Getting Your Other Half On Board

seriousDFW

For years I had my head in the sand, and my OH would try and get me to look at finances and sort things out, but I refused and we always argued. When I finally had my LBM, we both committed to sorting it out. However, she gave me access to all her accounts online and gave me free reign to do the budget, plan spending and pay off debt. It is SO much easier with one person controlling it. We both find controlling day to day spending difficult but we're getting better and while my OH doesn't like it much, she accepts that when I say "we have this much to spend on this" she accepts it because she knows I'm budgeting and planning for our future, not being mean.

It's been easy for me because while my OH isn't perfect, she doesn't get annoyed when I challenge her about overspending and she accepts we have to spend less than we'd like sometimes.

Glad things are going better, it does get easier, and we've found that the less we've spent, the easier it gets to spend less! I guess you get used to it. Showing her your planning to keep her in the picture might help. This is especially good if you're planning for something in the future (house, holiday, family etc.).

The 'doctor and farmer' story is great and that's how I've started seeing things. I see other people who have expensive cars, houses, holidays etc. and I no longer envy them at all. Perhaps they are wealthy and can afford and enjoy those things. If so, I'm not envious of them because I accept that some people are luckier with money than others, or they've worked hard for it. Or it could be that everything they have is on credit, in which case I don't envy them because that's more stress and expense on top of what I've already got.

Chesntoots

See my signature for my personal experience on this!!

My ex was Bi-polar and had OCD. He had massive highs where he would go out and spend over £400 on a snowboard and when the low hit it would be on Ebay for £200 the next week. He did this with clothes, computers, games machines - you get the picture...

I tried everything - showing him the accounts, taking his cards off him (he re-ordered them!), seperate accounts (I had to keep topping his up or the bills didn't get paid), joint account (he just spent it) etc... We originally had a £35k mortgage and it ended up at over £90k due to re-mortgaging to pay loans etc but the usual happened and he spent on the cards when they were cleared. I had a fantastic credit rating when I met him - it's in the toilet now as when we split he declared himself bancrupt and I was left with it all. Luckily I had my mortgage for about 6 months prior to him doing that so I was ok. I'm now terminally terrified of ever getting into a financial relationship with anyone and conerned about even letting anyone move in...

I ended up having a breakdown and was off work for a long time and couldn't function.

Since being on my own I have paid nearly all the debt off and have my own house and manage all the financial struggle that comes with it.

Sorry to kind of hijack your post but just wanted to say that I know how hard it is but be careful not to let it get to the stage that I did....

sp1987

Kwaker_Knacker wrote: »

Just a quick update.

I've got tough regarding the spends. Twice this week the wife has said she needed to get a tenner out and both times I said no way. Felt a bit bad at the time, but it soon passes :rotfl: She's had 3 collections at work, and this has ate all of her pocket money, so she has nothing left. But as I told her, welcome to my world, I never have money in my pocket.

She accepted it but I could tell she wasn't happy. However I explained that this is the way it's going to be from now on. Her pocket money is hers alone to spend on what she wants but when it's gone, she'll have to wait until the following Thursday for the next lot. In the past, she's used her money to get the kids a happy meal at McD's or bought birthday stuff for people, but now I've told her not to do that. I now have a system in place that covers things like that (or I will have once I get paid ).

She seemed ok with it once I explained, and I told her that just cos she gets x amount of money per week doesn't mean she HAS to spend it all. Told her if she put a bit away every week, when any big collection week comes along in future, her pocket money won't take so much of a caning. She agreed, but I bet it doesn't happen. Makes no odds tho, when it's gone, it's gone. Hopefully this week has made her realize this.

Bit of a double edged sword this. On one hand I feel bad cos she's flat broke, but on the other it's great not seeing tenners flying out of the bank. The second feeling far outweighs the first one tho, so I'll be continuing with this approach.

K_K.

P.S. To give credit where it's due, yesterday the wife needed some *ahem* "women's products". She went to the supermarket, got them and a paper (for that day's £9.50 holiday voucher), and that was it. No £10-15 spent on rubbish. I had told her before she went mind, just get what's necessary, no looking in the offers/reduced sections, and she managed :T:T. So good on her. I may be getting thru to her

What does she say to this?

I am afraid to say I would have found the whole above experience patronising and demeaning. But maybe most people are more tolerant than me :rotfl:

Kwaker_Knacker

Again, thanks for the replies.

Katsu, I don't think she'll ever have a LBM, but like I said at the start, our debt isn't massive or unmanageable so it's not really important that she won't see the light. And as I'm the one who sorts out the finances, all I need is her to ease off on the visits to the cashpoint :rotfl: There may be times when things become a bit strained (like this week), but I think it'll not be anything too heated. She's very easy going, and she does realize it's for the greater good and I'm not doing it to be nasty.

SP1987, I agree with what you say. I find it uncomfortable having to do it, and my OH probably does find it demeaning, but it's necessary. My goal (not much of a one, but hey-ho), is for us to do things as a family, which we cannot afford to do now. I'm not being harsh solely for my own gain, it's for the benefit of the whole household. There'll be plenty time for frivolous spending once we are on a firmer footing. :money:

And when I see some of the posts here (like yours Chesntoots), I feel a bit embarrassed at even starting the thread at all, as my situation is nowhere near as bad as a lot on here. But I didn't seem to be getting anywhere regarding stopping un-necessary spending under my own steam, so thought it best I got a few idea's from people who've done it before.

Thankfully, with the help on here, I can see progress being made. I'm getting the feeling that she's coming more on board even in the time since I started this thread. Hopefully she'll keep it going

Thanks all,

K_K

Chesntoots

You are doing the right thing, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. I wish I'd had your willpower at the first sign of it going pear-shaped - it might have saved my health and my relationship because it only ended up breeding resentment....

Good luck with it all anyway - and there is nothing at all to get embarrassed about. That's why we're all here!!

missrlr

God knows is the short answer when you work it out please let me know! I have tried to get OH on board with sorting out finances, and really thought I had made some progress when he came up with a plan for working overtime and paying back the credit cards after I sent him the weekly mailing from here.
He even cut cards up - however I have discovered that actually this was due to obtaining an amagalmated loan and moving it all to this ... and didn't include the other loan he had already. I need to make sure he has actually stopped the cards completely and cancelled the account (mental note to self)
So Sunday was confession day - he is actually £25k on one loan and £10k on another loan (God help him if there is a credit card too) plus the house on interest only mortgage and zero captial in it at £205k. His overtime has stopped and also there is a high possibility for the job to change meaning a 30% reduction in income

So when you work out the answer can you let me know please? My head hurts from banging on this brick wall.

Kwaker_Knacker

Been a while, so thought I'd post up.

Things have been way better. Without being unreasonable, horrible or nasty, she hasn't exactly had a LBM, but my ideas have had an effect.

We've had the shopping money as usual and mostly stuck to it, but the cashpoint trips have all but dried up. I've hammered the Visa bill, and showed her a spreadsheet of how we could start overpaying the mortgage in a few months once it's cleared, and clear the mortgage possibly in 4 years, maybe less and bingo, the penny seemed to drop.

Visa still has 3 months to clear, but then hopefully we'll both be blasting the overpayments on the mortgage hand in hand....

K_K

caeler

I wondered if it was an ownership issue. When you explained your little chats you implied she'd give you lots of legitimate reasons for the additional expenditure rather than simply accept it needed to be stopped. Sounds like your making progress eitherway. There was a similar post a while back about this: https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3742527 might be worth a read. It is very hard when only one party has had their LBM, makes it all very one sided.

caeler

No it wasn't that thread, it was this one - from a slightly different perspective than yours. https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3777121

determined_new_ms

glad to see you are making headway. If it were me (and it is sometimes) I would have separate accounts. 1 for household expenses where you can only take money out of with the agreement of the other - bills, withdraw weekly shopping budget & debt repayments. Then have 1 account each for spending money - whatever your budget dictates. Then let her spend it as she chooses. There is nothing like blowing your money and having to go a whole month before having any more to help you learn to make better choices for yourself. Its important, imho, to realise that you only have a finite amount of money to spend each month. If I want to buy something at the start of the month that blows my spending money, I have to weigh up if I want that more than anything else for the rest of the month. I have to go through my diary and see what social things I have on/birthday etc and how much each one will cost. When was younger I used to blow all my money when I got it, and then had to go without for the rest of the week. There is only so long you will suffer (read go without food) before learning your lesson. I think unless she learns this lesson for herself you guys will always struggle with finances.

My oh is still the same though, although better than when we first moved in together. Last wednesday he wanted us to go out for a meal. I had to remind him that we have just lent my dd £520 for rent in advance as she had to move and were going away for 2 days the following day so I thought it was best if we just saved the money and used it while we were away. There isn't a bottomless pit of cash!