, lovey, but I suspect this is your real problem. When we have bad relationships it's normal to blame either the relationship or the other person. The sad fact is.. it's normally us that's the problem.

You stayed with a man (well done for finally ending it, btw!) who was in thrall to alcohol and violent towards you. By your own admission, you began this relationship too soon after your marriage failed. You're now with someone else, despite not having really come to terms with the end of the previous relationship.

You're not giving yourself time to sort yourself out between relationships (I think you probably know this?) and, as a result, you're falling for unsuitable men. Until you work out what you really want, and gain some confidence without a man in tow I fear that you'll keep making bad decisions and not find a man who's really right for you.

euronorris

fluffnutter wrote: »

I'm not judging you, lovey, but I suspect this is your real problem. When we have bad relationships it's normal to blame either the relationship or the other person. The sad fact is.. it's normally us that's the problem.

You stayed with a man (well done for finally ending it, btw!) who was in thrall to alcohol and violent towards you. By your own admission, you began this relationship too soon after your marriage failed. You're now with someone else, despite not having really come to terms with the end of the previous relationship.

You're not giving yourself time to sort yourself out between relationships (I think you probably know this?) and, as a result, you're falling for unsuitable men. Until you work out what you really want, and gain some confidence without a man in tow I fear that you'll keep making bad decisions and not find a man who's really right for you.

I agree, wholeheartedly, with the above.

I have a friend who does the same thing. She even recognises what she's doing, but finds it so, so difficult to stop herself. When she finds herself single, and a new man is interested, she will come out with any and every excuse as to why she should be in this new relationship, even though she knows it's not a good idea at all.

Funnily enough, she finds herself in a similar position. The new bloke is lovely, he really is, and good looking and amitious etc etc, but she's started lusting after the old one again even though he treated her like dirt (twice).

I really wish I could help you more, but the only good advice I can give (I feel), is to be out of a relationship for at least 6 months and build your self esteem away from a man. It can be hard work, but it is the only way.

Foodhoarder

delain wrote: »

Yep, get a grip and move on!

You're damaging your relationship with your current bf too... How do you think he feels about all this!

Thanks for your honesty. Yes, I do wory about my current man's feelings and how seeing me wake up so upset must affect him.

He has already said that he feels sad knowing that I will never love him as I loved my ex . After being hurt so badly I can't allow my guard down to be hurt again... or love as deeply again.

Foodhoarder

euronorris wrote: »

I agree, wholeheartedly, with the above.



I really wish I could help you more, but the only good advice I can give (I feel), is to be out of a relationship for at least 6 months and build your self esteem away from a man. It can be hard work, but it is the only way.

Thanks for your reply Euronorris... I like your friend can not think of any reason to be alone right now. I do have very strong feelings for my new man and I do not have any reason not to be with him. He loves me, I love him (as much as I can love anyone right now)

My new guy is amazingly kind, compassionate etc. I have no complaints about any aspect of the relationship. If I was alone, then staying alone would be good for me, but after so long with this guy, I cant see any reason to upset him and myself and just end things because "I want to be alone" when I clearly dont! ha ha!