He has done it again :(

sohurtandlost

I posted a thread in 2010 about my fiance (feel free to read it).

Well unfortunately its 2012 and im in that place again.

I trusted him and we were fine. Had another baby and learned to communicate.

He still rang a few sexlines but i was fine with that!

But...then i found out he was looking up local escorts. He didnt meet any, just rang them. We rowed, we talked and thought we were moving forward.

Not the case...he went out over christmas, got drunk and came home. I believed him. Curiousity got the better of me so i checked his phone records again. He phoned escorts, none answered so he went to a massage parlour instead. He didnt have sex, he was too drunk but the fact is, he went and he tried.

He had made an appointment with a therapist to address his issues now which is a step but its still made me take a huge knock.

Im not even angry! Just disappointed! I want to understand and help!

Blimey, reading back i think what a mug. Love hurts and is a complete head f***!!!!!

Dont know what i want to achieve by posting and i know most will say get rid!

Sorry for the long post xxx

JustinCredibleGillespie

Awk thats terrible

Do you see yourself in this same situation in 2014? If you do, you need a serious think about YOUR life & how all this is affecting you.

JCG

xx

victory

You just have to ask yourself if you were in this situation in 2010 and now in 2012 can you see it changing in 2014 or anytime at all?

sohurtandlost

I want it to change and i really think oh does too! I know in my heart that this really is the last time. I feel much stronger and am determined that i will not be a pushover. Anymore whether he does it tomorrow or in 5 years, then i will be gone.

JustinCredibleGillespie

sohurtandlost wrote: »

I want it to change and i really think oh does too! I know in my heart that this really is the last time. I feel much stronger and am determined that i will not be a pushover. Anymore whether he does it tomorrow or in 5 years, then i will be gone.

This could be your LBM. I hope you stick to your guns and I wish you all the best.

JCG

xx

MrsManda

I take it from your post that you still love him?
You need to make him understand that you're happy he's going to a therapist to try and sort himself out and that you're willing to try to help if he/the therapist can work out the root of his issues and how you both can move forward.
BUT this is 100% the last time you're going to stand for his behaviour as it's deterimental to your wellbeing and will start impacting on the kids as they get older (if it doesn't already).

If you are still engaged, you may want to consider temporarily breaking off the engagement to show you're serious - he can ask you to marry him once he's got his head in a place where he is ready to swear monogamy to you.

I hope the therapist helps and you don't have to go through this again *hugs*

Metranil_Vavin

Personally I'd get shot, but I know it's easier said than done.

He doesn't seem to have much respect for you and your kids if he's happy to lie and carry on as if he's a single bloke with no ties.

And my thinking is that if you keep forgiving him, why should he change?

Your life though obviously, and I hope you manage to find some happiness.

Birdy12

sohurtandlost wrote: »

Dont know what i want to achieve by posting and i know most will say get rid!

When people are hidden behind their user name it becomes all too easy to say 'kick him out!, 'pack his bags!', 'tell him where to go!'.

In your case, it sounds like you still love him. Th problem is you want him to love you in the same way you love him. It doesn't sound like he's trying much on that score, does he?

I don't know what to advise, sorry, but would just ask the same thing as other posters, Are you OK with putting up with the same thing two years down the line?

Can I just ask, are you really not bothered about him phoning sex lines?

Birdy

EDIT - I've just noticed that you've said he's made an appointment to visit a therapist. Well, maybe this will help him. I hope, though, that you're helping yourself as well at the mo.

heretolearn_2

Oh how awful for you. Yes, my head is telling me you need to get shot and I'm sure yours is too, but hearts don't always listen to heads.

There comes a point though when it's time for the head to take charge. When will that point be reached for you? I think it would be wise to decide that now, and to stick to it, no matter what. So if you decide that if he misses a therapist appointment, or if he calls another prostitute (let's not mince words, this is what they are, not 'escorts'), or if he goes to another brothel (again, this is where he went) that's it, then let that be it. Have the wisdom to do what is right for you and your children. Apart from the fact that he wants to cheat on you (and may well have done, you just didn't catch him that time) he is doing so in a way that puts you at serious risk of disease, and also is responsible for a great deal of abuse of other women and trafficking. Most prostitutes these days are either junkies who are reduced to this for their next fix (nice, eh) or trafficked women too terrified to do anything but slap on a smile and please the next of the umpteen men they are forced to service every day. How can you respect a man who has so little respect for women he thinks it's just a bit of fun to take advantage of these poor souls. If that's how he views women, what does he really think of you? How little respect and love can he have for you to behave like this?

robpw2

im not sure i see the issue ... maybe its just me
you seem to be ok with him calling sex lines but not escorts even thought he never meets them ?
and he went to a massage parlour... when drunk but didnt get a massage anyway

perhaps you should define your boundaries a bit more and let him know how you feel but its not worth throwing it all away based on a what you think might happen
maybe you could get a payg number and be his escort/sex line as its clear this is waht does it for him

aliasojo

robpw2 wrote: »

im not sure i see the issue ... maybe its just me

It's just you. :D

Sex lines are *just* phone talk, the people wont meet whereas escorts are more personal and meeting is usually the object. (He may not have met any yet but it's only a short path from a phone call to a visit so maybe he was leading up to it?)

He went to a massage parlour with the intention of trying to have sex. The only reason he didn't (assuming it was actually on offer) was that he was drunk.

OP I think Rob has a point in that you do seem to have slightly blurred lines drawn with regards to what you will accept and what you wont. I'm not sure men generally view things the same way women do when it comes to stuff like this so imo, it's best to be crystal clear.

I do wonder if letting the sexlines pass, you have somehow conveyed the message that you will tolerate certain indescretions and he's just acted on that. Escorts may not be viewed as being too much different from sexlines by some blokes.

His head is not in the game as they say. He's still playing his own version. Can you trust him again to put the effort in to change?