Do I tell my brother that we've got a 1/2 brother?

Zoetoes

Hi

My mum told me about 6 years ago that we (my sister and me) have a half brother 1 year older than my sister. My dads son that he never saw.

To be honest, it's hardly affected me, I told my sister and she said we should have been told a long time ago, he lives nearby (although we don't know him) and she could have gone out with him or something as he's around her age!
Her first reaction was to get in touch with him but I didn't want to, as far as we know he never knew he was adopted and if he does know now then he could find us if he wanted to, I didn't want to upset his life.

My dad doesn't know we know and he wouldn't want us to know I don't think.

Anyway, I'm just saying neither me or my sister are particularly affected by it and I think you should tell your brother because you know about it. He might not be that bothered by it.

ALWAYS_POOR

zoeleigh wrote:

To be honest, it's hardly affected me, I told my sister and she said we should have been told a long time ago, he lives nearby (although we don't know him) and she could have gone out with him or something as he's around her age!

DH has three half sisters which are a closely guarded secret that his two brothers know nothing about. It is never talked about although my family knows about them. I know that they live very close to us. As zoeleigh says, it could become a problem if relationships between our/their children started, for all I know they could even have gone to the same schools.

However, it is really none of my business and a part of my father-in-law's life that he has chosen to keep private. We only found out accidentally.

hilstep2000

I know just how your mum feels, it happened to me. My husband had an affair with my so-called "best friend". The baby she had a month before my son was born turned out to be my husbands'.
He paid maintenance for a while, but never wanted any contact. I always swore I would never tell my children, and I didn't intend to.
However, my husband and I eventually got divorced, (ten years later) and as he was saying things about me to our daughter (who was then 13) I told her. She was disgusted with him. I asked her not to tell her brother, as he was only 10 at the time.
This year, my son was moaning about going to live with his dad (he's now 16) and I told him too, (mainly to make him realise that his father has feet of clay and is not the perfect man he thinks he is.)
My daughter has said she doesn't want anything to do with her half-sister, my son has refused to talk about it since. I certainly don't want her turning up on my doorstep looking for her father, I'll shut the door in her face.
Now you'll probably all condem me as a heartless woman, but the heartache this caused me when I had a six-week old baby, can never be forgiven or forgotten.
I'm sure your mum and dad would have told you and your brother,if they'd thought it for your own good, they obviously didn't, and I can understand why.

LouBlue

This is a difficult situation with no easy answer.

My dad told me introduced me to my half brother AND half sister, when I was 20, they were 12 and 14 and he was still with my mother at the time and with the mother of the other 2! So big surprises all round.....He asked me not to tell my mum or my 2 sisters until he was ready! I was in a hideous situation! Luckily he told them not too soon after and obviously it all kicked off and my mum got rid of him. But I would have never kept that from my sisters and my mum. If he hadn't told them, I would have. Obviously my situation was different but the point I am making is, these things always come out so its best coming from you and good luck with getting in touch with your half brother.

Loretta

Like I said there is no such thing as a secret someone always knows and someone - eventually - will always tell, it would damage your relationship with your brother, with whom you seem very close, if he found out that you knew and didn't tell him, he is 21, grown up, and has previously been said, he may not be that bothered, but knowing you kept him from him I think that would bother him.

Zziggi

jet77 wrote:

When I found out it blew my head for a bit as my father has always stood the moral high ground and been very judgemental.

That behaviour is always a dead giveaway isn't it?

Just after my eldest child was born I found out that my father was adopted. I had been chatting to my "grandma" about newborns and in conversation I happened to ask her what my dad weighed at birth and a couple of other questions and she avoided answering me directly. I don't know what it was, but a gut reaction made me apply for his birth certificate. When i found out it totally blew my mind away. i couldn't believe it except for the fact i had the proof in front of me. I then applied for other paperwork and found out his birth mother's name. I tracked her down by taking a few gueses and a few lucky breaks (like her old house had next door neighbours who had lived there 50 years and could tell me exactly where she moved to!). Anyway i tracked her down and met her on 2 occasions.

I then had the dilemma of whether to tell my sibling. I decided to tell them, as a coward by e-mail. My sibling was pleased i told them but not bothered in the slightest and that was the end of the matter. I was worried my sibling would confront my dad but they didn't. I guess the fact you don't know HOW your sibling will react is the most worrying part of it. It's a toughie.

The matter has NEVER EVER been discussed with any other member of the family or my dad. Except I was delirious after an emergency operation some time afterwards and i blurted it out to my dad that i knew and he should have told me. He apparently said (although i have no recollection, my DH tells me...) that he said he would talk to me later when i was better. However the subject has never been mentioned and I am not going to bring the matter up because it is clearly a very very difficult subject for him. He is a man that has hidden this secret for so long, I am worried of what would happen if he had to face up to it. I don't feel i need to discuss it with him.

It's a tough situation. Sad for everyone. For me personally it was the fact it was a secret that i feel hurt by. No-one told me, not even for medical reasons. This i feel particually upset about because while pregnant with my eldest, i gave the hospital medical information about my adopted grandparents and they ran tests that were unecessary based on that information. I place no blame on ANYONE in the situation for the adoption itself though. I have some information of the circumstances of the adoption and no-one can blame the individuals caught up in how life was in the 1940s. I have see the paperwork relating to this from my dad's birth mother. In some way i wish i could discuss it with him because i have information about his borth and adoption that would probably make him view the whole situation differently and maybe make him feel better about the whole thing. It's the continued secret that is the hurtful aspect.

gravitytolls

I think I'd find it hard to keep quiet, especially if I were close to my bro, as you are.

To be honest, I'd be inclined to take the view that this shoudln't have to be your secret, and that he has as much righ tto know aboiut this as you.

Do be gentle though, in the telling. He's younger than you, and likely to feel the same feelings of anger. As you are aware, this is pretty destructive really. Also point out the threat of disownment, and ask him to keep it to himself while he comes to terms with it.

Really, I think you can only go with your gut instinct here. This is amajor developement in your life, and not one you should have to cope with on your own.

arthur_dent_2

I don't know the answer but I do know that I would want you to tell me if I were your sister. hope that helps.

skystar

Jet77, this is a really difficult one as it's not really your secret to tell but I know if my sister knew something like this I would want to know.

I found out last year that a close cousin of mine has a half brother that she believes is her uncle and I *feel* she has a right to know but it's not really my place to tell.

Also, my husband and I recently found out that his son's (who is nearly 11) mother had another child last year (she has another two kids as well). So my stepson now has a half-sister he knows nothing about and three siblings he has no contact with at all.

My husband decided it was best not to tell him however I am unsure if this is wise as I don't want us to look like the "bad guys" in the future for keeping secrets

Anyway, no real answer but whatever happens I hope everything is ok for you and your brother.

RadoJo

As the others have said, this is such a personal thing, but if I was in your shoes I would tell - if your brother finds out, and realises that you knew, he could be angry and hurt, and why should your relationship suffer because of your father's mistakes?

Having said that, my relationship with my father is strained at best and actively destructive at worst, and this is precisely because of things he has tried to keep from my brothers and I. I decided early on that I would not suffer myself becuase of his inadequacies, and if he couldn't face up to his actions, then I would not allow my relationship with my brothers to be compromised because of anything he had done. Knowing about this situation does not mean you are responsible for it, but not telling your brother means you are putting yourself in the position of a guilty party.

Also, he is 21 - hardly an age where he needs to be protected from the truth(purely from an age point of view). Judging by the timing in your posts, you were only a little older than him when you found out, but you have obviously coped with the news, so maybe your reservations about telling him are based on your own desire not to rock the boat?