I can't cope, please help

abacus73

Saturnalia wrote: »

I'm coming up 31 and have nothing for the future. No pension, no savings, no-one to love and be loved by, few friends, no chance of owning a home, nothing. I can't believe I'm here. I've tried so hard, got my Modern Languages BA years ago (which cost a fortune of debt and has done me no good for getting jobs), apply for tens of jobs a week, nearly had a breakdown in 2010 due to no work and escalating debts and have been on-and-off Prozac since...Whenever I've been well and can afford it I've made sure to get out to social events but never meet anyone I could be with. It seems so hopeless. I don't know anyone else in the same situation. Everyone else I know is working and in steady relationships.

I feel so ashamed of not working and signing on. All you ever hear about is "workshy scroungers" and similar names, but if someone offered me a job I'd start tomorrow!

Stop feeling ashamed of having to use the welfare state when times are hard. That is what it was set up for. That is why you pay your national insurance. If you weren't entitled to help you wouldn't get it.

It is clear to everyone apart from yourself to see that you are not a workshy scrounger. Each post screams out how much you want to work, how much you would like your own home, to have a good lifestyle, to put savings by. You have aspirations. Workshy scroungers are happy to bum along leading a sad existence and dont want to hope for any better.

I found your post so sad because your focus is on all that is wrong and has gone wrong. You come across as someone who is very driven and capable and who has so far had quite a rough ride through life. That is not your fault. You are capable of many things, not everyone could achieve a BA in modern languages. Write yourself a list on here, or in private if its easier of all your strengths and all the things you value about yourself. Go on I dare you, you will be surprised by how much you have to offer.

Saturnalia

That's the sore thing abacus, I think I have a lot to offer to the right employer or the right partner, but no-one is interested in it. My friends and family all say the same thing, that they have no idea why I'm not employed and dating, but it means I can't fix what is wrong.

Ellejmorgan

Don't worry about what people think about benefit claimants, these people always have an opinion until they get sick, lose their job or hubby leaves.
I've been on benefits long term due to disability and i'm not ashamed it's not my fault and certainly isn't yours.
If everyone in the world who had a job had their credit history questioned and their job depended on it millions of people would be getting p45's
Life can turn back around as quickly as things went wrong, start with the basics to get back on track, be kind to yourself, economise that sort of thing..
What can you do to change things ??? This isn't your fault ...

Saturnalia

Even my aunt decided to scream at me at a family do that "I'm paying for your lifestyle". This was in November when I wasn't on benefits, I'd been in my last job about 2 months by then, but obviously the stink and stigma of claiming never goes away and even members of my own family who should know I want to work, still see me as a loser. There was nothing I could say asd it's true, isn't it? She apologised the next day and I accept her apology for saying it, but that doesn't change the fact she thinks it (otherwise it would never have come out of her mouth if it wasn't on her mind, would it?)

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Saturnalia wrote: »

Even my aunt decided to scream at me at a family do that "I'm paying for your lifestyle". This was in November when I wasn't on benefits, I'd been in my last job about 2 months by then, but obviously the stink and stigma of claiming never goes away and even members of my own family who should know I want to work, still see me as a loser. There was nothing I could say asd it's true, isn't it? She apologised the next day and I accept her apology for saying it, but that doesn't change the fact she thinks it (otherwise it would never have come out of her mouth if it wasn't on her mind, would it?)

At a family do? After a few G&Ts, by any chance?

Just because someone is related doesn't mean they matter once they start picking on you.


Can I suggest you adopt a slightly more robust attitude to the Daily Venom readers of the world?

HangTime

Saturnalia wrote: »

I can't see myself ever working again. It's been 3 years without a perm job. I temp at least 1 week a month but I hate having no security, I can't plan anything, can't save for the future. I apply for any job I find where I meet the criteria and think I can do the job but never get interviews. I've had my CV & cover letters looked over by the Jobcentre ad a friend in HR and they can't tell me where I'm going wrong.

One option is to expand your search area / methodology when looking for jobs, nowadays there are some pretty good job search sites online that pull jobs from various places (I recommend www.indeed.co.uk ). Your opening post is written in a fairly eloquent way, you have a BA so depending on your experience I suspect you would be very employable to the right company. We're currently in a a bit of an economic slump so yes there is more competition for jobs right now, but it won't last forever.

what man will want a woman who can't pay her way and is nothing but a dead weight? I have no savings, can't get a joint mortgage, hell, can't afford busfare to go on a date.I'm only too aware that men like young beautiful women - there are 20-year-olds with jobs, futures and line-free faces who want to get married. What hope have I got?

31 is hardly the end of the line, not all men want a naive 20 year old on their arm and even if they did, not all 20 year old women will want all of them back

Finally when you talk about not having acheived anything bear in mind that society and the media puts forward this vision of what success is - marriage, children, owning your own house, career etc etc but fundamentally there is no template for a 'successful' life and indeed there is no serious-looking gentleman with a clipbard following each of us around giving us marks out of 100 on various "Life Success(TM)" criteria. Each of us has to find success in our own way and even other people you might look at and consider to have achieved something maybe don't feel that different to yourself in terms of their own lives.

Saturnalia

I had a look at that Indeed site and applied for 4 jobs this afternoon (that are very close to things I've already done and my CV matched up to them) it seems like there are jobs advertised right now so I'm going to be spending all-day-every day applying. January is usually a slow month for recruitment but last year I got a temp-to-perm role in January (it didn't work out, but wasn't my fault, I was bullied out of the job by a clique) so it could just happen!

Jojo. I like your style! Yes my aunt went off on one while totally smashed, alcohol is the ultimate truth drug where what is on your mind exits your mouth, isn't it? I won't be in a rush to socialise with someone that toxic again, the family and friends who matter know what my truth is and are helping support me through this. Funny you refer to The Daily Venom, yes she is one of those who reads the tabloids and gets her opinions fully-formed from the headlines with no thought about other people's life circumstances and how they ended up where they are. I can only feel pity for a person gone-60 who has never learnt how to think!

sparkles.

If you have a BA in languages have you consider the possibility of home tutoring children who are studying them at school?? I look into this for my son and most charge between £15-25 per hour in the students home. You'd need a CRB but it could lead into something to help you use your degree?