Advice needed - ex-husband being unreasonable about maintenance

ABC_123

This is my first post on this forum, please be gentle. My husband and I split up 6 months ago because he had an affair with our childminder (this fact is relevant to my question). We had 2 kids together , they go to primary school. He is working from home and the agreement was that he will be dropping the kids off, picking them up and looking after them until I come back from work. He was also paying me a reasonable maintenence, although less than what CSA calculator shows. I was keen to keep the arrangement and always said yes whenever he wanted to keep kids overnight. He also had kids on alternative Saturdays for approx 6 hours.
Now this woman moved in with him into his 1 bedroom flat he is renting and he suddenly wants to change our arrangement. He says that him dropping off and picking up the kids is saving me a lot of money in childcare costs and doens't want to pay the maintenance (he is quoting the additional £200 as an amount he is "saving" me). His girlfriend moved in with him and from what my kids are saying, she has set up childminding business from his 1 bedroom flat. He is also demanding that I have to be nice to her as I shall be in contact with her when dropping off/picking up kids. If I refuse, he says he cannot help me with childcare. There is no way I feel I can agree to his suggestion. Can you please help with any views/ suggestions? Is what he is saying seems reasonable?
I don't have any family here so cannot rely on any family member.
All advice gratefully appreciated.

19lottie82

If he isn't playing ball with your informal arrangement, why not just go through CSA?

19lottie82

ABC_123 wrote: »

I have to be nice to her as I shall be in contact with her when dropping off/picking up kids..

Surely you should give this a bash, as it will prove to be easier for everyone in the long run ESPECIALLY your kids.

zzzLazyDaisy

Okay, I am not the best person to advise as this is not my specialist area, but I didn't want to read and run. I am sure someone will be along soon who can give you more detailed advice.

But in the meantime my thoughts are:

1 There is no way to enforce the agreement about having the children before/after school. So you may be better off sorting out your own child-care arrangements. I know there will be a financial cost, but you can go through the CSA for the full amount of maintenance, and you should also get assistance with the cost of child care through child tax credits. I know you don't have any family, but perhaps there are breakfast clubs/after school clubs? Or maybe a mum at the school does after school childminding? The school may be able to put you in touch, or you can ask around

2 Your Ex's new partner must report her change in circumstances and it is highly likely that this will trigger an inspection of the premises and a fresh decision on whether she can continue to be a child-minder, and if so, how many children she will be allowed to care for in a one bedroomed flat.

3 You cannot be forced to be nice to the Ex's new partner (although for the children's sake it is best of the adults can get along with each other). If you do not want to come into contact with her, then you should really try to make other arrangements

4 Personally I would not want to depend on him for my child-care arrangements as this will give him considerable control over you, and he has already shown that he will not hesitate to abuse this power.

I hope this helps, and hopefully someone will be along soon to add to what I have said

Good luck

Dx

thorsoak

Take it to the CSA. You don't have to be "nice" to his GF - just civil. If she is starting up a childminding business from his flat, it is none of your business really - she is the one who has to convince the authorities that it is an appropriate place to run her business. And the fact that your ex has his two children there part of the time will mean that she has to count them in for her child-minding "licence". You were happy that she was a "proper person" to look after them before, so that won't have changed.

Just be firm, but polite - that's all. Tell him not to worry - you'lll let your solicitor/CSA sort out all the bits and pieces ....he may then change his tune!

Seanymph

He will start being a very different being to deal with.

So, you aren't available to do the school run - and nor is he? So why should that fall to you? It doesn't seem fair does it - you are at work, it was his responsibility, and because it suits his new g/f and/or him you get it thrown back at you.

That is the truth, however unpalatable about your situation. You can rail against it (as I did for about 5 years, trying desperately to get him to be reasonable) - or accept the truth of it, and make yourself totally unreliant upon him.

To that end, look for breakfast/afterschool clubs, or get someone to do it for you and pay them - my sister does it for a family every day - takes the kids home, provides tea - my mother in law is looking for a similar job at the moment. There are people out there.

Then take him to the CSA, get the right amount, and make sure you get it paid.

'Trading' him having HIS damned kids for money isn't right - he isn't doing you a favour, he's doing some parenting at a time when he is available and you aren't.

You are in for a battle, I'm sorry to say, my advice would be to take any reliance upon him out of the equation, let him see them whenver he wants, but don't ever make it about money. He can choose to see them, or not - but what he pays in maintenance isn't dependent upon either.

CH27

Remove him from the childcare equation. That way he can't let you down.
Register a claim with the CSA & get your mainteance that way.

Be civil to his new gf if you see her as that will benefit your children.

Strapped

Seanymph wrote: »

He will start being a very different being to deal with.

So, you aren't available to do the school run - and nor is he? So why should that fall to you? It doesn't seem fair does it - you are at work, it was his responsibility, and because it suits his new g/f and/or him you get it thrown back at you.

That is the truth, however unpalatable about your situation. You can rail against it (as I did for about 5 years, trying desperately to get him to be reasonable) - or accept the truth of it, and make yourself totally unreliant upon him.

To that end, look for breakfast/afterschool clubs, or get someone to do it for you and pay them - my sister does it for a family every day - takes the kids home, provides tea - my mother in law is looking for a similar job at the moment. There are people out there.

Then take him to the CSA, get the right amount, and make sure you get it paid.

'Trading' him having HIS damned kids for money isn't right - he isn't doing you a favour, he's doing some parenting at a time when he is available and you aren't.

You are in for a battle, I'm sorry to say, my advice would be to take any reliance upon him out of the equation, let him see them whenver he wants, but don't ever make it about money. He can choose to see them, or not - but what he pays in maintenance isn't dependent upon either.

If he pays maintenance through the CSA then the OP is the PWC (parent with care) so actually, it is her responsibility. I'm sure I'll get shot down in flames for saying that, as it's very unpalatable.

I agree with CH27.

daska

Any chance he's claiming tax credits and 'paying' her to look after your kids? Cynical old me would be asking in all the right places whether she is registered as a childminder at his address

I agree with zzzLazyDaisy and Seanymph, you need to make yourself totally self-reliant. That way he can't let you down or bully you.

daska

Strapped wrote: »

If he pays maintenance through the CSA then the OP is the PWC (parent with care) so actually, it is her responsibility. I'm sure I'll get shot down in flames for saying that, as it's very unpalatable.

Whilst that's true it's also morally reprehensible for the absent parent to charge for looking after his kids - which is in essence what he is doing.

Strapped

daska wrote: »

Whilst that's true it's also morally reprehensible for the absent parent to charge for looking after his kids - which is in essence what he is doing.

Ha ha, you do know that the CSA calculation (on CSA1) includes an amount for the PWC equivalent to Carers Allowance, right?