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New House with OH, advice needed please!
MissFairy
Posts: 3 Newbie
Hello!
First time posting so please be gentle. I’ll tell you my story and then any advice anyone has would be much appreciated!!
Basically myself and my OH have bought our first house and have moved in together. All good so far, lovely house, great to have some independence and somewhere to call my own. I’ve been with him for around 18 months and we have always been honest with each other, especially with finances. Now I wouldn’t say I had a horrendous attitude to money, I have a fantastic job which I love and have a healthy salary. I have no debts bar my student loan and now obviously a mortgage. My OH has always admitted to me that he has been a ‘tight wad’ (his words not mine!!!) in the past, although he has been nothing but generous and kind throughout the time I have known him.
But since we have bought this place he has turned into a bit of an obsessive monster.
The other night we sat down to go through paperwork and to make sure joint account, mortgage, insurance etc makes sense and is correct. We then went through our own personal finances as we have decided to get other accounts for holidays, Christmas, home improvements. Now I am more than happy to do this as it me it makes sense. However my OH then started looking at my monthly outgoings and has decided that I am too extravagant for his liking and need to stop all together. Not even to cut back just pull the plug. I will break down what he thinks I should stop doing.
· Hair; cut and coloured every 6 weeks. £60. (His reasoning is that I don’t need to primp and prime as I’ve got him :eek:)
· Beautician every 4 weeks. £20. (as above)
· Weightwatchers membership (£20 a month, I have had a real battle with my weight and I feel I need this to keep me on track and sane!)
· Car. Sell my new(ish) one for a much older car.
· Shopping (I’ve already got enough clothes ( to be fair he has a point))
This isn’t the complete list, but the ones which are really bugging me the most. And I really don’t want to sound like a spoilt princess!! These are just the things that keep me sane and happy!
Now I get that in this time of austerity maybe I should be focussing more on saving, however as mentioned I have a good job and save 1k a month and can still afford all of these little luxuries as he would say, necessities as I would. My problem is I just don’t know where it has come from. As far as I know he has never been in debt or had any issues with money, so where this sudden panic has come from is a total mystery. I laughed when he suggested this to me and then got in a huff because I was ‘burying my head in the sand’. I have tried talking to him however he always changes the subject and then the other day brought it up when his mother was visiting and of course she agreed wholeheartedly!
The only reasoning I can see behind it is that he has either had serious issues with money in the past and is scared of telling me, or that he feels threatened by my wage (I earn around 10k pa more than he does) but it has never been an issue before!
Any ideas guys as to why he is like this? Or how I can talk to him/ work through this issue?
Sorry for such a long post, I am just very frustrated!! Many thanks in advance
Fairy
First time posting so please be gentle. I’ll tell you my story and then any advice anyone has would be much appreciated!!
Basically myself and my OH have bought our first house and have moved in together. All good so far, lovely house, great to have some independence and somewhere to call my own. I’ve been with him for around 18 months and we have always been honest with each other, especially with finances. Now I wouldn’t say I had a horrendous attitude to money, I have a fantastic job which I love and have a healthy salary. I have no debts bar my student loan and now obviously a mortgage. My OH has always admitted to me that he has been a ‘tight wad’ (his words not mine!!!) in the past, although he has been nothing but generous and kind throughout the time I have known him.
But since we have bought this place he has turned into a bit of an obsessive monster.
The other night we sat down to go through paperwork and to make sure joint account, mortgage, insurance etc makes sense and is correct. We then went through our own personal finances as we have decided to get other accounts for holidays, Christmas, home improvements. Now I am more than happy to do this as it me it makes sense. However my OH then started looking at my monthly outgoings and has decided that I am too extravagant for his liking and need to stop all together. Not even to cut back just pull the plug. I will break down what he thinks I should stop doing.
· Hair; cut and coloured every 6 weeks. £60. (His reasoning is that I don’t need to primp and prime as I’ve got him :eek:)
· Beautician every 4 weeks. £20. (as above)
· Weightwatchers membership (£20 a month, I have had a real battle with my weight and I feel I need this to keep me on track and sane!)
· Car. Sell my new(ish) one for a much older car.
· Shopping (I’ve already got enough clothes ( to be fair he has a point))
This isn’t the complete list, but the ones which are really bugging me the most. And I really don’t want to sound like a spoilt princess!! These are just the things that keep me sane and happy!
Now I get that in this time of austerity maybe I should be focussing more on saving, however as mentioned I have a good job and save 1k a month and can still afford all of these little luxuries as he would say, necessities as I would. My problem is I just don’t know where it has come from. As far as I know he has never been in debt or had any issues with money, so where this sudden panic has come from is a total mystery. I laughed when he suggested this to me and then got in a huff because I was ‘burying my head in the sand’. I have tried talking to him however he always changes the subject and then the other day brought it up when his mother was visiting and of course she agreed wholeheartedly!
The only reasoning I can see behind it is that he has either had serious issues with money in the past and is scared of telling me, or that he feels threatened by my wage (I earn around 10k pa more than he does) but it has never been an issue before!
Any ideas guys as to why he is like this? Or how I can talk to him/ work through this issue?
Sorry for such a long post, I am just very frustrated!! Many thanks in advance
Fairy
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Comments
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Wow, that does seem a bit extreme! If I've understood this correctly, all of the bills etc are getting paid, and you're saving £1k a month? If so, I would think whatever's left (if there is anything) is yours to do as you please with.
Is there any insecurity over either of your jobs? Are you saving for anything in particular (house renovations, children)? Has he lived with anyone before who may have had different attitudes towards money? Am just trying to think of possible reasons for his reaction... although tbh I'm stumped!
I'm having to be bossy with my OH's finances at the moment but that's because he has large debts to pay back, and he's asked me to. Once we're straight again, as long as the bills are paid he can spend what's left on whatever he wants as far as I'm concerned.0 -
I'd be very concerned at any man that tried to stop me looking after my appearance (with money I had earned and could afford). And not on the grounds of money, on the grounds of control. Especially with a MIL that obviously fuels this.I could dream to wide extremes, I could do or die: I could yawn and be withdrawn and watch the world go by.Yup you are officially Rock n Roll
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Sorry I didnt want to read & run.
Hand on heart I don't see a problem with what your doing. You seem to work hard so you quite rightly deserve to treat yourself.
JCG
xx:smileyheaMarried on 20/07/2012! :smileyhea
:DBought my new car 11/08/12:D:cool: Save £12k In 2013 Num 009! £5502/£5000 :cool:
Save £12k in 2014 Num 22! £2131/£3000
Emergency Fund £00 -
I would be very annoyed to put it mildly!
As long as you contribute your fair share of the set household expenses (mortgage, bills, groceries...etc), and of the other joint accounts for holidays and unexpected expenses, why on earth would he have any say on what you spend YOUR leftover money on??
Maybe he has had a troubled history with money, but this is no reason to make you feel guilty about spending your own money on whatever you like!
Edited to add: the comment about how you basically don't need to look after your appearance just because you're now with him would worry me a lot (ie: he thinks you make yourself pretty to attract other men)! It sounds like a jealous and controlling streak that needs to be nipped in the bud if you ask me. What next? Not being "allowed" to wear make up or skirts in case other men look at you?
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Can I suggest the following:
assure him you've got the best deals on what you are doing
agree to pitch in to all the holiday/christmas etc accounts
NEVER LET HIM SEE YOUR PERSONAL STATEMENT AGAIN!
if my oh saw my personal statements he'd have a fit! all he needs to know is I pay my half of the bills and my half of the savings! If I wants to spend £stupid on something, he doesn't have to know!0 -
It's your money, you do whatever you want with it... don't understand why he has to say anything about it??? No one has ever told me what to do with MY money...0
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Totally agree with BugglyB.. my partner has never seen my personal statement, and I've never seen his.. I'm not interested at all! we pay everything half & half and that's it.0
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If you are managing to pay all the bills AND put money into savings, I would tell him to eff off.
YOUR money is yours to do with whatever you want, so long as it doesn't impact on other spending.
He was happy for you to look nice for him BEFORE the house move, but now he wants you to stop getting your hair done, visit the beautician and stop watching your weight....plus stop spending money.
2 words...controlling behaviour.Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage.0 -
Alisha2008 wrote: »Totally agree with BugglyB.. my partner has never seen my personal statement, and I've never seen his.. I'm not interested at all! we pay everything half & half and that's it.
No doubt there will be people along shortly to say that we and our partners dont love each other properly, there is no 'your money' and 'my money' just 'our money', etc 0 -
So you have no debt (bar mortgage and student loan), you pay [your half of] the mortgage, bills, food etc, you pay for your "treats" (I consider hair stuff essential aswell) and you STILL save £1000 a month. I think thats really good, and he has nothing to complain about. It possibly a control/ jealousy issue?0
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