Should I leave my wife (long post, sorry!)

Anguished

I’m a long term poster so this is a one-off account as the following story is just too painful. Any and all advice/opinions are appreciated. Grab a coffee, this might take some time!

My wife and I are late 30s/early 40s, been together for 18 years, married for the last 5 years, no kids. Last September, after a really tough year of me being unemployed, out of the blue I was diagnosed with depression (no prior history, a complete shock to me). Exactly a week later (after I noticed a suspicious text so checked her phone) I find out my wife had been having an affair for the last 6 months with her work colleague. She initially denied this saying it was all fantasy and had been acted out in emails, even to the extent that she repeated this lie at our first Relate meeting we decided to go to. Subsequently I found a load of emails that showed she had at times met up with this guy, and while sexual contact had occurred, it was unlikely they had actually slept together (mainly because there were a lot of emails plotting about how/when they could meet up to do it for the first time). I sent the guy an email telling him to keep away from her, before then visiting his wife at work and telling her about the affair.


My wife insisted she still loved me, citing my undiagnosed depression as the reason I hadn’t been paying her much attention (which is broadly true). I’m fairly sure they haven’t met up since (especially as I kept in touch with his wife who had given him the ultimatum “me and your child or her” and he chose wisely) even though their work means they might bump into each other occasionally.


In the following months it felt like my world had fallen to pieces and this news on top of the depression really pushed me to the edge. My wife was very helpful at first I admit, but the anger, resentment, sleepless nights and tears took months to abate and only now am I starting to get over these issues. I’ve been massively proactive in fighting the depression and I’m a lot closer to conquering it. After the first few months she seems to have forgotten/wants to forget what happened, while it eats me up every day. We did about 4 sessions of counselling, with an extra couple of sessions each on our own which did help.


It’s not so much WHAT she has done, it’s actually the lies that have done the most hurt to me. Lying about the affair, lying about what they had done together, refusing to discuss the circumstances around the affair starting (I was hoping to know so I could avoid it ever getting to that stage again) etc. She’s also changed her phone’s PIN 3 times since I guessed it last September when I found the texts. It’s really like there’s a side to her that I never knew existed. A cold hard side that saw him during the day then saw me in the evening like nothing’s happened. A side that looked me in the eyes and blatantly lied; that sent him dirty emails while I’d make her dinner in the evening only a few feet away; a side that told him “if I sleep with you then I’ll finally admit my marriage is over”.
The thing is, while we’re now getting on perhaps better than ever, I know that dark side of her exists. I know the ‘happiness and light’ side she’s showing me is tinged with the fact that I feel it’s all an act and at any time she’ll just sidle off and do what she wants with no thought for me again.

So.....as part of the activities I’ve been doing to beat the depression, I’ve met a really nice woman. Yes, I definitely feel attracted to her and I’ve no idea whether it’s mutual or not but it could develop that way. In fact, even if it doesn’t end up being her, I think that if the right person came along then there’s the possibility of me leaving my wife; the pain is still bad, I still feel she’s hiding things from me and I also feel like she’s carrying a loaded gun and without flinching could blow another hole in my heart.


Due to the unemployment I have no money of my own (not even income support as she earns too much). Any money that is mine is tied up in the house. Hell I can’t even leave her as I have no family or friends to stop with, no liquid money of my own. The last months have been spent with her whinging because her employment is changing, but with the prospect of her possibly earning a heck of a lot more money, while I grin and bear it because I couldn’t give two hoots about her bloody job or money, I just want my life back!
Also I’m a poor liar, if I feel I might leave her in the future then I’d hate to tell her “I love you” every day knowing I didn’t mean it. I’m also aware that if I start to get on well with this other woman and she then finds out I’m married, that she’ll run a mile, (even though this is actually a genuine case of “I don’t get on with my wife, we’re going to get divorced, really we are!”) which could blow my chance of being genuinely happy.
Ok, I’m going to stop typing as I’m starting to think aloud, which is never a good thing. I’m just looking for some clarity right now. Thanks for reading.

Seanymph

The problem with depression is that it colours how you feel.

Your wife is bound to want to move on and not talk about it - she's the guilty one, and she doesn't want to address what she did.

You however need to be angry, receive reassurance, and develop understanding.

If she can't give up the ease of ignoring your pain and put the time and emotional effort into helping you get over what SHE did then I think you have a stark choice - sacrifice your emotional wellbeing to prioritise hers, or move on without her.

It's a difficult choice, but we should never be with anyone for financial reasons. The feeling of being trapped will not help your depression.

There is a free kindle book I downloaded a few weeks ago with 52 ways to fight depression, small things but really useful - things like get outside every day, grow things if you can, write a diary - you may find those tips useful if you can track down a similar list.

DS4215

Sounds like you aren't over it and still don't trust her (not surprising) and you feel stuck (no money to escape). Have a look into what benefits you can get if you left her (JSA, HB, CTax, etc) to see if it is financially possible then sit down with her and talk. It might be that she wants to fight for your relationship and you can both work through it together. But at least you will know and be able to do whatever you need to.

victory

Escapinsm springs to mind first with what your wife did, boredome also, your wife may have not put too much on it, it was just a bit of fun, sure fun that caused endless pain to you but now you are all consumed with it, checking phones and texts and you are stifling her, to the point where she will have no respect for you and feel like a prisoner.

Tit for tat also springs to mind, you have met a lovely lady, you know first hand how it ate you up, how excructiatingly painful it was for you to find out about your wife and yet you want to do the same to her?

The depression needs counselling, needs maybe medication, needs CBT, needs a lot of attention to get it to a lower level.

duchy

I suspect you're now dealing with this now -as the depression stopped you fully dealing with it before.

Don't rush into anything -consider counselling either alone (maybe best to deal with YOUR unresolved feelings first) and then with her later ? Trust will take time to rebuild-only you know if it's even possible. My marriage ended the day I discovered my husband had cheated -It wasn't the actual infidelity it was the lying that went along with it. I could have forgiven him the cheating but I had lost all respect for him -and a relationship has nothing (for me) without mutual love and respect)-however I have friends (probably better people than me) who have got past this and rebuilt their marriages and are happy.

No quick answers but remember things will change -nothing stays the same when you feel like this so whatever happens you will feel better and be able to move on with life -in the way you choose to. Hang on in there !

Anguished

Thanks all for your replies. I'm on (mild) meds, had CBT, taken up loads of new hobbies/socialising etc and I've come a very long way in the last few months.

Tit for tat also springs to mind, you have met a lovely lady, you know first hand how it ate you up, how excructiatingly painful it was for you to find out about your wife and yet you want to do the same to her?

If anything happens with this woman, then it'll only happen if I leave my wife. I'll do everything I can not to do what my wife did to me.

It wasn't the actual infidelity it was the lying that went along with it. I could have forgiven him the cheating but I had lost all respect for him.....

It's the same for me I think, at least that's how I perceive it.

poorly_scammo

Agree with the above posts and would also like to add that you need to get develop more of an independent life. I don't mean that as a criticism of you (I have been in a similar situation to you.) What I mean is trying to deal with your depression as best you can whilst developing hobbies for example if you feel up to cultivating them; an attitude of, 'I'm going to look after myself now' which will remove some of the pressure and helplessness you feel. I'm not saying you have to cut yourself off from your wife if you don't want to but you are ill. If you had a broken leg you'd give yourself time to recover. Depression is no different im my opinion - your mind isn't working properly at the moment.

If you do that then hopefully you can start making some decisions with a clear head because at the moment, you are understandably all over the place and have a hundred different things whirling around inside it.

Also please be aware of the 'grass is greener' mentality. And please take care of yourself.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Best case scenario;

You walk out.

Claim JSA/ESA.

Get a bedsit paid for with LHA/due to your mental health issues and help from various professionals, you get accepted by the local council for rehousing in a bedsit.


You get your own life.


Worst case;

You keep your resentment and anger bubbling under the surface, keep hating your wife for what happened - and what didn't - start getting your own back by doing exactly the same to her, keep her supporting you, keep checking her phone, her computer, everything she does - and she realises that actually, not only is it clear that you despise her, she doesn't love you anymore, depression or no depression, and she 'leaves' you, enforces the sale of the house and you are left homeless.


Your choice.

londonsurrey

The good thing about meeting this other woman, at least you don't have to be reassured about the "No one else would want me" issue.

What is good is that you're not jumping into cheating. Firstly, you're sorting yourself out first, which will give any subsequent relationships the best chance you can. Secondly, although you've been put through the wringer in terms of trust and emotionally, you are maintaining your integrity, and with that, your self respect, which can only be good thing.

thunderbird

I think it would be expecting a lot of anyone to get over an experience like this in such a short space of time, nevermind someone suffering from depression.

I think you need to accept that it is going to take time and not expect any miracles. Just take small steps towards making things better every day. Being unemployed I am guessing means too much time on your hands to ruminate. Are there any work opportunities in your area - even if temporary or unpaid?

Anguished

Thank you so much everyone! I'm surprised at just how well everyone seems to understand this, maybe a case of me not being able to see the wood for the trees?

I'll make more headway into becoming independent, I'm already volunteering a fair bit and tbh if I got a paying job, then that would probably answer a lot of my issues.

I won't be rushing any decisions, I've already gone 6 months without doing anything drastic and while I don't feel so angry anymore, my head is slowly clearing and I guess this is why I've asked for advice now and not a few months back.