What to do?

meritaten

Seanymph wrote: »

He's 15 - 16 in April.

Yes, he knows what things cost - I funded a horse for him for over two years, as a family we are open about money, and he is aware of what his two step sisters earn and how hard they work....... he won't need a student loan, it isn't a degree course he won't get onto A levels his grades aren't good enough.

He has had an allowance of £10 a week for about four years now - out of which he has to fund all of his personal expenditure. He also gets one £10 phone top up a month.

So he needs to earn money to get nice things (apart from hobbies, which I fund).

well he may be aware of how hard other people in the family work - but he has had an easy ride so far hasnt he?

you have funded him a horse
he doesnt need a student loan
he has an allowance
you top up his phone
you fund his hobbies

why on earth should he work???????????????? when YOU make his life so easy?

Seanymph

Thankyou again. If I miss anyone I'm sorry - I have read everything and it all helps.

Sleepy his Dad doesn't deal much with the frontline stuff - it was a set up he had in his first marriage, and he sort of expected us to run to the same set of responsibilities, I don't mind that so generally I am at home and deal with the kids/school and he works. Last night I expected him to talk to SS but he 'couldn't bear to even talk to him' - so he didn't.

SavvySue no, I have two girls - who have had part time jobs since they were 14...... boys are a different breed I'm learning.

I have kept it about the job here - The rest on here was just me sounding off, as an adult, and a step at that, it builds for you when it feels all one way for so long. It isn't, that he's all round awful - most of the time he's lovely, yesterday he went and fixed an elderly neighbours light because she caught him hoovering the car and didn't want to climb a ladder. It says something for him that at 15 the neighbours will ask him that over the fence and know he'll go and do it. In many ways I couldn't be prouder of him.

I guess it's that 'growing up' into responsibilities thing that I've struggled with - he will happily spend all day working alongside me doing things he enjoys, but if it's a job he doesn't fancy I keep coming upon him doing something different....... mind you, we are all a bit like that

He ended yesterday cleaning every window in the house inside and out, and today will be working too because he should have been at his job........ I am much calmer though today, in no small part to the support and thoughts, they all help - so thankyou ladies.

And your right Cat, I do have really high expectations, I'm not going to lower them though. Eventually he'll get there.

meritaten we do fund a lot, but the allowance is to try and get them to budget and appreciate the value, he has to fund a lot out of his £10 a week, for the girls that motivated them to work, because they spend that on clothing and make up a week....... he's happy to own two t shirts and one pair of trainers so it's 'enough' to cope - but I can't lower it, because that isn't fair, and with 5 kids between us we work hard at 'fair'.

He'll get there I know. But yesterday I was VERY cross indeed. Fired! Silly boy. I can't believe he still thinks he'll get away with such rubbish lies, he's useless at them, his sister works there - and he never told her what he'd said - she said to me last night that she'd have covered for him if he'd told her, but he never mentioned it, so when they asked about the doctors she said 'what doctor?

Well, I haven't brained him anyway............ let's hope he has his working hands on today though - his paternal grandad is here for christmas so he will spend the day with me getting the house ready. Going to work would have been a doddle by comparison.

Lunar_Eclipse

Seanymph wrote: »

He just shrugs.

A couple of things jump out at me.

Firstly, the shrugging and laziness. It's an act. Perhaps because he is scared to try in case he fails (compared to his sisters?) and/or because he is deeply hurt by something (friendship issues, body issues, parental separation etc.)

Secondly, I think once he finds something that motivates him (a brainy girlfriend would help hugely!), he'll be a changed person. I would focus my efforts on finding what makes him tick. Is he bored at school? It really sounds like a possibility to me. Gifted students often fail and you have mentioned a couple of things (horses, flute) that suggest this could be the case. I'd be trying to find hobbies that he does actually want to do, although this is also an ideal age for experimenting, so does it really matter that he gave flute up after 6 months? Maybe he'd now like to try guitar, or drama and then pottery and streetdance 6 months after that when he's bored once again. It's not always a bad thing not to persist with hobbies, we find what we truly love by trying loads of things.

I'm not going to comment on discipline. I'd deal with issues like stealing money as they happen. My main focus would be on the longer term, so I'd be having a few big heart to hearts. He is fortunate in that he has options and support but is choosing to fail. I'd start discussing why, making it very clear that his successes or failures in life have little effect on you, but a lot on his own quality of life. Whilst I'm a firm believer in it never being too late to study, does he understand the options available to him with 5 poor GCSE's vs 12 A*s?

It's frustrating, but I think he'll come around.

Lunar_Eclipse

Seanymph wrote: »

I don't think he has angst about his mum. He misses her still, but he's alright where he is.

You might be right, you know him better than any of us here, but I would be very surprised if her death didn't affect him hugely, in terms of the way he perceives everything, on a daily basis. I suspect he might have a different concept of the value & joy of life, fairness and death than most teenagers, before considering the emotional and family consequences.

I'd also try a few more 'I love yous', the teenage boys I know use these words with their mums (which I know you're not trying to be) far more than the girls. Or lots of hugs; I think teenagers are akin to toddlers in their need for reassurance.

Cat501

Seanymph wrote: »

Thankyou again. If I miss anyone I'm sorry - I have read everything and it all help



I guess it's that 'growing up' into responsibilities thing that I've struggled with - he will happily spend all day working alongside me doing things he enjoys, but if it's a job he doesn't fancy I keep coming upon him doing something different....... mind you, we are all a bit like that



And your right Cat, I do have really high expectations, I'm not going to lower them though. Eventually he'll get there.


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sorry I haven't worked out multi-quoting yet - but lol, you're right there, there's always something more appealing that a job you hate doing! For me it's coffee and the pc:rotfl: so at least he's doing something, he does sound like a really good kid in most ways I have to say! Do you think he'd come and clean my windows?:D

As for the high expectations - I had them - but then I realised my kids were going to do what they wanted to do, be who they wanted to be, make their own mistakes and have their own successes. I can't live my life through them, wanting them to achieve what i didn't and regretted. As long as they're happy and decent human beings - that's all that really counts. Despite his silly mistake, your SS has clearly got a good heart. That's an achievement that you, your husband, and his late mother can be proud of and take credit for:)

Seanymph

Ah bless you all.

Of course he will have feelings about losing his mum, I'm not belittling that at all - I'm just saying he isn't angst about it. He misses her, we talk about her, he visits the grave, he's done the courses, made the memory box. But it was 8 or so years ago - it's left a hole, but he's got a stable, loving, supportive home with two parents who care for him and set boundaries and limitations and who go into bat for him.

So although I wouldn't dream of thinking 'it doesn't bother him' I dont' think 'he's done this because 8 years ago his mum died'.

And today has been a good day

meritaten

I really am sorry to say this hun, cos you come across as such a lovely person and stepmother - but you really ARE making life too easy for him!
Set rules and stick by them!
he is too old for the naughty step unfortunately - but he does seem to 'get away' with too much!
he is approaching adulthood and with his attitude - he is going to come unstuck! you know that - that is why you are posting!
I really do see only one way forward - every time he steals from you - you remove a priveledge, phone first, then sell a horse perhaps to repay his debt? he MUST learn that one does NOT steal or lie or expect others to put up with this indolence!
and making excuses for his behaviour doesnt help him - he is BEHAVING very badly and needs to know that there are CONSEQUENCES!

Savvy_Sue

Seanymph wrote: »

meritaten we do fund a lot, but the allowance is to try and get them to budget and appreciate the value, he has to fund a lot out of his £10 a week, for the girls that motivated them to work, because they spend that on clothing and make up a week....... he's happy to own two t shirts and one pair of trainers so it's 'enough' to cope - but I can't lower it, because that isn't fair, and with 5 kids between us we work hard at 'fair'.

Two things here: one is that if he doesn't 'need' to get a job, or if he doesn't perceive that he 'needs' to get a job, then why should he?

DS1 and DS2 both started paper rounds when they were 13, DS1 stopped his when he was 15 after a couple of 'incidents' and had a couple of years without a job before he got one at the local cinema. DS2 kept up his Sunday morning round until he went to Uni, and he also worked at the local cinema once he was old enough. But DS3 thought paper rounds were FAR too much like hard work, and as he didn't want to go on school ski trips or the like, he really didn't 'need' the money, plus he could always earn it by doing extra jobs at home ('over and above' jobs, I hasten to add!)

DS3 is still a lazy so and so, but he has followed his brothers into the cinema job, and he's doing well there. It's not in his nature to work for the sake of it, but he knows what things cost now he's at Uni - do you realise how much MEAT costs???? :rotfl: - and 'cuts his coat according to his cloth', which is really all I can ask.

The other is this notion of 'fairness'. I've mentioned before that DS1 has a very well developed sense of INjustice. He's a lovely lad now, but he used to be a nightmare. He thought I ought to make life fair for him, only fair from his point of view was for him to get exactly what he wanted, and hang the consequences for everyone else. Once I twigged this, I said to him "No, my job as a parent is NOT to make life 'fair' for you. My job as a parent is to make you realise that Life is UNfair, deal with it."

I'm not saying you should cut his allowance - actually I don't think you should - BUT I don't think we should get too hung up on notions of what's fair or unfair. Heck, he already knows that life is unfair, it's NOT fair that your mum dies when you're so young, it's just not. But then again, he's got you, and you sound terrific, and what exactly did he do to deserve you? Nothing. So that's hardly fair either, he might have got a REALLY wicked (as in evil, not cool!) stepmother.

Seanymph wrote: »

Going to work would have been a doddle by comparison.

:rotfl: and one day soon he'll realise that!

meritaten wrote: »

I really do see only one way forward - every time he steals from you -

to be fair, Seanymph I think said that this wasn't a recent problem, but one they had had in the past, and one which I think is quite common.

GobbledyGook

What has he been using his wages for?

Could it be the loss of the extra independance and trips and goodies that working allowed him will be the best way of showing that it is worth working hard?

My brother-in-law was a lazy wee sod when he was younger. Then he got a job that lasted a few months and enjoyed the extra trips to the cinema, posher cosmetics and the general freedom to just decided to do something with his mates off the cuff. Then he got lazy and got sacked. He only lasted in lazy mode for a month before getting a new job. None of the nagging was half as effective as "Sorry, you've had your allowance" combined with a lack of wages meant he had cheap toiletries and no bowling with his mates.