Completely different attitudes to money, should we stay together?

MrsE_2

HKitten wrote: »

Thanks for the quick replies I posted about this on a dedicated relationship forum and got no responses.

To answer some questions - he knows I'm upset. Yesterday trying to tell him how I felt I was in tears, and I've been very sad and down recently about our finances, which he has noticed. So it's not a case of him being unaware that I'm worried. We have had several conversations about how difficult things are, so it's not news to him.

He didn't bring any debt, neither did I. However, I do know that his ex girlfriend paid off debts of a couple of thousand for him by getting a loan in her name. So he has had debt, I just met him after it had been taken care of.

He is happy for me to have control. In some ways I don't exactly mind taking care of most things, but I hate this feeling that if I were ever sick, or in some other way needed his help, I wouldn't be able to trust him to look after things.

My ex husband (together 17 years) comes from the chaotic sort of upbring you describe about your OH. I come from a more hard work & get on with it up bringing.
He tried to change essentially the type of person he was, but eventually when stressed & under pressure he reverted to "type".
Your OH might change for you, but I don't know if people ever really change deep down. What I'm saying is, no matter how he acts to please you, your fundamental differences in your attitudes to life will probably always be a problem:(

January20

I would split up over it - unless he changed his ways. And I speak like this because of my personal experience of somebody who had a very similar attitude, who would think that paying the rent was less important than going down the pub with his mates for instance. Because the day you find you have not enough money to even buy a loaf of bread is a very hard day, especially when you have a child too.

I'm not saying you should split up. I'm saying you really need to tackle the situation now, and very firmly, and make him understand what you think and what you are expecting of him. He will not change unless he wants to though.

RE the ex-girlfriend and the loan, did he pay her back? Or did she take the debt on and he moved on?

In any case, you should really try not to bail him out of any situation, lend him money for instance as you would only be enabling his bad financial habits.

I would also suggest not having any financial ties to him ie joint account, mortgages because his bad credit would affect yours.

HKitten

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Narrowly avoiding the above question then...

To be honest I wasn't sure what you meant by a good position... I don't believe he'd be malicious and try and screw me out of anything, but that's assuming we split up without a huge amount of bitterness or anger, and I can't predict that. And if we had savings, they'd be joint, not separate, so I wouldn't be in any better of a position than he was... did you mean something else?

MrsE wrote: »

What I'm saying is, no matter how he acts to please you, your fundamental differences in your attitudes to life will probably always be a problem:(

This is what I fear, that even if he says he'll change, he'll never really get rid of his current 'don't care' attitude. I know that I certainly couldn't change how I am and start letting everything go to hell, so is it really fair of me to ask him to do the same?

January20 wrote: »

I would also suggest not having any financial ties to him ie joint account, mortgages because his bad credit would affect yours.

Unfortunately it's a little late for that - we have a joint account for the bills. It seemed like a good idea when we were moving in together, but I hadn't realised then how his credit could affect mine.

System

Personally i dont think i could trust a man with that attitude to keep the roof over my head. I'd always wonder if bailifs were a hairs breath from knocking at my door.

My attitude to money is totally different to my husbands but i know at the end of the month the money will be in my bank account to pay the household bills.

londonsurrey

Have you considered counselling? I share your stance on finances, but it sounds like you OH thinks you're fussing unnecessarily, on par with some OCD cleaning freak wanting him to sterilise his shoes when he comes indoors or a religious fanatic wanting him to pray several times a day.

So getting him to understand your point of view whilst trying to mediate a way of negotiating finances together is essentially your aim in order to continue harmoniously.

thegirlintheattic

I'm afraid that if he doesn't see what a problem this is for you now he never will. You have to think in the long-term - would you want to get a mortgage with his attitude to money? is he going to be a stable provider for any future children? are you going to have bailiffs at your door? I would also be extremely worried that an ex had to pay off his debt - not a good sign.

Just seen - joint account! Pay it off if needed and close it down ASAP! You do not want to be linked with someone with a bad credit record - it can haunt you for years.

lindsaygalaxy

Been where u are, took on his debt as was talked into it 'being fr our future', im now a discharged bankrupt and hes moved on after having an affair.
Money is a huge thing in a relationship when its causing this much stress. How is the future going to work when u both want to buy a house, go on maternity leave to have a baby then maybe work part time? Maybe the shock of him realising your serious about it and its a reason to break up it might be a wake up call for him!

Lara44

HKitten wrote: »

I won't even tell you some of the things I've done to make money.

It sounds like you both have slightly abnormal attitudes to money - you are *too* worried about it (by the sounds of the quote above) and he is not worried enough. You need to try to meet in the middle and compromise.

It is a very stressful situation not having enough money. Have you talked to your lenders about your previous financial problems? Check the DFW forum - if you're now working and keeping the lender in the loop you may be able to come to agreements about reduced payments. Do a statement of affairs and post it up in the DFW forum for lots and help and advice. At the end of the day your health is the most important thing.

You could start by looking up your own and your partner's credit ratings together and discussing the impact debt problems may have. Perhaps if your OH starts to understand that debt issues might negatively impact future plans for a mortgage etc. it might change his view. He may take some time to become more mature about his affairs if he hasn't lived away from home very long. At the end of the day it's not the fact of having afferent opinions that harms a relationship - it's how you deal with them that matters. Try to find ways of talking about money that aren't personal and negotiate a shared compromise.

Money_maker

HKitten wrote: »

However, I do know that his ex girlfriend paid off debts of a couple of thousand for him by getting a loan in her name. So he has had debt, I just met him after it had been taken care of.

Taken care of? He didn't take care of it, his ex did. OMG:eek:

Yorkie1

I read recently that finances are one of the major causes of friction and relationships difficulties. You need to have trust and compatibility in this area of life as in others.