Real life MMD: My hubby earns more. Should he pay more of joint bills?

N.I.M

I read the OP and was all ready to get all "richer and poorer" "its a partnership" "how can you function with separate money" etc etc but theres been some good points made. My wife and I have had joint finances from day one and we spend what little excess we have however we wish really. She does earn more than me and does spend more, but the spending is purely down to the fact that I have more than enough "stuff" to last me into my 40s rather than a propotion of what we earn.

But if that system doesnt work for you then thats fine. I do think you've made your bed now lie in it but if you are really upset about the "fairness" of him earning more than you and not paying more than you look at it from the other side. How fair is it that he earned his pay rises to the level they are at and you want to penalise him for it? End of the day you need to find what works for you but you can't guilt him into it.

Any

Seriously? This thread is ridiculous, but not for the question asked but for the amount of nasty judgemental people casting their judgement and acting like they are gods, their word is the only one that counts and the way they do something is the ONLY way forward!!
Some people even registered just to tell us this is how it MUST be!!

This is firstly forum and people come here with questions, just to have someone to tell them their experiences and opinions (this is what it is, so arrrgh faces or rolling laughing faces in situation like this are completely rude) so they can get different perspective and see whether perhaps there is other ways of doing things.

OP - my OH has previous life "baggage" (just a phrase, my DSS is cool:-)), a child, a debt and experience where women ripped him right off. He also was not brought up to budget per se, he goes until the account is empty. He earns a lot so he can go far tbh:-) He also has very high pressure job and to be fair is not exactly interested in counting pennies, budgeting etc.. he does it once in a while, but he is not like me who hates the idea of ever running low and I deffer purchases a lot, juggle credit card I keep for collecting points and keep balancing it to my account balance to make sure I don't overspend. This is what interests me.

Because I am not in the slightest interested in constantly watching the joint money dissapear when he has nice lunch out with friends, buys new books, pays expenses credit card and then gets money back from company for it etc we have joint a/c where we pay % of income vs amount of bills which I control and then have separate accounts. I know exactly where I am and when, what I can buy and can't, I don't have to explain myself, I don't run out into moment where I need fuel lets say but my OH just travel up and down the country 3x in a week and so there is no fuel money left.

That does not mean that we are flatmates at all. It's just much easier to manage.

LACEY174

Hmmm seems there are to ways to look at this.

I've been with my now wife for 10 years, whe we started living together we got a joint account, looked at our bills, split the cost and agreed to put in that amount of money into joint account, whilst saving some in rainy day fund.

She earned more than me at the time, then i earned more, now she does. We still pay the same, 50-50, then whats left we can spend on whatever we want.

So when i want to go out for meal i take her, when she wants to buy new clothes she can but only if se can afford it.

I'm guessing the point is, if he offers to pay more then fine, but will you be taking him for meals or just spending extra money on you?

I mean if he is working harder, why shouldnt he get the benefits? If he wants to pay more to let you have more money then i'm sure he'll offer.

What if he is saving the extra for a new house/holiday/baby fund as a surprise?

stampychan

I'm really surprised at the number of people who are saying that the person who earns more should pay more of the bills.

My ex-partner and I lived together for a fair while, and we budgeted our rent/bills based on what the lowest earning could pay. i.e. if lowest earner can only afford £500 per month, we'd rent somewhere that cost £1000 per month. That way no one's paying more than they can afford, but we maintain an equal financial relationship.

If one person earns more, they may well be working more, or have put more time into getting a job that offers more money, or be compromising their happiness (e.g. I earn far more in my current job than if I were a freelance writer - I'm less happy but I can afford more stuff).

As far as I'm concerned the money you earn is your money, and there is no reason why you should be made to pay more because your partner earns less.

Having said that, if you have come to a previous arrangement whereby you are agreeing to support your partner in something (them working part-time, staying at home, etc) then there's nothing wrong with contributing - but it's a nice thing to do, not something to be expected.

Value your independence - you've worked for it, it's yours.

G_M

When I moved in with my husband two years ago, we agreed

Well that's where you went wrong. What on earth led you to move in? Marriage is one thing, but living together is a whole different ball-game.

itsallmimimi

When my partner and I decided to live together over 20 years ago, we were on very low incomes (he was a student and I was a researcher earning a pittance). We had seen how finances had affected relationships of people we knew, so decided to have an agreement from the day we moved in together.

Like many previous postings, we set up a joint account, and into that each month we put an amount to cover all bills and rent etc. We looked at each others income and each put in an amount in proportion to what we earned. As I was the one with the higher earnings, I put in more which I thought was fair as it allowed us both to have our own spending money and still retain a bit of our own financial independence with our own individual bank accounts too. That way it meant that if I wanted to buy him something, then he wouldn't know how much it cost, and he wouldn't be buying part of it either.

Now, the roles have reversed and he is the main earner. We still stick to this principle and agree that although he is adding more money to the account to pay our mortgage, we both own the house 50/50. I tend to do all the decorating and run the house on a daily basis anyway, so I don't feel there's any financial inequality issue there!

We haven't had a single argument about finances in all the time we've been together, and I know that if he should lose his job then I'd happily pay all of the bills if he's not got any income or benefits, so he doesn't feel like he's had a double-whammy and he can at least have a few pleasures in life.

I feel that this is a true partnership. It's not the amount you pay, it's the commitment to ensuring that we both have a good quality of life.

MistyG

The hubby and I do same as Gloriouslyhappy and Jax1305 and I can't understand why more people don't do it. Our salaries get paid into a joint account which pays all bills, mortgage, groceries, savings, holidays, etc. We have pocket money each month from the joint account and that is ours to do as we wish. I earn more than my husband but surely that is irrelevant if you're married and we both have the same amount of pocket money. It is so easy, avoids all arguments and I never have to hide new shoes from my husband

Fujiko

Reading through these comments I can only reiterate what so many have said - how a couple manage their finances is an entirely personal matter and what works for one won't work for another so no-one should be criticised for how they arrange things. Personally, I am glad that when I got married over 50 years ago life was much simpler. From the start although I was earning slightly more everything -mortgage, gas, electricity etc - was in my husband's name so he paid all the bills and we lived on his salary alone in anticipation of the day when I would give up work to start a family. My contribution was to buy items for the home. In those days women were not expected to go back to work while their children were small, and in fact I never did although obviously this did entail considerable financial sacrifices, more than compensated by the time I was able to spend with or daughter and the chance to pursue other interests. Because of the way money was handled I have never seen the need for a joint accoun, it is only in the past year, because of my husband's increasing incapacity, that we have had a joint account for paying bills, but I still have my personal account.
By the way, when we got married the marriage service had the man vowing to "endow" his wife with all his worldly goods, not "share" them!! Ah, the good old days!

Traveller1981

itsallmimimi wrote: »

When my partner and I decided to live together over 20 years ago, we were on very low incomes (he was a student and I was a researcher earning a pittance). We had seen how finances had affected relationships of people we knew, so decided to have an agreement from the day we moved in together.

Like many previous postings, we set up a joint account, and into that each month we put an amount to cover all bills and rent etc. We looked at each others income and each put in an amount in proportion to what we earned. As I was the one with the higher earnings, I put in more which I thought was fair as it allowed us both to have our own spending money and still retain a bit of our own financial independence with our own individual bank accounts too. That way it meant that if I wanted to buy him something, then he wouldn't know how much it cost, and he wouldn't be buying part of it either.

Now, the roles have reversed and he is the main earner. We still stick to this principle and agree that although he is adding more money to the account to pay our mortgage, we both own the house 50/50. I tend to do all the decorating and run the house on a daily basis anyway, so I don't feel there's any financial inequality issue there!

We haven't had a single argument about finances in all the time we've been together, and I know that if he should lose his job then I'd happily pay all of the bills if he's not got any income or benefits, so he doesn't feel like he's had a double-whammy and he can at least have a few pleasures in life.

I feel that this is a true partnership. It's not the amount you pay, it's the commitment to ensuring that we both have a good quality of life.

Well said!

Traveller1981

MistyG wrote: »

The hubby and I do same as Gloriouslyhappy and Jax1305 and I can't understand why more people don't do it. Our salaries get paid into a joint account which pays all bills, mortgage, groceries, savings, holidays, etc. We have pocket money each month from the joint account and that is ours to do as we wish. I earn more than my husband but surely that is irrelevant if you're married and we both have the same amount of pocket money. It is so easy, avoids all arguments and I never have to hide new shoes from my husband

Surely it just avoids arguments in your household, it won't in all.

Why is earning more irrelevant if you are married. Just because you are married, doesn't mean you become one person. I like my independence, as does my partner.
And also just because we aren't currently married, doesn't mean that we aren't as committed to each other as if we had that piece of paper to tell us we are "committed". (we are due to get married, so I'm not saying that because I am against marriage) So why would our personal finances have to be completely joined?