Should I leave my wife (long post, sorry!)

Thegirl

My first advice would be to ignore the distraction of the nice woman. It's hard when you see so much potential with someone else, but I believe whether you are happy in your relationship or not you can meet someone who truly turns your head, someone who if you were single may well be a real contender for a relationship. What you do about that is your choice. You can choose to act upon it and find out what might be, you can choose to dream about it as escapism, you can choose to distance yourself from them. All choices. Whilst married, happily or not, you should be distancing yourself.

As for your relationship. Personally, I hate people checking my emails/phone, I feel incrediably strongly about this. Why? Because no one owns me and we do not have the thought police. It is a huge invation of privacy. I just think we all need a little bit of ourselves that is just for us. That said, sometimes the urge comes over you to check a phone when you never have done before. Sometimes this is because your instincts are telling you something is wrong.

If you still feel the need to check up on your wife (and I am guessing from the fact that you know her pin has changed three times you do) then really what you should be doing is talking to your partner as to why you feel this way. Neglect/past behavior/distance between you. Because it won't ever work no matter how hard you try unless you get over this. If you cannot forgive what she did, then perhaps a split whist you are amicable is best.

This is all incrediably hard to do whilst already battling with depression. Not a position I envy. But you need to know what your real feelings are before you can deal with anyone elses.

ruby-roo_2

Anguished wrote: »

I'm struggling somedays to make decisions about whether to make a cup of tea or coffee, it seems so unfair that I have to make such a massive and potentially damaging life decision too.

Thanks again everyone.

Would further counselling, either with your wife or by yourself, help you to look at the situation from a number of perspectives? The more clearly we can see something the easier it is to work out what we want to do next. Often a problem or worry can seem unsummountable till someone skilled can help you learn techniques to navigate your way through. You are right, that this is a massive decision and could be life changing. How you handle things now will make a huge difference to how you feel in the future about your relationship, whether you stay together or not.

victory

Anguished wrote: »

Ok, some good posts but a few of the 'slippery slope' fallacy, jump-to-conclusion ones too!

(To save ill will, I'll ignore those who think 1+1=3 or those who chose not/failed to read my original posts.)

My wife and I have talked this through at length, however I'm struggling to believe anything she says, not only because she lied when the news broke, but also because she lied subsequently to this and still appears to be hiding something from me. I don't trust her quite simply and I've no idea whether that trust is likely to come back or not.

Our marriage was exceptionally happy for years, I've tried to find out exactly when and why the affair started, but she just clams up and won't talk about it. I'm sure she's embarrassed about what she did but it doesn't help me understand if/why this might happen again and what I could do to prevent it.



I guess I might have to be content with taking on all the advice offered and weighing everything up. I'm struggling somedays to make decisions about whether to make a cup of tea or coffee, it seems so unfair that I have to make such a massive and potentially damaging life decision too.

Thanks again everyone.

You are asking your wife to tell you blow by blow account of when/how/why it happened to have the trust, that is a lot to ask, I am guessing and it is only a guess that your wife does not want to tell you word for word because of the pain it will cause you, for respect, for her embarrasment as you say but more for you, for your well being and in view of your depression.

Is that fair on you? Well that is a question that is difficult to answer because your wife does not want to make it worse for you and you just want every last drop of honesty laid on the table, in all its rawness and are you sure you need that, can you cope with it?

With depression everything is exacerbated, everything is bigger than it is already why add to it?

You think the honesty is the only way for forgiveness, the only reason to trust and be able to carry on with the relationship, are you prepared to hear what you so really do not want to hear and maybe that will tip you over the edge?

What would be the point of adding even more pain that eats away at your being?

You say you had some many happy years with your wife, get out the photo album and look at what it was, put a video on of a great day out you had together, read some letters she wrote to you, or poems she wrote, or cards, or smile around the house at what you bought together, or remember one day you had the perfect day, the holidays you had, the places you went to, the shows you both like on the tele, the same morals, values you shared, the fun you have had with your respective families and shared friends, the joy she brought you when she did this for you or that for you, the way she used... think about it, if you had such happy years, these ones now suck, they were not always like that, drag up some back memories

benb76

The trust has gone, it'll never come back. You could spend the next 30-40 years of your life in an unfulfilling and unhappy marriage, and then die. That's it, your one shot at life gone. The alternative of ending it and going alone takes a bit of bravery, but the independence and future happiness are easily worth it.

From a legal point of view, your wife has been supporting you during marriage and will therefore have obligations to continue this. Get a free initial 30 min consultation with a solicitor for more, and better, info.