Completely different attitudes to money, should we stay together?

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Don't walk away from this loser, run and don't ever look back.

Change your mobile number and forget he ever existed.

jago25_98

he had a crappy childhood. You had a decent one.

From experience i find that these people may appear to strive to better themselves but when it comes down to it they let you down... And hurt you. This is something they have to alone.

Money sounds like a symptom of this

It's harsh but you sound too good for him. You can do it now or perhaps he'll mess it up for you when he doesn't feel worthy enough later on

Sambucus_Nigra

HKitten wrote: »

To be honest I wasn't sure what you meant by a good position... I don't believe he'd be malicious and try and screw me out of anything, but that's assuming we split up without a huge amount of bitterness or anger, and I can't predict that. And if we had savings, they'd be joint, not separate, so I wouldn't be in any better of a position than he was... did you mean something else?

A good position would be one in which you were confident that you could survive when he tells you to f. off. Just like he does everyone else he might owe money to. A bad position would be one in which you would have to fight for your money [such as child maintenance, getting a house sold and monies split fairly, getting back your possessions etc].

FBaby

i think you are doing the right thing questioning your future together now. If you decide to look forward to invest more with him (financially, emotionally etc...), then you need to accept that you are doing so at risk. His attitude towards money is not about poor financial management, it's most likely much deeper than that, as in an unwillingness to face serious issues and the potential consequences of it.

You could decide on this basis to agree that you will take over the full management of your finances, however, many people here will tell you that it is no guarantee to solve the issue as unless he tackles the other issues, nothing will stop him taking out credit cards or loans and not tell you about it (been there myself!). You could try to help me tackling the real issue, that is his inability to face up to responsibility, but that is likely to be a long hard road, with no guarantee of success, and resentment built in on the way.

I've been with a man who would not face up to financial responsibility. I tried very hard to make this issue not affect our relationship, but he didn't manage to change his ways, and I reached the point where resentment took over the feelings I once had for him. Thankfully, I had protected myself as much as possible and managed to avoid his finances affecting me when we separated.

My new partner is the opposite of my ex, extremely careful about money, and it is such a relief. Not having to constantly worry about money, being able to discuss it together, make decisions together, knowing that he will stick to what we agreed, knowing that if something happened and my income went down I could rely on him to support me (and vice-versa) is such a comforting thought. Having been in both shoes, I can categorically say that I would never ever start another relationship with someone who has issues with managing their money. I should have smelt the coffee from the start with my ex. He already owed £2,000 when we met although he had a stable job and limited costs, and even before we moved in together, he was regularly asking me to lend him some cash at the end of the month. However, my ex didn't come from a trouble background, as a matter, just the opposite. His parents didn't earn a lot, but have always been very careful with money and have been excellent role models, yet somehow, he has always had an issue with spending over his means and keeping his head in the sand with repayments.

whiteguineapig

HKitten wrote: »

Thanks for the quick replies I posted about this on a dedicated relationship forum and got no responses.

To answer some questions - he knows I'm upset. Yesterday trying to tell him how I felt I was in tears, and I've been very sad and down recently about our finances, which he has noticed. So it's not a case of him being unaware that I'm worried. We have had several conversations about how difficult things are, so it's not news to him.

He didn't bring any debt, neither did I. However, I do know that his ex girlfriend paid off debts of a couple of thousand for him by getting a loan in her name. So he has had debt, I just met him after it had been taken care of.

He is happy for me to have control. In some ways I don't exactly mind taking care of most things, but I hate this feeling that if I were ever sick, or in some other way needed his help, I wouldn't be able to trust him to look after things.

i worried for you as soon as i read this bit , i sometimes read the debtfree board and there are an awful lot of people there struggling to pay off debts that they took on in for ex partners

HKitten

I would definitely never get a loan out for him. When he told me his ex had done that for him I thought it sounded stupid - even if we were married, I'd be reluctant to do something like that.

It's very difficult because in most other respects, we're very compatible and I do love him. But having unexpected bills pop up from his past is stressful, and the fact that he won't deal with them really bothers me. It's not the biggest hassle for me to deal with setting up direct debits and so on, but it's still something I feel I shouldn't have to worry about!

I'm not sure how to approach him about it. For me, it's a big issue and could end with us splitting up. I don't think he realises how serious it is - he knows I'm worried about it, but he doesn't want to have a proper conversation about it, he just gets angry about it and storms off, and then five minutes later is acting like we're fine. I need to sit him down and try and talk it through, but it feels like I'm hardly going to convince him to change his attitude in one sitting, and if he gets funny about it again then I'm going to be tempted to pack a bag and go stay with my mum for a few days.

For some perspective in case people are wondering, I am 25 and he is 28.

HKitten

I don't feel like I'm overreacting here - he said at one point that he'd rather do jail time than give people money if he doesn't feel he should have to pay them.

System

Oh dear, oh dear

Peater

May i ask how old are you both?

He sounds like a 13yr old......

mytimetoshine2012

I feel for you. My sister was in a similar position some time ago. The guy she lived with was completely irresponsible when it came to money. He saw going into their overdraft as "spending the banks money" and refused to pay anything back. He was 26 at the time. He didn't come from a bad background as such he just thought the world owed him a living. Anyway he admitted to a bit of debt (after the letters or baliffs came though!) and said similar things about not being bothered to pay it back as it was only "readers digest" or because they hadn't written to him sooner or whatever. When when he worked away for a while she rearranged some furniture and there it was a big pile of letters 20 grands worth of debt all under the bookcase. He claimed it was ex's etc etc but it was all things he had bought for himself or spent out enjoying himself.

Long story short she eventually left carrying lots of debt, £6k in her name. This acrued becasue she lent him money for things like a holiday and he was gonna pay it back etc, or paid for the sofa on CC and he was gonna pay his half etc. So although she did not pay for his debts it had a knock on effect. It took 4 years to pay it all off and 6 to put the credit rating right. A bit of digging revealed that his ex's had all been victims of this technique, his parents hid their money and cards when he visited and his *friends* were all very wary of him.

She is with a great guy now who has a different attitude to money and is happy and relaxed. Whilst they are not rich they are not in debt either. She wants to start a family now which she would never have considered with him.

And him...well he left the county shortly after they split and moved in with another girl, same story over and over, he has now skipped the country as people are looking for him. His Mum is in despair becasue of the nonstop calls and visits and not just from agencies either...some dubious characters who he borrowed from.

To be honets your OH's attitude would worry me...my sister used to say her ex would be raiding the kids money boxes at night so as he didn't miss out on anything...if you have any concerns like these then you need to move on.

Wishing you luck and strength
MTTS