Completely different attitudes to money, should we stay together?

HKitten

I've been with my boyfriend about two and a half years, living together for just over a year. Since we started living together it's become more and more apparent that we have polar opposite views on finances, and it's causing me a lot of stress.

I come from a very stable upbringing. My mum controlled the money, though my parents made decisions as a couple, we had our own home, only ever moved once the entire time I was living with them, to a bigger house, and they've always urged me to keep saving once I left home.

In contrast, my partner had an unsettled childhood, moving home at least 7 times in one year once. His mum had a lot of trouble with an abusive ex. She is in her 50's and still renting with her current boyfriend. His dad left when he was 9. So basically, I've had good money role models, and he's had terrible ones.

We had two conversations this weekend where I tried to get across to him how stressed I am. After several periods of unemployment for him recently, including my brief period of redundancy last year (I now have a permanent, stable position), we're about 4k in debt and can barely cover our bills. I won't even tell you some of the things I've done to make money. This has increasingly gotten me down and worried me, because I've never let a bill pass without being paid my whole life. Whereas he has a terrible credit history, to the point that he's had debt companies sending him threatening letters in the past. He told me he used to deal with them by telling them to F off! It makes me sick just thinking about it.

His attitude is basically that his money is his, and if bills come in then he'll pay them when he feels like it. I've tried explaining that the world doesn't work like that, but he says he doesn't care.

To be clear, he pays money into our actual bill account every month. But for example, we got a letter through about an old account with Halifax he'd had where there was a £90 balance left to settle (overdraft) and because he felt it was from ages ago and something he didn't feel should have been charged in the first place, he would have ignored it. I had to call them myself to take care of it and set up a direct debit so it's being paid off.

Other than our financial issues, we have a great relationship. He loves me very much, and can be very sweet and kind. It is only when these money problems come up that he becomes this insensitive man who couldn't care less how worried I am.

Can we make it work if we're so different? Or is this a huge sign that we're not really compatible, even if I love him?

balletshoes

your post really tells how stressed you are over money together. If you stay together/get married/have a family together etc, you will always have to rely on each other regarding money to some extent or other.

So if its stressing you out now, you do have a big decision to make, as its not going to get less stressful in the future, it will be more stressful.

Sambucus_Nigra

So if you had a mortgage and kids together and happen to split up - do you think you would be in a good position or a bad one?

meritaten

HKitten wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend about two and a half years, living together for just over a year. Since we started living together it's become more and more apparent that we have polar opposite views on finances, and it's causing me a lot of stress.

I come from a very stable upbringing. My mum controlled the money, though my parents made decisions as a couple, we had our own home, only ever moved once the entire time I was living with them, to a bigger house, and they've always urged me to keep saving once I left home.

In contrast, my partner had an unsettled childhood, moving home at least 7 times in one year once. His mum had a lot of trouble with an abusive ex. She is in her 50's and still renting with her current boyfriend. His dad left when he was 9. So basically, I've had good money role models, and he's had terrible ones.

We had two conversations this weekend where I tried to get across to him how stressed I am. After several periods of unemployment for him recently, including my brief period of redundancy last year (I now have a permanent, stable position), we're about 4k in debt and can barely cover our bills. I won't even tell you some of the things I've done to make money. This has increasingly gotten me down and worried me, because I've never let a bill pass without being paid my whole life. Whereas he has a terrible credit history, to the point that he's had debt companies sending him threatening letters in the past. He told me he used to deal with them by telling them to F off! It makes me sick just thinking about it.

His attitude is basically that his money is his, and if bills come in then he'll pay them when he feels like it. I've tried explaining that the world doesn't work like that, but he says he doesn't care.

To be clear, he pays money into our actual bill account every month. But for example, we got a letter through about an old account with Halifax he'd had where there was a £90 balance left to settle (overdraft) and because he felt it was from ages ago and something he didn't feel should have been charged in the first place, he would have ignored it. I had to call them myself to take care of it and set up a direct debit so it's being paid off.

Other than our financial issues, we have a great relationship. He loves me very much, and can be very sweet and kind. It is only when these money problems come up that he becomes this insensitive man who couldn't care less how worried I am.

Can we make it work if we're so different? Or is this a huge sign that we're not really compatible, even if I love him?

hun? he has a different attitude to you about money. I think you are taking this personally and he honestly does NOT realise just how upset and worried you get - to him YOU are worried about nothing! you see him as insensitive - he probably sees you as a worrywart! This needs talking about!
You say he is very sweet and kind - then appeal to that side of him! I wouldnt split up over it - I would instead work out how you both can manage your finances............only you and he can do that! but you need to approach it with a fair bit of compromise on both parts!

pinkshoes

Financial compatibility is JUST important in relationships as everything else.

Personally I'd find his attitude towards money a complete and utter turn off! If it were me, I'd call it a day, as there is no way I'd plan a future or want to spend the rest of my life with someone who had such a lousy attitude towards money.

Tigsteroonie

Does he want to retain his independence financially, or is he happy for you (with your more sensible head) to take control? I work and have wages coming in; my OH is the stay-at-home parent and the various benefits for our son go into his account. I have control of all the bills and ensure they are paid, but we both contribute.

Has he brought any debt into the relationship (other than that £90 o/d)? You want to avoid paying that off for him.

HKitten

Thanks for the quick replies I posted about this on a dedicated relationship forum and got no responses.

To answer some questions - he knows I'm upset. Yesterday trying to tell him how I felt I was in tears, and I've been very sad and down recently about our finances, which he has noticed. So it's not a case of him being unaware that I'm worried. We have had several conversations about how difficult things are, so it's not news to him.

He didn't bring any debt, neither did I. However, I do know that his ex girlfriend paid off debts of a couple of thousand for him by getting a loan in her name. So he has had debt, I just met him after it had been taken care of.

He is happy for me to have control. In some ways I don't exactly mind taking care of most things, but I hate this feeling that if I were ever sick, or in some other way needed his help, I wouldn't be able to trust him to look after things.

HKitten

I was thinking about seeing if he'll come to relationship counseling, so that we'd have somewhere neutral to talk things over. But most places seem to be asking upwards of £35 a session, and we can't afford that

Are there any cheaper similar options?

Tigsteroonie

HKitten wrote: »

I was thinking about seeing if he'll come to relationship counseling, so that we'd have somewhere neutral to talk things over. But most places seem to be asking upwards of £35 a session, and we can't afford that

Are there any cheaper similar options?

You could always suggest that he enrol onto the forum here!!

Seriously, counselling? If the rest of your relationship is going well, then you simply need to find a way forward as regard responsibility to finances. You seem to be worrying perhaps a little too much, especially over-thinking things like "if I were ever sick ..." Do you spend a similar amount of time worrying about how you'd cope if you won £42m on the lottery?

He's noticed that you're upset, he's aware as to why. My suggestion would be to head for neutral ground (a pub, a restaurant), have a nice evening, and have a relaxed discussion about it.

caeler

I took control of my ex's debts by taking it into my name and unfortunately whilst we were getting straight he continued to run up credit card bills and took out another loan. We didn't share views, mine being very sensible, his being similar to your OH. It stressed me out too and made me very unhappy that I'd put so much effort into saving money and being careful and he'd not now how he'd spent his salary and gone massively into his overdraft each month.

Sambucus_Nigra

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

So if you had a mortgage and kids together and happen to split up - do you think you would be in a good position or a bad one?

Narrowly avoiding the above question then...