Big difference in earnings - does this matter?

bill_creative

Hi all,
Actually the difference in earnings doesn't matter at all - my question is more around the household contributions as a few recent threads about issues between couples has got me wondering...

I have been with my husband for six years, married for four. I bought my flat shortly before he moved in together about a year before we got married.

He is self employed in an industry that has really poor pay and I am lucky enough to own a small business that is doing really well.

I pay for everything and don't ask for any contributions. When he earns, he keeps whatever he makes. When he has money though, he will spend some on picking up shopping or a meal out for us, so it isn't as if he is hoarding it. Some months, when there is no work about I'll put some in his bank account so he doesn't feel like he is "asking" for money.

Now, I have no issue with this situation - we have a happy marriage and I see it as a partnership so it is just *money*, not mine or his. He does all the cooking and cleaning and runs errands for me often - I sometimes work up to 100 hours a week, so really couldn't do this without all his help. He probably could get more hours, but then we would never see each other and I'd rather have a happy marriage than a few more ££ in the bank.

I guess I have two questions:
a) Why are most people (my parents included) so horrified that a woman is the breadwinner. I even find myself implying to friends and family that he contributes more than he does to save the comments.

and
b) Should I ask him for a % of his earnings to go towards bills? It just feels a bit churlish as he works incredibly hard for a low amount of money and I do have enough to cover everything.

So what are people's thoughts?

Mojisola

bill_creative wrote: »

I guess I have two questions:
a) Why are most people (my parents included) so horrified that a woman is the breadwinner. I even find myself implying to friends and family that he contributes more than he does to save the comments.

and
b) Should I ask him for a % of his earnings to go towards bills? It just feels a bit churlish as he works incredibly hard for a low amount of money and I do have enough to cover everything.

So what are people's thoughts?

If you are both happy with the arrangement, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!

anxious_mum

Agree with Mojisola, it's no one's business but your own, if you are happy with it then why rock the boat? I think you are only probably even questioning this because the 'traditional' roles are reversed here. If it was the other way around, there would probably be no question.

Lotus-eater

Mojisola wrote: »

If you are both happy with the arrangement, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks!

Totally this. Your perfect marriage is being questioned by others, which makes you question it yourself.

Stick to your guns and do what you think is right.

MrsManda

I agree with the othe posters, if you're both happy then it's no one else's business. My mum and stepdad are in a similar position in that she's the main breadwinner with my stepdad being self-employed. She generally pays for all the standard bills and they use the money my stepdad brings in to pay for things they wouldn't otherwise be able to afford.

My OH and I are the other way round which I guess is seen as the 'right' way to many people with that mentality whereas amongst our friends it's actually a bit of an odd set up. But we're happy and like yourself, my OH always points out that his life is made easier by me not working FT as I can get things done round the house without him worrying about it.

In a relationship, you do what works for you and your partner, not what everyone else thinks you should do

Mojisola

bill_creative wrote: »

Hi all,
Actually the difference in earnings doesn't matter at all - my question is more around the household contributions as a few recent threads about issues between couples has got me wondering...

I have been with my husband for six years, married for four. I bought my flat shortly before he moved in together about a year before we got married.

He is self employed in an industry that has really poor pay and I am lucky enough to own a small business that is doing really well.

I pay for everything and don't ask for any contributions. When he earns, he keeps whatever he makes. When he has money though, he will spend some on picking up shopping or a meal out for us, so it isn't as if he is hoarding it. Some months, when there is no work about I'll put some in his bank account so he doesn't feel like he is "asking" for money.

Now, I have no issue with this situation - we have a happy marriage and I see it as a partnership so it is just *money*, not mine or his. He does all the cooking and cleaning and runs errands for me often - I sometimes work up to 100 hours a week, so really couldn't do this without all his help. He probably could get more hours, but then we would never see each other and I'd rather have a happy marriage than a few more ££ in the bank.

I guess I have two questions:
a) Why are most people (my parents included) so horrified that a woman is the breadwinner. I even find myself implying to friends and family that he contributes more than he does to save the comments.

and
b) Should I ask him for a % of his earnings to go towards bills? It just feels a bit churlish as he works incredibly hard for a low amount of money and I do have enough to cover everything.

So what are people's thoughts?

Some people might be jealous that you've got such a lovely partner and want to find something wrong with your relationship.

charlieann

I've always earned higher than OH. When we both were working he paid food bills and I paid everything else. If we went out we alternated who paid. Nothing was ever discussed, it just worked out this way.
When we got married we made my account a joint one and pooled our wages. He gave up work 6 months later to look after LO. We still have one joint account that everything gets paid into and is paid from.
If OH wants a weekend away with friends or a night out it comes out of the joint account.

bill_creative wrote: »

a) Why are most people (my parents included) so horrified that a woman is the breadwinner. I even find myself implying to friends and family that he contributes more than he does to save the comments.

There is a large trend of females being the bigger bread winner also more men are becoming stay at home dads. Society has changed over recent years, other views haven't. Do not justify others comments with an answer aboutyour situation.

bill_creative wrote: »

b) Should I ask him for a % of his earnings to go towards bills? It just feels a bit churlish as he works incredibly hard for a low amount of money and I do have enough to cover everything.

So what are people's thoughts?

You and your OH need to do what is best for you and not what is expected from others around you.
If your happy how you are and its working for you why change it?

Rikki

If you two are happy and this is the way it works for you then don't change it. A happy marriage is worth more than money.

Carry on as you are and be happy.

idristhedragon

We are exactly the same but the other way round (and with 4 children). I have reached the stage where I tend not to tell anyone our financial arrangements anymore because people ALWAYS comment as to why dont we have a joint account etc and we have survived happily for 12 years as we are so why should anyone care that we dont have a joint account. I reaaly dont think its anyone elses business now and get a kick out of being ambiguous about it when people are clearly ITCHING to nose in our business

doodoot

OP, if your genders were the other way around you would find that people would not bat an eyelid.

If the arrangement works and you are happy, then your working hours, leisure hours and financials are no-one's business apart from you both.

And eek at working 100 hours per week! :eek:

LillythePink

I've just looked at last year's payslips and I earn 20k more than my hubby and have always earned more than him.

Prior to us buying our house we put in an equal amount for bills/rent - while some may think this unfair as I earnt several thousand more than him, I used to pay for my daughter's childminder and most of our holidays/trips etc.....which is why I got into financial difficulty (cc's loans etc)

However, now it's all joint and we each get pocket money to spend in the month no questions asked (or arguments about what has been spent)

If your situation works for you then no-one is entitled to argue that it's wrong - you and your Oh's feelings are what matters and if he is fine about you bringing in the money and you're fine with doing it and him spending it (don't mean that nastily) then there is no problem.

If people do make comments on it, then they are probably jealous that he is in such a good position and has such a lovely wife willing to part with her hard earned cash to supplement him.

As you said, it's a partnership and it doesn't matter that the roles are reversed...as long as you're both happy then there is no problem.