Planning on leaving - things I should be doing before I do

Buddingblonde

Thanks people - loyality cards are mine all mine and yes I was also shocked that anyone would claim their ex was dead officially - that comes under the remit of lying and it might just come true and then youll be sorry.

I have started bagging up clothes and belongings into the empty suitcases that are under our bed and have put a huge amount of stuff out for the charity and the tip. I have also cleared off my credit card with my half of the savings and have moved what is left into my account leaving just his in the joint account (the account is actually in my name and I will transfer the rest when I tell him I am going).

Another day of OH in bed til 3pm - gave me plenty of time to toddle round and sort things. We are in sep rooms at the moment so it was as if I had the house to myself. SD got up at 4pm. Didnt bother doing the housework as the place is a sh*tehole and it is always me who has to clean. SD is now very upset that her jeans and top havent been washed as she wanted to wear them tonight. Explained that she knows how to use the washing machine and that I am not psychic. She has dowsed them with perfume and worn them anyway.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'd be inclined to get the rental sorted and then announce and go there and then. No hanging around for further nastiness.

Oh, and make sure you have a new contact number/email if you think you're going to get bombarded with texts, calls and messages. You can leave your existing phone on straight to voicemail or just swap straight over.


Don't forget sentimental items - ornaments, pictures, etc - as you won't get them back after you leave.

AnnaLicious_2

Assume the worst of his behaviour. I had 3 days to 'vacate' after I split with my ex. It was 5, but then he said 3 and told me to sleep in my car.

Luckilly, I had already gone through clothes and sorted out good from charity shop. I had taken out an escape bank loan of £3k, which covered me. My paperwork was all together in one bag.

Look for a temporary place to stay. Have the number for the housing office handy, so you can register as homeless. Start looking on rightmove.co.uk, as most rentals you will get a date in a month's time to move in. Make sure you have enough money for first & last months rent plus the £300 agents fee. See if you can stay with friends/family for a month, or find a b&b you can stay in for a month.

When you buy a new tv, if you haven't changed your details with the bank or tv license people, that can go all sticky. I got a new tv, they used my bank's billing address for me, and I ended up with a series of vile emails from the ex thinking I was trying to scam his tv license. He was a class act.

Get a 2nd pay as you go phone, start giving everyone that number as you may need to change yours depending on how vicious the divorce gets.

The most important things are money, housing, and all your essential documents. Everything else - photos, personal effects, are secondary.

Good luck. It's so hard, but just take one day at a time.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Oh yes, and set up your mail redirection beforehand - your card needs to be registered at the original address for them to accept it online - so again, having an address in advance of leaving is a very good idea.

Buddingblonde

Thanks for all that - it helps when your mind is racing with a million and one thoughts for there to be people out there who can help you see the important things.

I havent told anyone in real life yet - it seems as if I need to get things sorted in my head and my plan in place before I can bring myself to verbalise it and make it real. Everything seems very very surreal and it is as if I am on autopilot and I have completely tuned out of my life.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Keep cool and calm about it. It won't be easy, especially when you are almost there and he is driving you to thoughts of violence or at least of shouting at him you are leaving him, but you are in control of your life and, despite what anyone might say, it's cleaner, quicker and ultimately, safer, to have everything in place and then just go.

paulwellerfan

OP how long have you got before you go?
just think of the things you did when you moved in, only quicker and in reverse
rent, gas eletric.etc.
get your name off all the bills
inform the council tax as well
( i did this many years ago on a moon light flit for a manic ex, you dont need to change your name do you, like i did)

Buddingblonde

I have as long as I want/need - OH is a placid laid back sort who would never in a month of sundays raise a hand and he is a huffer rather than a shouter and bawler. That is why I owe it to both of us to make this as easy and straightforward as possible.

Yes, there is part of me that could shout, bawl, scream, yell, cry but truth be told it wouldnt achieve anything and I think that sometimes there is nothing left to do other than end the relationship. I am unhappy, he is unhappy, we no longer have a shared life other than living together. 9 years is a long time and a lot longer than many relationships last and we have no children together so why prolong the agony of being lonely in a relationship rather than being alone.

Another day of clearing out and sorting - he and SD are still in bed so I have pottered round, spliting things into piles of mine and his and putting them back onto the shelves so that when I go I have just to lift my pile. A small change but nothing that would tip him off I am getting away.

I have emailed about a few properties this morning - there is a flat half a mile away which is nearer to work for me (we both work locally) but I am concerned about taking a year lease. I am worried that I may not be here that long.

I have ordered a tax credit pack for OH to complete when I leave. I will give it to him when I am going along with the savings and anything else outstanding that he needs to deal with.

Yorkie1

Re. the 1 year lease - check whether it has a break clause in it and, if so, what its terms are. Some leases allow you to leave at or after a certain point (usually 6 months) upon the appropriate notice having been given.

Buddingblonde

I have never privately rented before - only through a housing association so that is useful to know thanks.