Completely different attitudes to money, should we stay together?

balletshoes

HKitten wrote: »

I don't feel like I'm overreacting here - he said at one point that he'd rather do jail time than give people money if he doesn't feel he should have to pay them.

sounds like he needs to grow up a lot more before he's ready for an adult relationship and everything that entails.

pukkamum

I think the question is would you be willing to take on sole financial responsibilty, ie all the money goes into an account and you make sure bills are paid etc and he has to 'ask' if he wants to make a major purchase outside of money he has for himself per week.
Also would he be willing for you to do this?

My DH is terrible with money he would just spend spend spend, however, he knows and accepts this and has no problem with me being in control of the money.

paddy's_mum

HKitten wrote: »

he knows I'm worried about it, but he doesn't want to have a proper conversation about it, he just gets angry about it and storms off, and then five minutes later is acting like we're fine ... he is 28.

This is the loudest alarm bell you are ever going to hear in your life!!!

This is what I term 'Ostrich Syndrome'.

He is grossly immoral to bury his head in the sand and to hell with what might follow from that, what hurt he does to others, what unhappiness he may cause.

At 28, he is behaving more childishly than my 4 year old grand-daughter. She at least will grow up. You may love him but how much of that will survive when he runs you and your children into debt and financial disaster and then shucks off responsibility because somehow or other it's your own fault.....

LISTEN to the warnings that, all unaware, this 'man' is giving you loud and clear.

I wish you strength and clear judgement. Good luck.

HKitten

I haven't time to quote everyone but thank you to those who've replied, and especially those who've shared their stories. It really does help.

pukkamum wrote: »

I think the question is would you be willing to take on sole financial responsibilty, ie all the money goes into an account and you make sure bills are paid etc and he has to 'ask' if he wants to make a major purchase outside of money he has for himself per week.
Also would he be willing for you to do this?

I'm unsure. I would be willing to do this, though I don't feel like I should have to, if you know what I mean. I don't know if he'd let me though - he doesn't mind the joint account and happily pays into it, but we have equal access to it. To be fair, spending isn't so much the issue as it is just that when problems do arise, even ones that could be easily fixed, he refuses to deal with them.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

He is grossly immoral to bury his head in the sand and to hell with what might follow from that, what hurt he does to others, what unhappiness he may cause.

This is so true. It's like he doesn't see how his actions, or lack of action, can impact both of us. He thinks I don't need to worry about these things because they're on him, but if we get married and get a house etc, everything he does will affect me. I don't feel like that's a hard concept.

RAS

How much of the recent debt is in your name, how much in his name and how much is in joint names?

And are you aware that very old debts do not have to be paid because they may be statute barred? In some cases, you may be causing more trouble by making arrangements to cover old debts.

HKitten

RAS wrote: »

How much of the recent debt is in your name, how much in his name and how much is in joint names?

The current debt we have is on my credit card. He can't get credit, so when we couldn't afford certain bills, I've paid them. Stuff like the electric, which I'd rather pay than not.

And are you aware that very old debts do not have to be paid because they may be statute barred? In some cases, you may be causing more trouble by making arrangements to cover old debts.

I don't know about this statute barred thing - if we get a letter asking for payment then I assume it's not at that stage!

mytimetoshine2012

HKitten wrote: »

The current debt we have is on my credit card. He can't get credit, so when we couldn't afford certain bills, I've paid them. Stuff like the electric, which I'd rather pay than not.

OMG - this is exactly how it started with my sister, many of the debts were from her paying utlities and food shopping as well as the holiday etc. It seems already that you are the responsible adult one whereas he is the irresponsible child.

I don't know about this statute barred thing - if we get a letter asking for payment then I assume it's not at that stage!

If they are in his name then only he could find this out and it sounds like he won't.....

The more you have typed the more I think you should cut your losses now and move on. It sounds like you want an equal adult relationship not a parent/child one where you have to do all of the responsible 'money' things and sorry to be blunt but I don't think that he will be able to change even if he wants to.

It's a hard call I know,
MTTS

RAS

HKitten wrote: »

The current debt we have is on my credit card. He can't get credit, so when we couldn't afford certain bills, I've paid them. Stuff like the electric, which I'd rather pay than not.!

Can you explain the difference between shafting yourself putting essential costs on your credit card and taking out a loan like the previous girl friend did?

If he leaves, you are stuck with the whole debt.

HKitten wrote: »

I don't know about this statute barred thing - if we get a letter asking for payment then I assume it's not at that stage!

What could happen is that the debt does not have to be paid or is within a very short time of being SB and you pay unnecessarily. The creditor probably bought that debt for 5p in the pound and you just gave them 90p plus in profit for every £1 you paid.

I think you need to get over to the Debt Free Wannabee forum ASAP and do a SOA.

How long on the current tenancy?

And seriously review the joint account thing - that will be wrecking your credit rating and leave you open to him taking out thousands, leaving and you are liable for the loss.

TeamLowe

tbh i don't think it's the different attitudes to money that's the issue. me and DH have different attitudes, he's one of those who feels it burning a hole in his pocket. but he is mature (enough) to know that bills come first and debt is paid. he earns twice what i do but i take care of all the money cos he knows i'm better at it

your OH sounds incredibly disrespectful of you and incredibly childish in not wanting to accept his responsibilities.

i'd also be concerned about the difference in what you want out of your relationship. he doesn't seem like a man to be thinking about the future, not in the least providing for a family.

yes you love him very much but unfortunately sometimes love just isn't enough x x

downsizer3

I thought that having different attitudes to money would be outweighed by love, and that my sensible attitude to money would cover us, I could make it all right etc etc. Turned out I was wrong and it nearly cost me my home and everything I had worked for.
Can't say it strongly enough but you'll never make him see things your way. Keep your finances completely seperate and let him make his own mess or get out. You'll end up dealing with his debts you've taken on so far - don't make yourself liable for any more.