Can anyone remember this book?

fluffnutter

Face it, people, we're agonising over how the relationship is, how he is, how we are, where everything's going and he's scratching his balls and thinking about football/food/beer/sex/not much at all.

Mojisola

Seanymph wrote: »

You have 'set areas' of responsibility within the marriage, and if something isn't yours then you don't get to supervise, remind, nag and criticise how your partner has done it.

So if he is the breadwinner in a traditional role sense, you ensure he has the waterbill, you then shut up unless you need to tell him the water has been disconnected.

There's no way I could sit back and wait until one of the utilities had been disconnected before saying anything! If it's okay to say something after it's happened, what's wrong with asking before if the bill has been paid?

katerinasol

Mojisola wrote: »

There's no way I could sit back and wait until one of the utilities had been disconnected before saying anything! If it's okay to say something after it's happened, what's wrong with asking before if the bill has been paid?

I would. It happens once - he's so mortified that he makes well sure it doesn't happen again.

bylromarha

Mojisola wrote: »

There's no way I could sit back and wait until one of the utilities had been disconnected before saying anything! If it's okay to say something after it's happened, what's wrong with asking before if the bill has been paid?

Not having read the book, my understanding on this is that it's a trust thing.

Some women really struggle with trusting that their partner will do what they say they will do in their own time.

We had to work with a couple a few years back as she continually asked these sorts of questions - for her it was a control thing she really needed to work through. Just because husband said he would do something, wife expected him to do it in HER timings, not his. Caused lots of issues for the couple as he was not allowed to get on and do, and she would daily remind about the thing he said he was going to do and hadn't yet done.

I think surrendered is a poor title for this book, should be renamed "Women, give your bloke a break and let them get on with it in their own time, just like they do with you"

Seanymph

Homespun has it in a nutshell!

And 'surrendered' is wrong - it's not about unempowering women at all.

It's about the fact that as posted above women tend to ask for something to happen, then check if it has - and check if it has - and check if it has........ and so he doesn't take on any responsibility.

He's like my 15 year old who can't seem to remember to brush his own teeth because I remind him every day so he doesn't HAVE to remember........ and then I have to remember mine AND his.

Of course in lots of families there is equal earning and equal accounts and things......... but I just used that as an example about the waterbill.

If it's up to him to take out the rubbish, ask, if he forgets and the bin is overflowing you have to sit on your hands until he does something about it - it's like teaching my 15 year old.......... eventually he will. Next time he'll do it quicker. If he misses the bin men, and there is too much rubbish to fit in the outside bin HE has to solve that, not you because then you'll build resentment. So you let that go, and he has to take it to the tip not you. Because that's HIS department.

It doens't have to be a waterbill. It can be anything - it's just saying that if between you it is agreed that he will, I don't know, clean out the rabbit - then you have to back off and let him do it in HIS time as he wants, unless of course it's a cruelty issue, alright bad example.

But it's about trusting your man to do what he needs to do to keep his part of the family running without you doing your bit and checking up on his bit and worrying because it isn't done yet. You do your bit and ignore his bit and trust him to do it.

Her theory is if you do that eventually (and generally sooner rather than later) he'll step up, act like an adult and ensure his things are done in time. If you 'parent' him then he won't bother remembering to brush his teeth at 35, because you'll always remind him. Meanwhile you'll be nagging yourself into an early breakdown and killing any romance between you.

jojo_2012_2

Sounds like an interesting read, nothing wrong with a different POV.

She looks very happy in her picture, although a bit haggered for 25yrs old. I wonder why?

Seanymph

She's definitely not 25.

It's not what people imagine 'surrendered' to be - I faced all sorts when I admitted I'd read it - its about being gracious and allowing your partner to be an adult too - not supervising them.

tea_lover

I've been reminding (ok, nagging) my OH to change a standing order for 3 weeks now. He keeps forgetting to do it, and so is paying too much of his money. I'm now really going to try to not mention it again, if he wants to pay too much into the joint account that's his problem from now on!

This thread is really making me think - I'm not sure I trust OH to do anything right tbh! Which says a lot more about me, than him. I'm determined to start treating him more like an adult, I definitely treat him like a child at the moment.

Mojisola

Seanymph wrote: »

It's not what people imagine 'surrendered' to be - I faced all sorts when I admitted I'd read it - its about being gracious and allowing your partner to be an adult too - not supervising them.

Our marriage is a partnership of equals - maybe that's why I couldn't get my head round what was being talked about. If I've got to do something by a certain date, my OH may well ask "Have you done x?" and I might ask him if there's something he's doing.

We don't nag each other and have never done so with our children either. How on earth would they manage when they left home if we were always checking up on whether they'd done stuff?

Seanymph

I learnt a lot from it (not to be a doormat no.) In that I was exhausting myself 'reminding' my partner to do things he should be doing - and all because he wasn't doing things to my timescale. I wasn't so much living with him as managing him - delegating and then supervising.

I guess like all books you could be extreme with it (look at the Bible!) - but if it's read with a healthy dose of self realisation I think lots of us can learn from it. No one puts us under as much pressure as we do ourselves, and this is about giving yourself permission to step back and let your life partner make his own mistakes. And then let him put them right again. Or not. Because he's an adult too, and so he gets to do that.

She doesn't advocate abusive/alcoholic relationships, or anything that affects your wellbeing being ignored.

Just exactly what you put - if he's paying too much of his money into your joint account then it doesn't affect you - he is aware so you leave him to deal with it (or not) as he sees fit. If he doesn't you could always suggest going away for a weekend or out to dinner or whatever on the money that's accured there unexpectedly.