Getting Your Other Half On Board

Kwaker_Knacker

Firstly let me thank you for all the replies, much appreciated.

Camuk81, I try this every now and again, showing her the bank statement online, showing her the 10's and 20's that have been withdrawn, but there's always an answer "Kids party", "Ran out of washing up liquid", "owed blah blah at work for flowers cos such and such is in hospital" etc etc, you get the idea. It doesn't wash with her that it's not a bottomless pit I have been partly to blame myself at times, as when she's at the supermarket at times I'd get a call saying there were 3 packs of beer for £20 and did I want any, and I'd usually say yes, but I've now seen the error of my ways, and said no when she texted me the other day :T

I think I'm going to have to just get on to her all the time about it until she's sick of it. However, she has a very thick skin regarding things like this (even tho she's a pushover for most other things), and as stubborn and strong willed as I am, I think I'll get sick before she does

I really don't want to take away her bank card (her only card) just yet. I understand where you're coming from with this, but we've had arguments regarding things like this in the past ("You're just trying to control me", "What am I going to work for?", "You just want to treat me like a child" etc etc). What I have said recently tho, is that once we get paid at the end of the month, I'm taking all of our spare money out of the wages, and there'll be nothing left in for using bank cards or nipping to the cash machine for a tenner out, and should anything need to be bought (birthdays, kids party presents etc), she'll have to come and see me and I'll dole out whatever's needed. This way I can keep a much better handle on what is getting spent.

At the minute, we're not massively in debt, but most of our money goes on bills etc (as is the same with most people). But for the last 18 months, we've not really had much what I would call "play" money, where we could go out as a family for a pub meal, or me and the wife have a night out. I've tried to show her that if we curb the silly spends and use the money to hit the Visa bill, in a few months time, we can start to live our lives again. We could go out twice a month for a family meal then, and when I tell her this, her eyes light up and she agrees it's what we all need here, then the next day, maybe another £10 or £20 comes out of the bank and gets spent on rubbish :mad::mad:

I don't want to brainwash her into being a clone of me, just realize what we could have if we just tried a bit harder to be careful.

I'll keep you posted.

Thanks,

K_K

JulieGeorgiana

sueh6 wrote: »

I wish I could be as tough as you! Sadly my 'making a mess of the finances' (I earn x2 as much as he does so kept it to myself thinking I could cope) means that I now have difficulty putting my foot down. We'll be DF in 2 years time (18 months in already) but he sees me being harsh about money as ironic when the only reason we have to be tough with ourselves is because of me - what he fails to realise is that it's because of 'our' spending habits that we're in a mess all I did on my own was not tell him the full extent of the problem.

We now have a situation where I will 'cut a curant in half' rather than spend money but he continues as normal - "I'm 50 years old! Why should I have to worry about spending over £100 on a night out!" he cries - if I'm honest we could be DF far quicker than Dec 2013 if he would realise how much money is wasted

I got into my Debt with my Ex, and my DH got into his Debt on his own! But that is the same thing my EX would never learn... that it was OUR fault we were in debt... all I did was look after the money and not tell him! But where else did he think the money was coming from???

My DH just wanted nice things to show he was 'successful' which is how he got into debt... Until he read a story on a website 'Millionaire next door', well now he has the book too... anyway it's all about real millionaires in the US.

I told this story before, but if you have two people who earn the same, A Dr and A Farmer... which one is the Millionaire?

Answer: The Farmer!

The Dr has to 'keep up appearences' and he has a flashy car, huge house, fancy meals, big holidays. But no money in the bank and no real assets!

The Farmer wears his clothes until he cant, mends and makes do, drives an old jeep, grows veg, barters for goods and has a farm house with no mortgage. And over £Million in the bank!

My point is, since then my DH had his LBM! To be ACTUALLY sucessful you have to mend and make-do and then you can retire to the country early and enjoy life! Now we are debt free with money in the bank... and if I break down and want to spend... he'll stop ME!

I also don't spend 'unbudgeted' money without talking to HIM first!

It all came full circle!

sueh6

FireWyrm wrote: »

It's shocking actually, how much is wasted. Over November/December, because of the Christmas period, I gave him the card, but I neglected to keep a tally. I've just reconciled and we're £1800 out on my estimate. This is because I didn't keep an eye on that months spending! So, first of the month, corrective amount into the spending diary and I'm in sync with the bank again. He still managed to spend £30 between the 1st and the 4th that I didn't authorise! Urgh! And he's relatively well trained now. It takes perseverance OP but I've found that you spend far less time going around in unproductive circles if there is only one captain steering the ship...that's the bottom line.

Absolutely true - and probably the best answer for the OP. I know DH gets annoyed and defensive when I challenge him about money but I won't stop because it's only me being 'tight' that makes him stop and think! He may not like it but I'd rather my budget be as spot on as possible rather than trying to claw it back from another pot because he feels he doesn't need to worry.

Prime example of him not worrying where the money is coming from (and remember we no longer use credit cards) and deciding what we are going to buy - January - new dishwasher (old one broken for 6 months now) - February - 4 new windows. All of this can be budgeted with careful planning (and cutting currants in half) but then he walked in last night and said that he wants to build a new computer and it'll cost money! My response - sit down witha pen and paper and prioritise what you want to do first - D/W, windows or computer and it will be done in that order and there will be no more spending until May once decided.

Strangely enough I haven't heard a whisper about the computer since.......:rotfl:

Tixy

Kwaker - given her comments about trying to control her etc I would instead try to get her to take shared responsibility for the money/spending.
Do you have a spending budget for the household? if so it is in a form you could sit down and discuss with her so that you can both agree the amount you need to spend in each area? If she agrees it up front then maybe she is more likely to 'buy-in' to it?

Could you agree together something to aim for spending wise - but only if you both stick to the budget for the next 6months (if you emphaise both rather than just saying to her she has to stick to it will that help?)

Do you keep a written spending diary? would that help if at the end of the month you agree to both look through what you spent compared to what you had both budgeted for?

JulieGeorgiana

It must be hard. As a woman I feel that being 'controlling' is more acceptable then if I man does it.

Tixy may have a point... a spending diary can be such a shock! maybe it'll get her on board!

Kwaker_Knacker

The most annoying thing about this I suppose, is that she doesn't spend on herself. If she did, and was wandering around in brand new shoes and a wardrobe full of new gear I could understand it a bit more. Like I said earlier, it may be beer for me, or stuff for the kids, but I try to tell her that it's not necessary. There's also been sneaky buying of drink for herself that got a bit out of control, but hopefully has been sorted for a while now.

K_K

sueh6

Perhaps starting a spreadsheet as a diary would also help. If she can buy in to that then she will understand why receipts are so important and once she starts thinking about receipts and updating the spreadsheet you cannot help but think about how much money you are spending and how quickly the budget is reducing! If you are both doing this with you 'captaining the ship', so to speak, perhaps she won't feel as though you are in control??

suki1001

I am a guilty party in this. My spends go on I don't know what at the supermarket. This month i've given myself an allowance. Perhaps have a petty cash tin available. I must admit our spends mainly go on that nights tea, so it adds up hugely. My answers are similar, I needed it for this, that or the other. Guess it must be a source of many an arguement in many a household. I do resent that the household spending is always left down to me, especially as I find it very easy to rain it in. How about making some sort of a deal, where maby twice a month she could go in and have a £15/£20 spend. I should change supermarkets too.

kerri_gt

I understand where OP is coming from (though I am usually the one who does the grocery shopping) but it's very hard to get OH on board unless you have the same goals / priorities. For example, my OH will happily spend £60 on a day in the pub whatching the football when only planning to spend £20 and come home, but won't really see why I have an issue with that. I would rather have saved that money or used it for a planned night out together. On the other hand, OH prob thinks me choosing to spend £60 on an item of clothing is madness.

I would suggest (if you don't already) there is a household account for bills and budgeted items, and you each have your own pocket money account to do with as you wish. Perhaps have a change jar for things like milk and bread so it's not so easy for OH to spend £20 that wasn't planned.

The key is also having OH really understand why you are 'banging' on about overspends.
Perhaps suggest an experiment for a month - put in a jar the cash amount you normally spend on groceries in a month. Agree that milk and bread runs will be just that, and that larger shops need to be done from a list and stuck to - suggest meal planning and batch cooking would be useful too. At the end of the month see what is left - perhaps as an incentive suggest you'll take her out for a meal with the amount left?

Kwaker_Knacker

I tried a spending diary at the beginning of October. She never bothered with it, and I got scared and stopped it after 2 weeks when I saw how fast it was going up and up :rotfl:

I've also tried to involve her in the money side of things in here, again with no success. I've sat her down and showed her my spreadsheet of how much we have coming in, and everything we have going out. She looks at it, I explain when the loan and Visa payments are finished how much we'll have to ourselves and she seems keen, then she never once comes up and says to me that she wants another look at it or any ideas how we could make it even better. I tried to show her how things mount up by showing her the bank statement over the hols, and how £27 here, £36 there etc soon tots up to over £100. She got all miserable, said she wanted to get me nice stuff for Xmas, and have some nice food in for Xmas, but she cannot see my point of view, that the best Xmas present I could have is not to see 20's and 30's flying out on the bank card

She knows we have a weekly shopping figure. I go to Aldi and do the main shop, but then she goes to Heron's, Sainsbury's or Iceland to get "her" stuff (she likes them ready meals). She never goes over the budget with these as I've usually handed her the cash. It's all the other stuff that's getting to me, like I say, £10 here and £20 there.

I'll see how things go once I implement my "cash only" system.

Thanks,

K_K