Can anyone remember this book?

Seanymph

Mojisola I am now more equal - we have areas we look after, but can multiskill as needed and communicate well - but when I was younger I learnt from this. I was insecure and fearful and therefore quite controlling I think looking back. It wasn't a 'have you done that' but 'haven't you done that yet' a number of times. It felt alien to me when I started being in partnerships to let go of anything.

So you may be in an excellent balanced, equitable relationship which is super - you have nothing to learn. But lots of people do - and I certainly did.

OH was supposed to log into our bank account over christmas - he fouled up and got locked out - he phoned them to sort it out and got cross and cut off. It hasn't been done. I have checked at the hole in the wall I can still spend money but I have no idea what has gone in or out. And I haven't reminded, nagged, or done it yet.

In a couple of days when it truly drives me barking I'll offer to make the call. I won't and haven't reminded him - he finds it difficult and I don't, so I'll do it - but I'll offer rather than 'taking over'.

It's just about backing off enough that the person you live with doesn't feel criticised or pressured or supervised all the time.

And I think women especially tend to take on too much - I did as a young woman - and the young men I was with didn't do enough! So you can end up with an imbalance that disempowers everyone - the man because he's being nagged and gets resentful and the woman because she's exhausted being responsible for everything.

One Christmas I not only bought all of my gifts to him, ours to our children - but his to his family and HIS TO ME! I even wrapped up my own presents. Because I didn't trust him to buy things I liked.

Now I don't - my OH buys for me, sometimes he's bang on, and sometimes I feel a bit disappointed, but I love that he took the time and I try to be gracious.

She's just advocating accepting gifts well and not taking over buying them yourself...

BugglyB

Seanymph wrote: »

Homespun has it in a nutshell!

And 'surrendered' is wrong - it's not about unempowering women at all.

It's about the fact that as posted above women tend to ask for something to happen, then check if it has - and check if it has - and check if it has........ and so he doesn't take on any responsibility.

He's like my 15 year old who can't seem to remember to brush his own teeth because I remind him every day so he doesn't HAVE to remember........ and then I have to remember mine AND his.

Of course in lots of families there is equal earning and equal accounts and things......... but I just used that as an example about the waterbill.

If it's up to him to take out the rubbish, ask, if he forgets and the bin is overflowing you have to sit on your hands until he does something about it - it's like teaching my 15 year old.......... eventually he will. Next time he'll do it quicker. If he misses the bin men, and there is too much rubbish to fit in the outside bin HE has to solve that, not you because then you'll build resentment. So you let that go, and he has to take it to the tip not you. Because that's HIS department.

It doens't have to be a waterbill. It can be anything - it's just saying that if between you it is agreed that he will, I don't know, clean out the rabbit - then you have to back off and let him do it in HIS time as he wants, unless of course it's a cruelty issue, alright bad example.

But it's about trusting your man to do what he needs to do to keep his part of the family running without you doing your bit and checking up on his bit and worrying because it isn't done yet. You do your bit and ignore his bit and trust him to do it.

Her theory is if you do that eventually (and generally sooner rather than later) he'll step up, act like an adult and ensure his things are done in time. If you 'parent' him then he won't bother remembering to brush his teeth at 35, because you'll always remind him. Meanwhile you'll be nagging yourself into an early breakdown and killing any romance between you.

Yet if she'd titled it 'The Trusting Wife' or 'The Adult Relationship' it wouldnt have got any air time at all would it? What a crock.

Seanymph

I don't remember why she called it that - she does explain at length at the beginning, but like all things you take from it what interests you, and that didnt' interest me at all. It's just semantics.

And some women will I'm sure use it as an excuse not to take on any responsibility themselves - it's just not how I read it when I read it.

Lotus-eater

fluffnutter wrote: »

Face it, people, we're agonising over how the relationship is, how he is, how we are, where everything's going and he's scratching his balls and thinking about football/food/beer/sex/not much at all.

Absolutely not.

This is the heavy metal guide to really loving your man.

This is NOT an under 18 or at work song. Or anyone else without a SOH. So that means over half of you aren't allowed to click it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HAvXHpLwJA4

daska

HomeMum wrote: »

Mmm. Interesting discussion. I can honestly say that whilst I have no intention of "surrendering" to anyone, least of all my husband, nor do i intend to "do as I am told" (far too old to start, never did when growing up apparently, so unlikely to do so now ) I have shocked myself lately by coming to the realisation that life (in my circumstances - certainly not for all i do realise this) was far easier and happier during the times where i simply, oh i dont know how to put this bit, well i guess simply "didnt".
By that i mean i didnt moan, nor nag. Nor disagree. Previously in our relationship i allowed (see, even that reads wrong - maybe i should say never had an opinion) DH to go whereever he wanted, whenever he wanted, if he wanted to go out to football all day, and pub all evening, fine. If he wanted to go golf all day, and pub all evening, fine. It was never an issue.
As time went on and i began to nag a little, moan a little, our relationship changed, and i CERTAINLY WASNT HAPPIER FOR IT!!!!
I guess most men dont like being told what to do, or when to do it, and now ive backed off again things definately are happier at home.
Surrended wife? No. But could I be? Most probably.

Problem is that if they get to do exactly what they want, when they want, simply because it's easier not to point out that they haven't done what's necessary or played with the kids or spent an evening with you in the last 5 years you've ended up being doormat wife rather than surrendered.