Advice needed - ex-husband being unreasonable about maintenance

Dunroamin

How is he working from home in a one bed flat where his GF is running a business as a childminder?

duchy

I wondered that too

Bluemeanie_2

Dunroamin wrote: »

How is he working from home in a one bed flat where his GF is running a business as a childminder?

That is something that if I was the OP I would not get involved in. Leave them to it.

However I was wondering that though! Surely the local authority inspects you and stuff!

belfastgirl23

OP would your mother consider staying on for another month or so to give you a chance to get sorted?

I think this is really another 'phase' in the breakup. You start out sort of working the way you did when you were married but gradually this tails off. I agree with the others, you need to take the bull by the horns and put in place proper arrangements for the kids. Besides anything else, routine is comforting when there's a lot of change in circumstances.

So I reckon you should just go to your ex and tell him that you're going to make childminding arrangements and you'd like to put things through CSA just to save any arguing and ask him what arrangements he wants to make re contact. I would be putting it all as in the interests of the children, they have had enough upheaval and change in their lives and now need some stability and clarity, so he needs to commit only to what he can deliver on. But it works both ways, he can't then expect contact in between times as and when it suits him. Go to a mediation service to help with this process if it starts getting too argumentative, you do need to try to maintain at least some veneer of civility with him and alas with the former babysitter so try to nip any disagreements in the bud rather than letting them fester.

Good luck!

As a PS I wouldn't be doing anything formally re the childminder but I'd make sure that people knew that she ran off with the father of one of her charges, it's deeply unprofessional and certainly the kind of thing a mum would want to know before she employed someone to look after her kids. Though the business sounds like a pipe dream to me frankly - who is going to want to send their kids to a one bedroom flat?

duchy

Bluemeanie wrote: »

Very well worded. That's why again I say keep it simple. He pays the set % from his take home pay and has fixed days/nights what have to see his kids. No complicated arrangements and seeing it as "childcare" etc.

Then the PWC can keep their nose out of his business, and the NRP can keep his nose out of her business.

If more did that-there would be a lot of happier kids..........and parents...............and new partners !

My ex had a (thankfully) shortlived girlfriend who told him he should demand a breakdown of exactly what I was spending "his money" on and when I refused persuaded him he shouldn't pay child support til I complied. All it meant was I went from private arrangement to CSA and it cost him more in money and the stress of dealing with the CSA who managed to break his direct debit and the money would go out of his account one day and return the next -and then he'd have to pay me in cash -and then deal with the CSA claiming he hadn't paid. After a year and 12 failed payments we went back to a private arrangement.

Bluemeanie_2

duchy wrote: »

If more did that-there would be a lot of happier kids..........and parents...............and new partners !

My ex had a (thankfully) shortlived girlfriend who told him he should demand a breakdown of exactly what I was spending "his money" on and when I refused persuaded him he shouldn't pay child support til I complied. All it meant was I went from private arrangement to CSA and it cost him more in money and the stress of dealing with the CSA who managed to break his direct debit and the money would go out of his account one day and return the next -and then he'd have to pay me in cash -and then deal with the CSA claiming he hadn't paid. After a year and 12 failed payments we went back to a private arrangement.

That is just ridiculous! Once the CM is paid, that is the end of it. To demand a breakdown is just silly, unwanted and asking for trouble. Everyone has different priorities etc in terms of spending money. And if people really did learn to leave each other alone the world would be a nicer place!
We sort of suffer that from a different point of view.
His ex can't accept that he thinks clothes (especially school uniform) is acceptable from TU and Sainsuburys as she chooses to buy them designer gear from Ted Baker etc. He would rather buy middle of road clothes and take them on a yearly holiday and days out. She however would rather spend £60 on 1 pair of jeans.
I would never pay that for a pair of children's jeans but that is her business. I often think that when friends etc buy new cars for example, not my thing but each to their own. Just wish she could see it from that way and not try and make him fund her designer clothes shopping addiction.

He would never dream of interfering with her or how she runs her money/house etc. Or make comments about how she dump them on other people all the while and never takes them anywhere (he just keeps quiet for an easy life and because he chose to have kids with her). I wish she would afford us the same courtesy! Especially where I am concerned, I have my own job and income so what I spend my money on I certainly nothing to do with anyone else, least of all her. Unfortunately she doesn't seem to think that!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

As part of setting up a contract with a childminder, you should have been given details of her liability insurance. Might be worth letting the Insurers know about the change in circumstances, as if, for example, the premium was based upon no other adults/adults that have been CRB checked in the premises, a lower risk area, etc, etc, there might not be insurance cover.

If it's actually the position that he is 'paying' her the extra money to look after your children, there should again be another agreement/contract and she should be paying tax on the money.


I second, third or thirtieth the don't-give-him-a-scrap-of-leverage-over-you position. As well as approaching the CSA NOW.

clearingout

OP - been there, done that. I had a self employed ex who was, according to what he told his solicitor, the courts and CAFCASS, very flexible and could basically look after the children 24/7 and what on earth would they need me for?!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he only messed me about with childcare once. I then took the whole matter into my own hands and dealt with it. Didn't give him the opportunity to complain or moan or even have a say in the childcare I put in place, I simply did it. He shouted an awful lot, made a lot of threats blah, blah, blah, blah (you learn to switch after a while, just hang on in there - there will come a day when you've stood being talked at for 10 minutes and you will just hear 'blah, blah, blah) and that was that. I feel quite sure he spent money consulting his solicitor on the issue but that was it.

It can take a bit of getting used to. I spent far too much time believing in the man I married when he was very long dead and buried and jumping to the tune of the other woman. The other woman who, incidentally, once picked up the phone to me and told me I had to 'be nice' to her before I was allowed to speak to my children (I can assure you I have only ever been curt but polite in my very few dealings with her). They like to bully and they like the power that goes with it so you have to take away every opportunity to mess you about and upset you that you can. It becomes second nature after a while. Or maybe I just stopped caring about who they were, what they did, and worried about my own life.

6 months isn't long at all to have to deal with what is a major life event and which sends normally reasonable and rational people into freefall. It will take some time for all this rubbish to work it's way through but if you hang on in there with it, the rain storm passes and the sun comes out again.

As an after thought, if you are feeling vengeful, I suspect you could make life difficult for them by a quick phone call to Ofstead, saying your childminder has been sleeping with your husband and has moved in with him into a one bed flat - like others have said, it will need inspecting and she may well have to be re-assessed as to how many children she can take at any one time. Her insurance should also have been updated. And you would hope that sleeping with clients is a no-no and would cause some raised eyebrows in the Ofstead camp? Who knows?! You have to live with yourself, however, so think carefully before acting (taking a moral highground stance is often the only way to go in this situations)..... But let's face it, if she's done everything as she should have, she's got nothing to worry about, has she?!

FBaby

Why the assumption that OP would get tax credits (or at least enough to offset the cost of childcare?)

My ex was without a job for many months, didn't pay a penny in maintenance (not even the £5 a week), I had to pay everything but for food when he was with him. I worked full-time and paid morning and afternoon clubs. I did ask him once if he would consider having them some mornings/afternoons but he refused because the school was a 30 minutes walk....

I didn't insist because I didn't trust he would manage to get the kids to school on time or that he wouldn't tell me with no notice that he wouldn't do it any longer, even without a job. They could have enjoyed regular quality time with his children (something he always moaned he wasn't getting....) and it would have been good exercise for them. Instead, i had to pay over £300 a month childcare whilst only entitled to £45 a month tax credits.

nearlyrich

I can only second the poster who advocated not relying on an ex for anything, mine was useless at paying and at collecting the children, we got through it and I became self reliant and successful much to his disgust.