Splitting living costs with partner

VfM4meplse

gillykms wrote: »

He received a £2.5k pay rise last month so is that grounds to ask for a bit more?

If you ask for more on this basis, he is never going to be honest with you about his future income and pay rises. Ask for more, by all means, but structure it in a way that reflects costs rather than income.

gillykms wrote: »

The bus stop into town is literally 30secs walk from our front door and drops him off 2mins walk from work. Basically he doesn't like the bus and I did agree to giving him the lifts as one of the reasons why he would move in as it didn't sound so bad at the time but now our 1 year review is here I honestly have had enough of the taxi service!

The selfish what-not likes his bread buttered, doesn't he?! It sounds as if he sees you in a maternal role, rather than as an equal partner? Does the 4-year age gap have any bearing on how you treat him? Do you smother him in other ways?

belfastgirl23

I don't think the issue is the money exactly but more that you feel it's something you can't talk to him about. This is a warning sign for the longer term in the relationship because whatever else life throws at you, money issues are always there, sometimes in the background and sometimes in the foreground but they're there.

For me it's reasonable that you pay more towards the wedding since they are your friends and you earn more. As long as it's reciprocated when it's his friends and he's earning more!

In terms of your home expenses, I'd negotiate with him over cost of living rises, so how much it costs for electric, gas, food etc, but if you agreed to a certain sum for 'use' of the house I'd stick with that with a proviso that when he gets his big raise you will talk to him about it again.

I wouldn't have the car discussion as part of the money discussion TBH, this isn't about finances it's about you being taken for granted. And if I were you I might do it sometimes when it's convenient or as a favour. But you probably need to stop it altogether at first. And this will be unpleasant I'd guess. But you need to be calm and reasonable about it, it's really taking you out of your way and taking up time that you don't have any more. And stick to it.

Good luck.

But it does sound to me like there might be other issues in the relationship too, often money is the one that's easy to pick at. Before you have the talk, are you really sure that there aren't other more pressing things you need to talk about?

gillykms

I don't think, or at least I hope that it's not as bad as some of you think but maybe you are right! I feel a big chat coming on soon, the only problem with them is that they usually go in his favour!

Yes I do feel like his mother at times (don't get me started on the housework & switching off all the lights he leaves on!) but he is a very understanding, caring person who I love being with and ultimately love at the end of the day. As someone described it as the 'love goggles' may have worn off slightly and now it is the reality of living with someone and living in a partnership. I suppose this is all very new to both of us we just need to work on it.

The car thing is a bit silly I suppose. If he wanted picked up from work I would have no problem it's just getting out of bed to take him on my days off/late shifts that is horrible! And with his pay rise we could afford a weekend away together at the weekend (split 50/50!) so it's not all doom & gloom.

Thank you so much for your replies. They have given me a lot to think about and will hopefully help with my approach to 'the chat'!

an9i77

Money issues aside I can't believe he expects you to drive him to work and pay for the fuel when there's a bus stop nearby!!!! I was expecting you to say he'd have to catch three buses or walk for miles, and that was one of the reasons you'd agreed to do it when he moved in with you. You're not a girlfriend- you're a chauffeur! I mean this in the nicest possible way, but your bf is taking the p1ss and you've let him get away with it for too long, but he shouldn't need you to stop him taking the p, he shouldn't do it in the first place!

sharrison778

I'm not going to get into the specifics of what he should pay as I'm not from the UK and dont really know what is a reasonable rate for a room.

But I have had some first hand experience with money based resentment in a past relationship and believe me - its toxic. You need to talk to him and sort it out now.

He sounds a little like my ex.

My ex moved in with me when he had to leave his old apartment. He didnt have a car, I did, so we went everywhere in mine. The ex never offered to pay for petrol. When we went to buy food and groceries, he's throw stuff in the cart yet when it came time to pay, he'd get distracted by something and wander off, leaving me to pay.

It lasted about 5 months before I got truly fed up. With the benefit of hindsight, I said some pretty nasty things, because I had let so much anger and resentment build up.

(As an aside, the ex then got his own apartment and a few months later called me up to apologise. He'd had to go out and buy his own furniture etc plus pay his own bills and his comment to me was 'its really expensive, isnt it".)


OP - stop giving him lifts to work. If he doesnt want to pay the running costs of having a car, then he has to get the bus. Thats the way it works. Be more assertive with the car costs generally. If you have to pay for parking, stand back and wait to see what he does. When you fill up with petrol, ask if he minds paying for every second tank. If he says no, it says a lot about the kind of guy you're in a relationship with.

As for the cost of weddings etc... you're in a relationship. Doing things for people you dont know well or dont particularly like comes with the territory! I think splitting the cost of going to the wedding is reasonable and maybe you cover the cost of the present.

TBH I find your situation a little strange. My boyfriend and I dont keep track of spending like that at all. Sometimes I pay, sometimes he pays. The way I view it, he's my partner and doing something for him is like doing it for myself. But then financially we're lucky enough to be quite comfortable so maybe that helps.

Sooki

If you intend to or not, why not ask him what he thinks about you renting out the spare room to a friend to make ends meet. This might be a good way of opening up the 'money' conversation in a less confrontational way. He probably won't want to share and might offer a financial solution to avoiding taking in lodgers.

I tend to find people that don't drive are pretty clueless and thoughtless and expect a lot off people who do. Buses are expensive and you must be saving him a fortune, but if he's not using the bus because he's a snob then tough, why can't he walk? A less than 45 min walk isnt a hardship. I'd love to be able to walk to work.

BitterAndTwisted

Are you his partner or his Mum?

If you were his Mum it would be perfecllty OK to expect him to pay a fair amount a month for his keep adn be ferried about. That's what Mums sometimes do. As he is your partner, allegedly, and if he really is a free - loader, if or when you split up he could put forward quite a convincing argument as to how he should be entitled to a share of the equity in your property. Is that what you thought you were sharing with him? As that is precisely what you are doing.

*Louise*

I seriously wouldn't be getting up early to take him to work when I wasn't going out anyway, getting the bus a few times won't hurt him. Might make him appreciate the car (and you) a bit more.


I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to contribute a little more - we are all experiencing price increases with everything, so should he.

mountainofdebt

gillykms wrote: »

I don't think, or at least I hope that it's not as bad as some of you think but maybe you are right! I feel a big chat coming on soon, the only problem with them is that they usually go in his favour!

And you tell me the resentment isn't there! Sounds more and more like this is a one sided relationship.

gillykms wrote: »

And with his pay rise we could afford a weekend away together at the weekend (split 50/50!) so it's not all doom & gloom.

Please tell me this was written tongue in cheek

Sooki

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Are you his partner or his Mum?

If you were his Mum it would be perfecllty OK to expect him to pay a fair amount a month for his keep adn be ferried about. That's what Mums sometimes do. As he is your partner, allegedly, and if he really is a free - loader, if or when you split up he could put forward quite a convincing argument as to how he should be entitled to a share of the equity in your property. Is that what you thought you were sharing with him? As that is precisely what you are doing.

I don't think he could make an argument to the equity, from the original post it doesn't sound like his name is on the mortgage or his name on the utility bills, this is very sensible of the OP IMO.

But an working adult should not expect to be kept! And this is what it is sounding like and possibly what is causing the issues.

OP obviously I have no way of knowing how good or bad your relationship is, but as other posters have said this tends to settle into a natural way, and I'm concerned when you say it is causing arguments.

My EX lived off me and I know how draining it is and ended up with nothing, I'm now in the position of your OH in a relationship with someone who owned their property before we met, it is my home and we treat it as such.

Planning to discuss review things after a year sounds more like a work appraisal! A bit weird ! and if you were having to negotiate what you could do for him before he moved in, also odd! He sounds like an excellent manipulator to me, I'm sure he's very charming but I'd bring up the conversation on your terms and try and assertain his commitment as this sounds like the problem. e.g. the wedding invite, forget about the cost, why so dissinterested in the parts of your life he knows nothing of etc...