Do I tell my brother that we've got a 1/2 brother?

jet77

Hi,

I'm a bit stuck and was wondering if anyone could give me any advice.

I found out about 5 years ago that my Dad had fathered another child (boy) that he paid maintenance on until I was 2. I'm now 29 so I guess he would be about 45/47ish. All I know is that it was a mistake and frowned upon and it was agreed best that no contact was maintained. I was told that if I ever mentioned it again I would be disowned from the family.

I have a brother who's 8 years younger than me that I'm very close to despite him living in Ireland. I've always felt terrible that I haven't told him and it has often played on my mind over the years or when I'm with my brother I want to tell him but don't know how. When I found out it blew my head for a bit as my father has always stood the moral high ground and been very judgemental.

My relationship breakdown turned nasty over Xmas and my expartner (who was there when I found out) rang my Dad and made a comment about how a man with a 40 year old son should have more sense. My Dad then made a comment to a police officer in front of me about how my ex had said something personal to him - so I think my Dad knows I know.

We are going to see my brother on Sat and I want to say something but my Mums paying for me to go over and would be devestated if I do.

Please help!!

Luv Jxxx

skylight

How would you feel if you found out that your brother knew for these years but hadn't told you?

Although telling him on this trip your Mum is paying for is probably not the best thing to do - you Mum must have spent years ignoring/hiding this issue.

And do you intend to search out your half brother?

Personally - I would tell my brother and hunt out the half brother and take things from there.

bluebell13

Hi. What a difficult situation. Personally I feel that keeping secrets does more harm than good. I feel that your brother should know and then he has the choice of whether to get in contact or ignore the issue. At least then you could talk to each other about it which is an option you didnt have.

All the best whatever you decide.

seven-day-weekend

Yes, your brother has a right to know.

Your parents don't have to know that he knows however - at least not straight away.

If you try to find the half-brother please be aware that it may be news to him too, and that he may not feel ready for a relationship straight away.

Good luck!

dora37

You could tell your Mum and Dad that you know - and that you think your brother should also know.

Say that you will give them to the chance to tell him, however if they don't then you will.

Their secret is comprimising your relationship with your brother.

The only thing you don't know though, is how your brother will react to the news.

Good luck.

Counting_Pennies_2

All I would say is be careful when you tell him.

From his age, he could be in the middle of important studies or getting started in his career.

Make sure when you tell him he is able to go off the rails if he needs to without jeopodising an important part of his life, and with adequate support around him.

inkie

Difficult one this! I personally would want to be told - I think that it is wrong to not be open and honest about things, because then you start wondering what other things have been hidden, and basically means that you have been intentionally deceived (no matter how good the intentions were) by you parents.
Family life can be complicated at times - I wish you luck!

victory

I think you have to tell your brother, he will then be allowed to make his own decisions aS to what to do with the information but not telling him will only cause long term deception..trouble ....and the truth always will out....if you left it and he found out you knew....he is really not going to be too pleased? xxx

Mumstheword

I'd want to know.

I'd start by explaining to him that there's something you know and think he has the right to know too.
That as time goes by you have considered how to tell him, but it has taken you until now to be confident enough to speak about it despite being asked to mention it to no-one.

I'd ask him not to mention to anyone that he knows just yet. You could suggest that you keep it between yourselves until you decide whether you wish to trace him together.

Above all, reassure him that you are there to support him and would love to rely on his support too.

:)

Lillibet_2

I don't have any brothers or sisters so difficult to put myself in your position, however, as an only child, I have occasionally had suspicians that there may be a half sibling out there who I know nothing about. I have no soild grounds for my suspician & have no intentions of approaching my parents on the matter, but I must admit I would rather know if there is soemone out there. Of course, your half borther may not be in this position but worth considering his side of things too I think?
Also my son is an only child but he has a half brother from his dad's previous relationship. We don't plan to keep this a secret from him, even though we have no contact with the other child. We think as his family we owe him honesty.

It won't be the same for everyone but this is my/our take on such matters.

Good luck whatever you decide int his difficult matter.

Loretta

Not quite the same situation, I was adopted and found my birth family in Ireland about 10 years ago, after waiting so long I found them in about 20 minutes!

What I found is there is no such thing as a secret, someone always knows something, you get a feeling, at a family get together, wedding, funeral, someone gets drunk, has a row or whatever and things are overheard. People hear things when they are very young which they do not understand and hear something again as an adult and realise.

I don't know how you found out but I wonder if your brother may have heard something too. I also believe that secrets cause nothing but trouble because people know a bit, get the wrong end of the stick and are upset by it and then are scared that their secret will be found out. Something that was a very big secret years ago can actually be quite trivial nowadays.

You seem very close to your brother and the fact you are wondering whether to tell him and it is obviously worrying you and you think keeping this secret will spoil your relationship with him I think that this is the moment to tell him what you know.

This is not your secret and your behaviour is not the cause of the secret. You have no responsibility to keep this secret although you should not try and hurt the people involved by telling this secret, which I can see you are not doing. Your brother is entitled to know and you need to share this secret with him as it seems you need some support as keeping the secret is making you anxious. The decision what to do next would then be up to your brother and you to decide and there is no rush to do anything.

Things were very different all those years ago and that is the way things were done then. I expect if this comes out you will find lots of people that you know or work with who like me have a variation on the story it is not at all unusual, but keeping it to yourself is causing you unnecessary worry.

I know the fact that your mother is paying your fare is making you feel guilty about using this trip to tell your brother but if you were paying for yourself you would be feeling guilty about something else! You know your brother better than anyone. Could you keep it between yourselves for now or even for ever? Once you two know it doesn't mean anyone else needs to know that you know, one step at a time.

Whoever in your family told you you would be disowned if you told anyone was panicking, and just shows that secrets are a bad thing.