Should I leave my wife (long post, sorry!)

paddy's_mum

Stop keep punishing her. Split. There's nothing to save all the time you are skulking about looking for more evidence to justify your anger. She did something utterly disloyal and stupid but she did it (it would seem) as a direct consequence of feeling undervalued and helpless in the face of your depressive behaviour.

She's met you halfway, with the counselling and yet you won't let your hurt and anger go. You are going the right way to destroy your marriage since all you are now doing is stifling her while plotting your own bit of treachery and/or infidelity.

How do you know that she has changed her pin three times?!! Snooping (however understandable) is never a nice trait and when discovered, produces nothing but ever growing mistrust.

I have to say that I do sympathise very much with all your feelings of hurt and betrayal but I'd be running a mile if my husband was so unable to forgive as you appear to be. I wish both of you luck in sorting out the sorry mess.

flutterby_lil

The first thing that sprung to my mind is that you have got thoughts about somebody else in your mind, probably whilst your wife is making dinner (as you pointed out about her before) - maybe this is how her affair started.

It seems to me that you want revenge and possibly could be just as bad as she is. I know you said you would leave your wife before anything happened, but the fact you stayed with her surely means you wanted it to work, if not you'd have left at the time and then would have been single to meet this lady, not married.

VfM4meplse

It sounds as though your trust in your wife has evaporated, but you haven't had the courtesy to ket her know so she can help you regain it. It's not fair on either of you to continue like this, either make your feelings abundantly clear or move on.

I would suggest that you move out as soon as it is financially viable to do so. That means motivating yourself to earn an independent income. It may well give you a distraction from your thoughts, which seem to be all-consuming rght now.

pelirocco

londonsurrey wrote: »

The good thing about meeting this other woman, at least you don't have to be reassured about the "No one else would want me" issue.

What is good is that you're not jumping into cheating. Firstly, you're sorting yourself out first, which will give any subsequent relationships the best chance you can. Secondly, although you've been put through the wringer in terms of trust and emotionally, you are maintaining your integrity, and with that, your self respect, which can only be good thing.

Actually I think the Op is trying to justify his feelings for another woman by using the fact that his wife cheated on him as justification

OP you either go or stay , I dont think its ever a good choice to leave one relationship for another

Lara44

I really feel for you OP. That must have been a horrible experience, I'm glad to hear you're coming through the depression.

I want to play devil's advocate for a moment though. Being the partner of a depressed person can be quite tough. She may have taken many aspects of your illness quite personally (as I did when my partner was depressed). She may have felt rejected and unwanted. Obviously it was a huge mistake for her to have an affair rather than dealing with these feelings in an ethical and positive way. But you say there is a dark side to her, and that she is calculating. But if she found this thread, wouldn't she see you in the same way? You're asking strangers online if you should leave your wife for another woman (even though you don't know if this other woman is interested?).

You are both capable of hurting and upsetting each other and it's clear the trust has broken down between the two of you. Only you can really answer if you want to be part of trying to save the relationship. It's okay to be upset and angry, but in time you will need to look beyond this betrayal and find a way of dealing with it.

Dunroamin

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Best case scenario;

You walk out.

Claim JSA/ESA.

Get a bedsit paid for with LHA/due to your mental health issues and help from various professionals, you get accepted by the local council for rehousing in a bedsit.


You get your own life.


Worst case;

You keep your resentment and anger bubbling under the surface, keep hating your wife for what happened - and what didn't - start getting your own back by doing exactly the same to her, keep her supporting you, keep checking her phone, her computer, everything she does - and she realises that actually, not only is it clear that you despise her, she doesn't love you anymore, depression or no depression, and she 'leaves' you, enforces the sale of the house and you are left homeless.


Your choice.

Your best case scenario doesn't sound like much of an improvement on the worse!

You can't really be suggesting that the OP's best hope is to be living on benefits in a council bedsit, surely?

thunderbird

Anguished wrote: »

Thank you so much everyone! I'm surprised at just how well everyone seems to understand this, maybe a case of me not being able to see the wood for the trees?

I'll make more headway into becoming independent, I'm already volunteering a fair bit and tbh if I got a paying job, then that would probably answer a lot of my issues.

I won't be rushing any decisions, I've already gone 6 months without doing anything drastic and while I don't feel so angry anymore, my head is slowly clearing and I guess this is why I've asked for advice now and not a few months back.

Sounds like you're doing pretty good by yourself, without the advice given here

FBaby

pelirocco wrote: »

Actually I think the Op is trying to justify his feelings for another woman by using the fact that his wife cheated on him as justification

OP you either go or stay , I dont think its ever a good choice to leave one relationship for another

I have to say that this is how I read the OP too. Your wife cheated on you and lied, despicable behaviour BUT you were not forced to stay with her, you made that decision. It should have been on the basis that you accepted to move on from the past and not used her behaviour to give you the right to do the same. Of course moving on is very difficult, but you have to be prepared to work towards it if you agree to forgive.

You are now doing exactly what you are accusing her of doing. You are letting her believe that you have forgiven her and agreed to work on the marriage, with her helping you through your depression whilst you are fantasing about someone else and now only thinking of the impact the separation would have on you and you only.

It is not because she did it to you that it makes it ok for you to do, not when you had the choice to leave her if you thought her behaviour was inexcusable.

What you should be concentrating on is not charming another lady, but continuing to get better mentally and focussing on being able to get back to work and find your independence again.

Padstow

What you're doing is every bit as cruel as your wife having an affair. Whilst she thinks that you're both working through a difficult period in the marriage, both her affair and your depression, you meanwhile are planning an exit strategy based on another woman/women.
You are weeks if not months ahead of your wife in your thinking as she hasn't a clue. I take it the OW has a place for you to move into? If you leave for another woman, your wife will be as much a mental mess as you suffered. She'll see or hear how happy you are with the new woman, while she's left devastated as she thought it was working out.

The fairest way to manage all this, is to divorce before temptation overtakes you. You surely have access to money, otherwise how do you manage day to day? Tell your wife it's over, there's none so cowardly than those who wait for a new relationship before leaving the present one.
Move out to private rented alone, your wife needs to help with that financially.
There is lttle fault in present divorce, but there is decency in how to end it, and I get the feeling that you are a decent man.
The less animosity now, the smoother the money matters will be. Remember, you are ahead of your wife, give her time to catch up.

paddy's_mum

The wife was NOT having an affair. She had a stupid flirtation when she was at an understandable very low ebb.

When push came to shove, she chose the marriage and has worked at restoring and healing the relationship, while at the same time, keeping the roof over their heads and the bills paid while at the same time, trying to deal with a husband who is severely depressed.

Anguished, if you were my husband and had issued orders to the 'other man' as well as keeping in touch with his wife, as well as checking my communications, while I was slogging to put my massively thoughtless and damaging behaviour in the past, while at the same time YOU are plotting to hit her back with another woman, I'd be gone - sharpish - and take my income with me.

How come you have no friends?

Doesn't her text to the 'other man' in which she makes it clear that she doesn't want to give up on the marriage tell you where her heart really is?

Yes, you've both had a very rough time of it but you are not (I feel) tallying up the good or loyal things that she does for you. Instead, you are actively planning vengeful conduct.

My final thought is this - you are throwing away a marriage that has all the hallmarks of strength and loyalty because your loathing of her stupidity is greater than your capacity to forgive. Hope the 'other woman' doesn't decide that she doesn't want a man incapable of forgiveness.

Your call.