Splitting living costs with partner

gillykms

Hi all,

Any advice or input on this topic would be appreciated.

I bought my own house two & a half years ago, met my boyfriend 2 years ago and he moved in nearly 1 year ago. We agreed on a fee for rent & bills before he moved in and said we would take a look at the costs again after 12 months (which is in a couple of weeks). I would like to ask for more money but I know he will not be happy at all and so would like your thoughts as to whether I am being mean asking for more or not! He earns £21k and I earn £25k although when he finishes his training contract in 12 months time will turn into the higher earner and be on around £35-40k.

My mortgage is £450 per month(not including all the insurance type things) and bills (electricity, oil, tv licence, Internet) currently comes to £120 per month. He currently pays me £220 per month, so if you take off half the bills then he is paying me £160 rent.

If I was to rent my house out, or if we were renting this house out it would cost us around £425-£450 per month. If I was to rent the spare room out to a friend (which is what i was going to do before he moved in) i think i would charge around £200 per month, excluding bills, as it Is only 2miles to the city centre and there is a bus stop right outside.

On another note I (stupidly) agreed to give him a lift to his work in the city centre 3 times a week. This was decided as in his previous shared house with friends one of the guys used to give him a lift part of the way there or it would only take him 35 minutes to walk it whereas it now takes 45 minutes. This journey is completely out of my way, in fact I actually work shifts which means I might not start work until 11am but still have to get up early to take him to work He does not drive and he does not give me any money towards petrol costs for this or any journey we make together e.g. Day trips, cinema or shopping trips.

My final question is regarding splitting costs of weddings and wedding presents with a partner! A friend recently invited me to their wedding. My boyfriend has only met this friend once. The wedding involves a UK flight and a one-night stay in a hotel. We are also staying another night but with a friend so as to save on costs. My boyfriend is not happy about going as he says he does it know the person getting married. Having discussed it we each paid for our own flight (£60 each) and I have agreed to pay for the stay in the hotel (£120 for the room) and I will be paying for the present by myself, I would expect to pay around £70.

I would really like to hear people's own experiences on how they deal with these different situations in their relationships and whether the way we currently split costs is fair or not. Many thanks in advance and sorry for going on so long but it feels good to finally tell someone!!

caeler

Hi Op

Here is my opinion:
Living costs: You own the property and will benefit in the long run so why should he pay half your mortgage? Spliting the bills 50/50 is fair but you should include council tax too but you'd have to pay your mortgage either way.

Weddings: He doesn't know your friends so maybe no contribution to the gift but it is still a weekend away so it is a shared cost. Unless you pay for this and he gets the next event. I once started paying for things that involved my friends and he'd pay for things that involved his friends unfortunately I had more friend so paid for everything always! lol

Lifts to work: If its not convenient I don't see why he can't get himself there or find a car share arrangement. As for giving you fuel money he probably doesn't think because if he's not a driver he won't know the burden of seeing £££ going into the fuel tank!!

It sounds like your financial relationship isn't working for you. You need to ask yourself why, why is it now causing you a problem, is it really about the money? Why do you think he's not going to be happy with you asking for more money, surely he'll be receptive when you show him the living cost outgoing and he can see your paying substantially more? He's not in a house share now!! I think you need a honest conversation about how all this is making you feel. You'll get lots of different views and opinions but ultimately you need to find something that will work for the both of you. Good luck!

flora48

IMHO the living costs seem fair but I certainly would not ferry him about 3 times a week as if you are his mother! Let him get the bus. He should contribute some petrol money, not forgetting the other costs, car tax, service insurance etc. for the privelege of being driven everywhere.
As for the business of gifts for friends and meeting up with friends; my husband and I agree to go our own ways. I buy gifts for my family and friends and attend things on my own unless he knows the people concerned.
I think you have dran the short straw in this arrangement. Good luck with getting it sorted.

caeler

Here is a thread I think you'll find useful. https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3576811 It's quite long but have a read, it is all about how people split their living costs. I'm sure there was a more specific thread but I can't find it. There was a programme on TV before Christmas about how couples managed their finances, it was really insightful and had everybody from husbands giving wifes pocket money and housekeeping to those splitting everything 50/50.

mountainofdebt

I don't know how serious your relationship is but I don't think, from what you've said, I don't think its a particulary serious one (sorry if I've got it wrong though!)

Regardless of the rights/wrongs of the situation (both in terms of the issue of rent and the cost of the wedding) I think the issue of money is going to cause resentment and ultimately arguements....in fact your comments re petrol money is enough for me to think resentment is already there.

The only thing I would ask is what is he like with money otherwise - will he pay for a meal out or do you pay for your own?

an9i77

Not too sure about the house/ rent situation, but you shouldn't be giving him a lift three times a week if it's not convenient for you and certainly not without some money towards fuel. Is there no bus/train he can catch?
My partner and I have an informal agreement (not sure we ever discussed it just kind of worked out this way) that for my friends and family I buy the gifts and for his, he does (we do this for xmas/birthdays/weddings). I guess as time goes by (we have only been together 2 years) then maybe he will feel my friends/family are also his and want to make a contribution (and me to him) but it works for now. Although I seem to have more friends/family than him so I suppose I pay more, but I don't mind (which is the important bit, doesn't matter what agreement you come to so long as no one minds) .
In your situation regarding the wedding I'd be paying for the present myself, but split the hotel room (he will benefit from the trip wont' he) unless you want to have a me this time, you next time kind of agreement.
It does sound a little like your boyf is being a bit of a sponger, perhaps you have allowed him to get away with it a litle too long and now that your year is up it's time to reset the boundaries.

Sooki

This is going to sound blunt, but he sounds like a self centered free loader!

The wedding thing is a tricky one, but if he's behaving in this way I'd leave him at home. It will also give you some space to have fun with your mates and possibly shock him into a wake up call.

I'm possibly in a similar situation as your OH and would not dream of treating my OH the way yours is treating you.

What about food etc does he help out with this. You've appear to have a different attitude about money. He should be loaded, in my opinion from what you have said he is treating you more like his parent rather than a partner.

VfM4meplse

It sounds like the love goggles fell off some time ago in this relationship and resentment has started to set in.

If you love your partner and put their happiness first (and they reciprocate) these arguments needn't arise as a natural "fairness" develops. It sounds to me that you don't need a live-in-lover, but a reliable flatmate.

As an observation, in the happiest couples I know, lifts to and particularly from work are not an issue (although admittedly it's the husband picking up the wife). The distance between a couple is obvious where this generosity is missing, or one partner has to negotiate for a lift.

gillykms

Thank you all very much for your replies so far. I am still on page 1 of the link you shared caeler but will get through it all I'm sure!

In response to a few comments... I don't expect him to pay half of my mortgage just the going rate for a person renting a room in a house, or am I expected to charge 'mates rates'?

The bus stop into town is literally 30secs walk from our front door and drops him off 2mins walk from work. Basically he doesn't like the bus and I did agree to giving him the lifts as one of the reasons why he would move in as it didn't sound so bad at the time but now our 1 year review is here I honestly have had enough of the taxi service!

For everything else such as food shopping, cinema, meals, etc we pay 50/50 either by taking it in turns or each paying our own.

We have been together for 2 years so I'm not sure how serious that is but I do see a future together if that's what you mean. I do feel resentment about money sometimes, other times I'm not bothered. I think it's just recently I have been looking at where I can cut back on costs like everyone else. I know he will not be happy about giving more money as I have mentioned it before and it has ended in arguments e.g. Me saying that oil prices have risen, would he consider giving me more money and him basically saying I am being ridiculous!

He received a £2.5k pay rise last month so is that grounds to ask for a bit more?

With regards the weddings/pressies bit I think the suggestions of buying for your own friends is probably best and I will do this from now on. I suppose if he doesn't know them I shouldn't force him to go either but I think that can look abit bad! Maybe it's a good thing that I'm 4 years older than my bf and all my friends are getting married now I can get it out of the way!

caeler

gillykms wrote: »

He received a £2.5k pay rise last month so is that grounds to ask for a bit more?

YES!! So he's not paying his way and is keeping his entire payrise to himself. Hmmm seems selfish to me!

I once had financial resentment. For me I was the higher earner in our relationship and paid for subtantially more than him. Over the years when our earnings started to even up, or he'd have a couple of months of spectacular overtime I'd still be paying for everything, paying off his debt and getting myself in further. It didn't end well but TBH I didn't really see what was going on and as it turned out I wasn't in a loving relationship. There is not right or wrong way to do this BUT you need to have that honest conversation as this is getting you down and he might not realise.

Maybe you should ignore my first comment, I'm still a bit bitter from my own experience!!

brokenlily

My BF gives me £20 a month towards the upkeep of my car, because he gets lifts to work and uses the car for going to footy practice. He also pays half the petrol cost of any longer journey we make (such as going to see family or going away for the weekend). I think it is reasonable that he gives you something to help with the cost of motoring, as he is benefiting from you having a car.