Real life MMD: My hubby earns more. Should he pay more of joint bills?

chloeb86

All the people saying that you have to put all your money into one joint account because you're a partnership etc, it's just your personal view and what works best in your marriage. You can't tell someone they're wrong to handle their money another way and I think it's quite rude to do so. Yes, of course it should be a partnership, but surely the both of you aren't going to have the same spending habits? If one of you wants to go out shopping on pay day or wants to buy an expensive item, meaning there won't be much money left for the rest of the month, is it fair that the other is left with hardly any disposable income? For me (and I know people who do this) it would cause arguments/bickering, because you'd need to ask anytime you wanted to buy something. I'm not talking about food shopping or buying lunch, but bigger items. I'd feel like I was keeping tabs on my husband if he went on a night out/weekend away, in case he spent too much and left me with very little. I feel the fairest way for me is what some others on here mentioned: To pay a percentage of the bills and food shopping money into a joint account, depending on who earns more, so that you are each left with an equal amount of disposable income in your individual accounts. That way you are free to spend your money as you wish, without worrying who has spent more. For me having all money in a joint account would only work if myself and my husband did everything together and never went out separately with friends etc, or rarely 'treated' ourselves. Yes you are a partnership, but you are also an individual with individual needs and should have some independence with your money. I'm interested to know what happens when it comes to birthdays and Christmases for all those with joint money. Do you feel like you have bought your own presents? How does it work? I'm not being sarcastic either, I'm interested.

r_holmes22

In common with many other posters, my wife and I earn very different amounts (for a variety of reasons) but we only have a joint account through which all bills and discretionary spending are paid. It works for us. We have online banking for the current account, savings, and two credit cards. Both of us can see at any given time where the money is going. I would not be comfortable with having a pot of money defined as 'mine' and a separate pot defined as 'hers' because there are unexpected costs each month such as car repairs, health care expenses, broken possessions etc. However, this arrangement works because my wife and I are both reasonably finacially savvy and we trust each other to spend fairly and sensibly. I can, on the other hand, see why one half of a couple would want to ensure a degree of protection (a safety net) against a partner's potential profligacy. By that I don't mean protecting themselves, I mean protecting the home and marriage etc.

There have been some interesting points raised in this thread and I, too, am a little angry at those who arrogantly assume that their way is the best and there can surely be no alternative. Of course all marriages are a partnership, but it is up to each couple to come to an agreement as to how the joint income is distributed, taking into account the different personalities involved.

Joto_2

tescobabe69 wrote: »

OP are you sure you're married ?
My wife has never paid a household bill in her life, she wouldnt know how.

This meant me laugh out loud, are we married?

koloko

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stampychan

elvis86 wrote: »

If one person has barely any money due to a 50/50 bills split and the other is left with loads, what does the wealthy one spend it on? Do they swan around in designer gear whilst their OH raids the charity shops? Do they go for dinner and on holiday alone because their OH can't afford to?

If my OH begrudged me "benefitting me from his income" in the way you describe, and was happy to see me with very little money each month after a 50/50 split on bills that left him with loads of disposable income, then I'd question whether the relationship was right for me. To me that is anything but an "equal financial relationship". It's a "relationship" where one person sits comfortably and looks on as the other struggles. Not a relationship I'd want to be in. Perhaps that's why your ex is your ex?:(

I think you make a fair number of assumptions - firstly, just to clarify, it was me who earned more than my ex. He (despite having got a better degree and generally having much more earning potential than me) had chosen a very poorly paid job that he really loved. Although I'd have been happy to support him if he'd lost that job, at the time he was content to earn little money and work shorter hours/have less work stress than me.

Secondly, just because one person earns more, that doesn't mean they 'swan around' doing loads of expensive stuff while the partner looks on and is sad. My personal choice was to live a more frugal lifestyle than I would have otherwise so that we could live together and yet still be equal.

I'm not saying everyone should do this, but it worked for us because I valued my independence (especially my financial independence) more than I wanted to pay for stuff for him. This is possibly partly because when my parents got divorced my Mum had no financial independence of her own, and consequently we were extremely poor for a very long time. Planning for the future (i.e. saving my money) means that I feel more secure in a relationship. It works for me.

I see all your points about love - in some circumstances people *want* to do all this for their partner, which is great for them. But I don't - no matter how much I love my partner, I will always value my financial independence.

elvis86 wrote: »

If 2 people decide to have a family, and one of them stays at home to take care of the children, I'd say they have every right to expect the other person to share everything with them.

Couldn't agree more - this is a completely different situation. I think children are essentially a joint (can't think of a better word here - sorry) 'investment'/'purchase' for which you need to make shared and decent provision.

But in a relationship without children, I don't see why I should be made to take on the financial responsibilities of my partner just because he has made different career choices. If he's out of work because of illness/recession etc then of course I'd support him if I loved him. But why should one person in a relationship toil away at a job they hate for loads of money just so that the other can do something they really like for a lower wage?

r_holmes22

chloeblinman wrote: »

I'm interested to know what happens when it comes to birthdays and Christmases for all those with joint money. Do you feel like you have bought your own presents? How does it work? I'm not being sarcastic either, I'm interested.

As far as I'm concerned, whether we have a joint account or individual accounts, any money spent on gifts still comes out of our joint family income. Just because the money for a gift came out of an account labelled "my wife's money" rather than "our money" would make no difference, the gift was still purchased out of the x number of pounds that is available between us after bills and other household expenditure is accounted for. Some of the money in the account was put there by me, some of it was put there by my wife. When a gift is purchased out of the joint account, I could still regard it as coming out of the portion of the money that my wife put in there if that makes me feel better. I don't feel this necessary, however. The gift still means the same to me regardless of the label on the account the payment was drawn from.

alittlemadam

Both me and my husband split everything 50/50 holidays, bills, christmas/birthday presents, he pays for his car and I pay for mine as we didnt think it right payng for each others. What ever money we have left each month is then ours to spend on what we wish.

Incidentialy I earn more than him but this is the deal that we made and had it put on paper so in the event of unforeseen circumstances he gets half of everything.

perhaps this is a discussion you should have with your husband you never know he might may a little more.

milvusvestal

Excuse me, but you seem to have a rather strange marriage.

Spouses are supposed to share everything, whether it's income or expenditure, and that means having a joint account into which all salaries and wages go, and from which all payments are made. Living as you have done, agreeing who pays what, is no marriage borne of love and respect for each other. On the contrary, it seems to be more a marriage of convenience, and a mercenary one at that.

This is something you must tackle head-on, before it gets out of hand. I hope it never comes to this, but think in terms of what you would expect to receive if you divorced?

morg_monster

koloko wrote: »

A bit of devils advocate from past experience:

I'm 25 single, no kids, no debts and earn £45,000 a year. I spend £25,000 a year flying around the world playing poker tournaments.

I meet a girl and by the time I'm 30 we're married. I earn £45k a year. She earns £10k a year.

Do I now have to stop my jet setting life-style just to provide my wife with an equivalent salary to mine?

Well my response to that would be, obviously you would have talked about this issue before you got married, and if she was happy to live/scrape by in the UK on 10k a year while you jetset around on your own, then that's fine. But that seems unlikely, so probably you either would not have got married in the end, or would have to compromise in some way. Generally when people get married they like to spend time together, so you might want to bring her along on your trips and have fewer of them. Or, you could use some of your money to buy a nicer place for the two of you, so at least when you are jetsetting she can stay on her own in comfort rather than sitting in a tiny bedsit eating value beans.
I dont think it's about having equivalent salaries but rather seeing your other half living in a way you are personally happy with. Personally I wouldn't feel right going on all these nice holidays while the love of my life was struggling to pay the bills, alone at home, but each to their own!! It's all about talking to each other!!

fattybumble85

yomehannibal wrote: »

R U Married or not? Surprise, surprise, When you get married you are no longer individuals, you are a unit, that means one. Everything is communal, ours. Gottit?

jeebus, what a depressing take on marriage. I didn't realise you travelled back to the Victorian era as soon as you signed the marriage certificate.
I think I'll stay in my long term happy relationship and yet retain my independence and individuality! We share everything, bills, food shopping etc but I worked to earn my wages, in my bank account they stay. The same for my OH, even though he is on approx £7k more than me.