Help for my friend who's having a tough time - Marriage related

suki1001

Hello,

For a couple of years, my friend has been having a very tough time with her marriage. They are going for counselling in a couple of weeks. I've read the domestic violence bits and I think this is what she's going through. He's become very controlling towards her, particularly money. She isn't named on the mortgage and his latest threat is if the marriage breaks up she won't be entitled to anything. As the house isn't in her name, she'll have nothing. He told her he'd got legal advice.

He is fine with her one minute, the next he is very secretive. She is aware he is controlling her. He complains about what she spends (not a lot), yet will spend money on expensive things. She has been a stay at home mum since she had their children.

They are also Christian and he seemingly quotes the bible at her as a way to tell her what a bad wife she is. They went to a minister to discuss their marriage and she said he had prepared a "dossier" of evidence to what she was doing wrong, including quotes from her diary.

I have tried to help her. I actually personally think he is just very unhappy and is using control as a very bad way to deal with how he feels. She doesn't want out, she wants it to work, but he's making it very difficult for her to deal with. I think most of his threats are empty, he just wants to make her feel bad. I think he has low self esteeme and is atempting to try to make her walk away, so he can live out his fears.

Her main fear is the threats of leaving her with nothing. I don't actually know if this is the case, but I didn't think it was. They have been married for about 8 years, he has been married before. She doesn't know why the first marriage broke down, but suspects the same thing happened.

I am going to suggest she gets advice from refuge, he obviously has some issues that he fails to see.

There is all sorts that has gone on. She is quite a strong person, and can "rise above it", but I am worried about how much she can take from him, because it seems to be relentless.

Just as a side note, this is definately not me, it is a really good friend who I want to help and just wanted to arm her with some advice and resources she can use to help her. Any advice/help would be gratefully recieved. Thanks for reading.

doodoot

What a caring Christian he sounds. :mad:

You say that she wants to stay and make it work...blimey, he really has worn her down huh?

The guy sounds like a total nob.

I can't give you any legal advice but I would say that you suggest to her to go and see a family law solicitor - perhaps you could go with her for support and to make notes?

(In my experience, it can get confusing trying to remember everything that is advised when one is upset.)

mountainofdebt

Well if she can find out for sure, without it costing (so he wouldn't know) why doesn't she find out what the true position is by seeking legal advice of her own?

That way he's a little less controlling - though I wouldn't let him know what I was doing if I was her

Northern_Princess

Women's Aid will be able to help her with advice they have a free legal advice line.

Mojisola

As they have been married for eight years, she will not walk away with nothing. As she has been the main carer of the children, there is a high chance of her being able to stay in the family home with the children until the youngest is 18 and he will have to pay child maintenance. She will also be entitled to some benefits, depending on the age of the children.

She may prefer to get out and rent somewhere away from this man.

He's a liar as well as a nasty control freak.

Emmzi

name calling, fault picking, and emotional abuse, is still abuse
financial abuse, is still abuse
abuse in the name of god, is still abuse

She doesn't need a black eye before she calls women's aid for help.

victory

He is a christian? :eek:

Toothfairy4

Wow... he sounds a horrible horrible man. Obviously you cannot force her to do anything but if it was my friend who had told me all this i would be seriously trying to help her see how much more than this she deserves. The 'dossier' thing is unbelievable poor lady.

suki1001

Thanks to you all for your comments and your advice.

I think she does need to look into the legal side, as he has appanrently done, although I'm sure that's rubbish and he's just trying to scare her.

I think the problem is if he could accept some of his issues and work at it, then she feels they have a future, hence the counselling. However while he's not in the right frame of mind, is not willing to apologise for his behaviour, there is no way to heal the relationship.

Yes, he does seem to use his knowledge as a "Christian" to try and pick fault, which I think is awful. He's clearly missed the point.


The main relief for me, is that she is fully aware that his behaviour is controlling and NOT her fault. Still it's difficult for her. I also am worried, because a lot of her friends who are Christian are also giving her advice which involve a "Christian" viewpoint of marriage, and stating satan is involved in it. I don't think these are helpful. I'm pretty certain she'll take a lot of it with a pinch of salt.

What can I do to help her, I'm at a loss. I think I'll start with reiterating the abuse situation and let her read the women's aid website at my house, or let her ring them from here. Thank you for your comments everyone.

clearingout

google 'gaslighting' as no doubt that will be enlightening. When I found that term, I suddenly found myself able to 'move on'.

Assuming she leaves the marriage with her children (please don't let her leave without them unless that is what she really wants - he is the type of personality that will make it hard for her to ever see them again), she will not walk away without anything. He probably hasn't even seen a solicitor - that's a common threat at this stage of a marriage breakdown. It means nothing at all.

Being a single mum is hard in many ways, but not as hard as dealing with that in your life, believe me. Even though I didn't want my ex to leave and would have done anything to save the marriage at that time, the relief when he did go was enormous. And I had no idea at that point just how horrible a life I'd been living for quite some time - no violence, just an underlying control which was very unpleasant. It can take quite a while to unravel - be prepared for her to leave and go back.

Hope she can get it sorted. I had a wonderful friend who got me through my separation and divorce who never ever tired of hearing the same thing again and again. She was wonderful for getting perspective and still is when the ex plays silly beggars (reasonably regularly!).

suki1001

clearingout wrote: »

google 'gaslighting' as no doubt that will be enlightening. When I found that term, I suddenly found myself able to 'move on'.

Assuming she leaves the marriage with her children (please don't let her leave without them unless that is what she really wants - he is the type of personality that will make it hard for her to ever see them again), she will not walk away without anything. He probably hasn't even seen a solicitor - that's a common threat at this stage of a marriage breakdown. It means nothing at all.

Being a single mum is hard in many ways, but not as hard as dealing with that in your life, believe me. Even though I didn't want my ex to leave and would have done anything to save the marriage at that time, the relief when he did go was enormous. And I had no idea at that point just how horrible a life I'd been living for quite some time - no violence, just an underlying control which was very unpleasant. It can take quite a while to unravel - be prepared for her to leave and go back.

Hope she can get it sorted. I had a wonderful friend who got me through my separation and divorce who never ever tired of hearing the same thing again and again. She was wonderful for getting perspective and still is when the ex plays silly beggars (reasonably regularly!).

Thank you so much for your post. I googled gaslighting, which I've never heard of. It is really interesting (I will find this useful too).

I will let her know about it, I think she'll really relate to it, he is certainly strongly displaying this behaviour. She said she actually felt like he was compiling evidence against the whole time. That she would do things and he looked like he'd almost taken a mental note, which I find really scary.

I'm quite prepared for her to do it her way, if she leaves him several times, so be it.

Thank you, I think this will really help.