Real life MMD: My hubby earns more. Should he pay more of joint bills?

Traveller1981

taffypot wrote: »

When we first moved in together my then partner we paid half each but I really struggled since I earnt less, we then changed it to 33% 66%. After relationship was established joint account where everything goes into so so now all the money is mine . I cannt understand where married or stable relationships pay certain bills or a % each much better have 1 pot and then perhaps a set amount going to a personal account for each to do as with you please

In the same way that I don't understand why everyone insists on having just one account instead of having a joint to cover just the joint bills, then you are left with whatever is leftover in your personal account to spend on as you want.
It is just what suits your individual circumstances.

Cuidadosa

Well, life happens and probably one day we will change the arrangements. Children may/will change the scene completely (hey, after all, I won't be able to go and visit my family so often then).

But the question is: meanwhile, when we are reaching that stage of our relationship (and I see that neither the OP nor me are the only ones who have changed arrangements through time)... How do we move into this one? How do you bring it up without feeling like ...? (I'm not sure how I feel just thinking about it - I guess DEEPLY uncomfortable)

Cuidadosa

Traveller1981 wrote: »

Rather than pay a percentage, why don't you propose that he just pays a bit extra and you a bit less for him to cover the expensive things that he likes to buy (like the better broadband package) and explain to him that you don't have the spare money to fund those things and try to save for your future. He sounds like he isn't that bothered about money, so probably won't mind chipping in a bit more.

You are right, he probably wouldn't mind at all

Traveller1981

sng165 wrote: »

We are one of the apparent minority who still operates under a joint account.
I know this from the comments already posted, but I've also realised this from younger (& older) colleagues & friends who apparently operate seperate bank accounts.
I realise there is a lot of discontent amongst people who no longer discuss finances, and consequently there is mistrust between couples who resent their partners spending habits, which has led to these seperate finances.
Personally I "balance the books" in this partnership and pay the bills - but I always ensure my husband knows the exact amount we have each week/month whether he wants to know or not - I know he trusts me, & he says he is happy as long as no red bills nor bailiffs are arriving.
Personally - what works for us is a joint account into which both wages are paid - all bills are duly paid first, then monies for groceries etc comes out next, then transfer for holidays, then a communal weekly cash amount is withdrawn for joint socialising into which we both "dip" as much as we need to. If! anything is left over - that goes to savings.
We each have a credit card which is paid from the joint account - these are used for petrol, presents, etc throughout the month - but cleared in full - along with the monthly bills.
If there are any major purchases (Car/Furniture) to be made they are discussed beforehand.
Dont be fooled - we have gone through our ups & downs, WE have got ourselves in debt - but by working it out together, we have worked OUR way out of it.
We have gone through peaks & troughs in income - I earned more initially, then (with overtime) my husband was main earner, then it was around same, then I lost my job & found another albeit lower paid, then he was out of work for 12 months & moved into part time which grew to full time; currently we both earn substantially less than we did several years ago - so we have BOTH had to adapt accordingly to help each other through each crisis.
ps: we have been married 30 years.

Very well said. Like I and many others have mentioned, it is what works best for you. You get on best that way, and that is great. Me and my partner get on best with separate accounts.
I just don't like all the judgemental people on here who think the only way a couple should operate is with all income going into one account. Each to their own.

Feline123

Surely, in marriage, all finances are joint?

If you have to ask this question I wonder why you are married at all.

alcarm77

I'm a bit surprised that so many money poolers are framing this as an issue of love. A lot of people seem to be suggesting that if you don't share all your money, you don't really love each other. I think this is a bit unrealistic. A lot of people have different spending and saving habits, and getting married doesn't mean that you automatically love everything your spouse does. My husband and I have a joint account from which all our bills are paid, and where we also save money for major purchases e.g. household goods, car. However, we both still have individual accounts with day-to-day spending money and I recommend this for people who have different spending habits. I give myself around £20 per week to spend and my husband gives himself £80. If we shared all our money and insisted on equal amounts, I'd be trying to limit his spend because I can get by on less. As it is, we can both spend what we feel we need and don't have to explain our purchases to each other, which I am sure avoids a lot of arguments about wasting money, as we both buy things which the other doesn't value. In terms of the proportion we pay into the joint account, my husband pays in an extra £150 per month as he earns more through doing overtime. As I don't get paid overtime but do get time off in lieu, I contribute extra housework instead of cash. I think it's reasonable to ask the higher earner to contribute proportionally more if they're earning significantly more. You could always make the case that as it's important for you to start saving, if he wants to keep to 50/50 payments then your overall outgoings need to be reduced. On the other hand if he would prefer to keep living in the current style, he needs to contribute more to make that possible for you.

Traveller1981

Feline123 wrote: »

Surely, in marriage, all finances are joint?

If you have to ask this question I wonder why you are married at all.

Again. Very. Narrow. Minded.

That is a ludicrous thing to say. How can you question their marriage just because they don't have a joint account.

purpleweasel

mindwave wrote: »

All I have to say to this is use your common sense.

Yes! Qualified as JOINT common sense - talk to each other and find something that works for you!

I think i would echo so many other posters when i say that what works for one couple isn't always the same as what's right for another. Also, times & circumstances change so what was right at first might not be right in five years' time. The important thing is that you both feel happy with the arrangement (and that you manage to cover the essentials obviously!)

elvis86

stampychan wrote: »

I think you make a fair number of assumptions - firstly, just to clarify, it was me who earned more than my ex. He (despite having got a better degree and generally having much more earning potential than me) had chosen a very poorly paid job that he really loved. Although I'd have been happy to support him if he'd lost that job, at the time he was content to earn little money and work shorter hours/have less work stress than me.

As you said yourself, this is irrelevant. It doesn't matter who earns more in terms of gender (OH and I are gay so it really doesn't apply to us!).

stampychan wrote: »

Secondly, just because one person earns more, that doesn't mean they 'swan around' doing loads of expensive stuff while the partner looks on and is sad. My personal choice was to live a more frugal lifestyle than I would have otherwise so that we could live together and yet still be equal.

I was making the point that it's strange for one person in a relationship to be holding on so tightly to their money. What are you planning to do with it?

I just think it's an odd approach to take; "Well dear, we have a combined income of £70k, but you only earns £7k of it, so we're going to live a lifestyle that two people earning £7k can afford, and I'm going to keep the rest of my money for myself - why should I share it with you?".

stampychan wrote: »

I'm not saying everyone should do this, but it worked for us because I valued my independence (especially my financial independence) more than I wanted to pay for stuff for him. This is possibly partly because when my parents got divorced my Mum had no financial independence of her own, and consequently we were extremely poor for a very long time. Planning for the future (i.e. saving my money) means that I feel more secure in a relationship. It works for me.

I'm not questioning you saving for the future, it's your attitude towards you relationship and money that I find odd. Rather than being a case of "OH and I have a combined income of £70k but live very frugally in order to save for our future", your approach seems to be more "OH and I have a combined income of £70k, but OH only earns £7k, and I don't see why I should share any of my money with him, so I match his £7k and keep the rest for myself".

stampychan wrote: »

I see all your points about love - in some circumstances people *want* to do all this for their partner, which is great for them. But I don't - no matter how much I love my partner, I will always value my financial independence.

I think you're confusing independence with selfishness, TBH. Possibly there are reasons for your attitude harking back to your childhood, but it still sounds quite...mean.:(

stampychan wrote: »

But why should one person in a relationship toil away at a job they hate for loads of money just so that the other can do something they really like for a lower wage?

And that's an assumption all of your own.;) If one person is slaving away in a job they hate just to keep a roof over their heads, whilst their OH wastes time running a cupcake business making £50 a month, there are a completely different set of issues in their relationship that need addressing. But in most cases where there's a difference in earnings, that won't be the case.

BNT

First, if you have agreed with your husband to an arrangement where you still consider your earnings and your husband's earnings to be separate and to split the bills accordingly, then you should be having the discussion with your husband. To enter into such an agreement suggests that your relationship can withstand a discussion about money (not all can).

I realize that all couples are different, but I find alien the concept of each partner having his or her own liabilities and own disposable income. Whose credit card or banks account is used isn't going to make any difference to what we buy or what it costs.

I earn most of the money in our household and I earn it on behalf of the family, not for me to spend on myself. What I earn pays our bills. What I earn is our disposable income. I don't care who spends it, whether it is my wife, children or me. If I am going to be a resonsible husband and father, I don't have the right to spend money how I please just because I am the one who earned it. Similarly, if my wife blew a lot on a silly purchase, we'd have a discussion about why it was a wate of money, but who earned it in the first place wouldn't enter into the discussion at all.

For us it is healthier to think of our earnings as ours, not mine and hers, just as the mortgage and bills are ours, not mine and hers. However, it is clear from the comments that doesn't work for everyone. You are right to seek advice, but the best person to talk to is your husband.