Help for my friend who's having a tough time - Marriage related

Mojisola

suki1001 wrote: »

Coupled with the fact he truely believe's she is at fault, has led them not to solve any issues in the past.

If he's really into the Old Testament, he may think it's genuinely his responsibility to "make" her behave like a good wife should. If this idea is being backed up by the church leaders, then going to them for counselling isn't going to work. They will all combine to make her feel that she is in the wrong.

She's lucky to have a friend like you.

suki1001

Thanks so much clearingout. I've just had a quick look at it, it looks very good. I'm really pleased I can give her all this useful information, you've all been really wonderful, I am so pleased I started this thread. I can't thank you all enough.

I think sometimes as a friend, you feel really powerless when friends are going through difficult times. Sometimes all you can do is listen and although that is a helpful thing to do, you can't always bring anything other than that to the table. So next time I see her I think we will have a very good chat!

Although I couldn't say whether she will end up leaving him, this will undoubtedly give her some strength and knowledge. I don't think he's a particularly intelligent man, just inherent on being right and that makes for a tough relationship if you can't ever admit your behaviour is abusive, destructive and controlling.

richardvc

Please wish your friend all the best.

I cannot offer any advice just an opinion - she should leave him - there are many decent men out there, christian or otherwise, whom she could have a nice life with.

He sounds a nightmare.......

And by the way - with friends like you, she will be ok.

suki1001

Mojisola wrote: »

If he's really into the Old Testament, he may think it's genuinely his responsibility to "make" her behave like a good wife should. If this idea is being backed up by the church leaders, then going to them for counselling isn't going to work. They will all combine to make her feel that she is in the wrong.

Yes you're right, this has already happened. A lot of the churchies weren't keen on them getting married in the first place (as if it's any of their business), however, I'm not sure if he didn't paint her in a very good light in the first place. what I can see is that maybe they were threatened by the fact she's quite strong willed and was relatively independant in the first place.

"She's lucky to have a friend like you" - Thank you, I do hope so

suki1001

duchy wrote: »

Bear in mind that if they are heavilly involved socially with the church-ridiculous as it sounds there IS still a bias aginst women from failed marriages and she may be also hearing how she should "try harder" "understand him better" from her friends within the church who are very well meaning and trying in their own way to help.

I don't think some of them are her friends. Fortunately, although she does talk to friends who are commited Christians, I am quite pleased she is able to talk to me, because I find some of their opinions quite scary (they are friends of mine too), I am not going to be spouting about satan and what sins she'll be commiting if she does leave him, I'm more bothered about her well being.

suki1001

richardvc wrote: »

Please wish your friend all the best.

I cannot offer any advice just an opinion - she should leave him - there are many decent men out there, christian or otherwise, whom she could have a nice life with.

He sounds a nightmare.......

And by the way - with friends like you, she will be ok.

Thanks, that's a lovely thing to say, I'll be getting all emotional in a minute.

heretolearn_2

Well, another aspect of these churches - usually - is that they are very clear that the man has to deserve the woman's respect and submission by being a good, smart and loving husband, he can't just demand it otherwise. It's a two way deal.

But then there is his expectation of 'submission', which is biblical and usual at these churches, so if she basically has an issue with this whole concept, no, they should never have got married in the first place. Although again the womens' versions are often a little bit different to the mens... lots of using what used to be called 'feminine wiles' to get their own way in the end, being quite manipulative really, make the man think it's his idea tactics. One little catchphrase all the women seem to use and laugh their guts out over is 'the man is the head of the family but the woman is the neck, and the neck turns the head.' So there's a whole lot less respect and submitting going on that the men think!

anyhow, just be her friend, make sure she knows the legal realities, and support her in her decisions.