Husbands Ex making him look bad to the kids

cord123

duchy wrote: »

Not really -not if it's at the expense of his kids -when you could change the date of his party . He's an adult-he's not going to sit and cry if he celebrates on a different day-right ? It's a very immature 30 year old who would insist he HAD to get !!!!ed with his mates on his birthday if it was going to negatively impact on his own children.

When you're a parent it isn't about what an adult is entitled to -it's about what is best for your children (I assume you don't have any of your own or you'd know)

That is all well and good but we had pre arranged this and she was fine with it! We have told everyone else no children (as my OH neices and nephews are badly behaved).

I am not being funny but the issue isnt my husband having a 30th party, or her going on holiday. It is that she has told the children that they are coming to us for a week when we have not been told!!

I didnt come on here to explain why we wanted a childfree party!

Hanging_by_a_thread

cord123 wrote: »

she said no, she had no holiday booked.

When your husband spoke to his daughter, and she asked if he was going to let her down, why didn't he say "I checked with your mum and she told me she had no holiday booked". He could have emphasised that her mum knows full well it is not possible for him to look after them then, due to work commitments. That this had all been discussed and agreed between her mum and him weeks ago.

None of that would have been bad mouthing the mum. It would just have been an honest account of what has gone on. It would also have shown the mum up for the game player she is. It is the mum who is messing with the kids emotions and will be letting them down, not you or your husband.

If she wants to play silly bu!gers, let her. Kids aren't so blinkered that they wont see through her daft games. Sour exs can be the bain of your life if you let them be.

dizziblonde

cord123 wrote: »

I didnt come on here to explain why we wanted a childfree party!

Yep but the usual "mummys can do no wrong" crew will choose to ignore everything that you've posted and carry on banging away at this until it becomes soley about that and any useful discussion is totally sidetracked.

January20

heretolearn wrote: »

He isn't hurting the kids by not having them there. Anyone would think parents are no longer allowed to have an adult party? There's nothing wrong with it.

The mum is the one hurting the kids by booking a holiday without arranging childcare. Now that is irresponsible.

Oh thank goodness for this heretolearn! I thought I was the only one who thought that parents were still people and didn't have to spend every minute of their day thinking about and only about their children!!!!

Of course he is allowed to have a party for his 30th birthday without his children there! He is not going to harm them because he wants a party with his mates! What is wrong with some people? Do they stop living their life because they have children? No wonder some kids are so self-centre and so unaware of the needs of others, even when they become teenagers, when their parents have treated them like little kings with their whole world revolving around them!

And to some extent, I think the mum is allowed to go on holidays without the children. After all she has a new partner with who she may need some time alone. Who knows? However, she should make sure that the father or her own mother can have them. The mixed messages to the kids can be quite damaging but then the OP did say the mother was quite disorganised so could it just be a mistake over dates?

Any

No January, it is not just you and HTL, the idea that once you are parent you cannot have your own adult time too is also incomprehensible to me..
I am sure the dad will also celebrate with them, have cake etc but just beecause he has kids doesn't mean he cannot have a part! It was pre arranged and sorted!!
Don't know what to suggest OP, sorry. Tough situation, from my experience quite common in divorced families, but in time kids will see through it!! Communication with kids is the key!

spendingmad

Maybe this is too simplistic but could the girls not just go to a holiday club near you for the days you/oh are in work?

Call the Ex's bluff tell her you will have them but holidayclub costs x amount so she will owe you half and you wont be giving her maintenance that week!

I seem to remember your OH works shifts but I am unsure of your workng pattern?

I understand your anger with the party arrangement though!

zagfles

Friend of mine used to have similar problems, with a vindictive ex who would always try to use their daughter to disrupt his life as much as possible. But he got wise and started to use it to his advantage - and his daughter would sometimes get in on the act too!

One time a friend of his was getting married and had arranged a stag weekend the weekend before the wedding. Both he and his daughter had been invited to the wedding (the couple didn't know the mother so she wasn't invited). His daughter really wanted to go to the wedding, and he wanted to go to the stag weekend, but the contact weekends were all wrong, he was due to to have her on the stag weekend but not the wedding weekend.

Asking the mother nicely to swap contact weekends would be a non-starter, she'd take great delight in coming up with some feeble excuse as to why it wasn't possible. So the daughter persuaded her best friend to have a sleepover on the stag weekend, and suggested to her mother that she goes to her dad's the next weekend instead. She didn't mention the wedding.

Her mother was ok with the sleepover but said she'd have to ask her dad first as it was his weekend, but there's no way he was having another weekend instead, why should sleepovers only happen on "her" weekend etc, and it would be really "selfish" for him not to let her go etc.

So she told her dad that evening, his problem was partly solved, he could go to the stag do if just the Saturday night, but she really wanted to go to the wedding. So her dad told her "tell your mum I'm taking girlfriend away for the following (wedding) weekend so I couldn't have had you round anyway".

This of course completely changed the mother's tune, she was on the phone to him saying how they should swap the weekends and how he was always complaining about how he doesn't see her enough and how she was being really generous in allowing him to have her a whole weekend without the sleepover in the middle...but the swap couldn't possibly be with the weekend before because of some (fake) arrangement, it had to be the weekend after!

He pretended not to be keen at all and said he'd have to ask his girlfriend because they'd arranged to go away...he'd get back to her. Which he did of course, pretending to be in the dog-house because he'd postponed their romantic weekend away!

Everyone was a winner, father got to go the whole stag weekend, daughter got to go to the wedding, and mother thought she'd got one over her ex by spoiling his romantic weekend away with his new girlfriend :rotfl:

They did this sort of thing all the time. If you have a vindictive ex, particularly one who isn't too bright, use it to your advantage:D

DVardysShadow

grey_lady wrote: »

Really sounds to me like neither mum nor dad want the kids around that week - each for their own reasons, one wants to go on holiday and the other wants to party. When you have kids you put them first, if mum wants to go on holiday then why isnt dad delighted to have his kids around for longer than usual? and accomdating them in his birthday plans pretty mean of the OP to have started this really IMHO.

If there were no separation, then Dad and ex would have the kids between them for his 30th - and no ex to dump them on. So really, this is not one to get upset about.

sharrison778

dizziblonde wrote: »

Yep but the usual "mummys can do no wrong" crew will choose to ignore everything that you've posted and carry on banging away at this until it becomes soley about that and any useful discussion is totally sidetracked.

So true. I've found there is a distinct group who seem to think that the world should revolve around children and adults are not allowed to have any life aside from as a parent.

I sympathise with the OP. Its blo*dy hard to be the new woman in a mans life. (I mean new in the sense of being the current partner) Dealing with an ex wife and kids is not easy. Particularly an ex wife who seems to enjoy stuffing around his plans.

And the guy is turning 30 - he's young!! What on earth is wrong with wanting to have a adults party with his friends? I'm sure he will celebrate with the kids as well.

Big_Alf

dizziblonde wrote: »

Yep but the usual "mummys can do no wrong" crew will choose to ignore everything that you've posted and carry on banging away at this until it becomes soley about that and any useful discussion is totally sidetracked.

In all honesty I find that 'crew' no more ridiculous than the 'bitter with my ex's baggage' sympathisers.

It seems that not everyone is blindly supporting the OP and from her posts and I can understand why.