help with girlfriend

scotsgraeme

I wonder if any of you have any ideas of ways to help persuade my girlfriend to not constantly spend. it's worst if she's ill, has her totm, is tired or has just had a fight with her ex husband or her mother. i'm pretty sure it's an emotional thing "lets buy things that will make me feel better" but its always stuff she doesnt need, sometimes doenst even want.
yesterday it was about a tenner on chocolate, none of which got eaten and is still sitting on the counter.
we're supposed to be moving in together into a house i'm buying, and to cover all the associated costs, i'm basically buying nothing i dont need, and saving every penny. i'm now wondering if it's such a good idea to move in with her, to a house i'll have a chunk of debt for, if she's pretty much just going to spend every penny she earns, on things that arent even remotely needed.
i love her to bits, but don't get the spend spend spend thing.

mrcow

Is she in debt?

If not, then what's the problem? Is she wants to spend the money she earns then is she not entitled to? If you moaned at me spending my own money on some chocolate, I'd tell you to mind your own beeswax.

Person_one

Don't move in together without having a very long serious sit down conversation about your attitudes to money and how you want to manage the finances in the future.

Its so important to be on the same page or at least to be able to agree to disagree.

whitewing

It would be much worse if she spent all that on chocolate and ate it!

Move in together, you may have more influence when you have a more shared lifestyle. Keep communicating though.

scotsgraeme

she is in debt, and in a trust deed thing. all that debt was from her prev marriage where she bought clothes all the time when she was down. the point of us moving into this house was to get our expenses down, and be able to afford to do things together, but if i'm the only one saving then we wont do things together.

Shoshannah

I find that if I have a temptation to buy something as a 'treat' to myself after a bad day or whatever, often just browsing for the item, but walking out without buying it still seems to satisfy the need. By the time I've got home, I've forgotten about it.

It's more the act of shopping for the item, as opposed to buying it, that helps me.

Doesn't work every time, and I'm not saying it would work for everyone anyway.

Odette

She obviously buys things when shes unhappy. Have you asked her if shes ok?

Blue_Elephant

Does she recognise that it's a problem when she isn't hormonal/ill/upset? If so could you ask her to set herself a budget of say, £50 per month to spend when she is feeling like that? It means that she doesn't feel trapped into feeling that she can't for example, buy chocolate, but there is a limit on it?

Valli

scotsgraeme wrote: »

I wonder if any of you have any ideas of ways to help persuade my girlfriend to not constantly spend. it's worst if she's ill, has her totm, is tired or has just had a fight with her ex husband or her mother. i'm pretty sure it's an emotional thing "lets buy things that will make me feel better" but its always stuff she doesnt need, sometimes doenst even want.

well you seem to have a real handle on this so you (and she) need to have a chat when it's NOT an emotional/stressful time and see if you can get HER to realise what she's doing.
Then you need to work on some strategies to avoid the trigger situations.


Start here

DUTR

scotsgraeme wrote: »

I wonder if any of you have any ideas of ways to help persuade my girlfriend to not constantly spend. it's worst if she's ill, has her totm, is tired or has just had a fight with her ex husband or her mother. i'm pretty sure it's an emotional thing "lets buy things that will make me feel better" but its always stuff she doesnt need, sometimes doenst even want.
yesterday it was about a tenner on chocolate, none of which got eaten and is still sitting on the counter.
we're supposed to be moving in together into a house i'm buying, and to cover all the associated costs, i'm basically buying nothing i dont need, and saving every penny. i'm now wondering if it's such a good idea to move in with her, to a house i'll have a chunk of debt for, if she's pretty much just going to spend every penny she earns, on things that arent even remotely needed.
i love her to bits, but don't get the spend spend spend thing.

If the tables were turned your major responses would be very different, let me tell you how it is, DON'T MOVE IN, like others say it is her money to spend as she wishes, if she wants to dig herslef into a hole, you need not be dragged down into it, strappy lad like you should soon find somebody with less baggage to deal with, at present the long term doesn't look rosy, you both obviously share different values, not a good base for long term, why did she split from her hubby?

scotsgraeme

he left her for someone else. and as for things being less stressful, that wont be any time soon, as he's now fighting for custody of their daughter, and that's not going to be a quick process.
it's easy for an outsider to see what's going on with her, i'm just not sure she sees it, and i'd like to help her but i cant see any way to do it without getting her more stressed out.