What to do?

Seanymph

Thanks everyone - I keep cross posting!

He was on 50% allowance for a while. He was booked onto a school trip to go abroad, got involved in a fight and wasn't allowed to go. We lost our deposit and I deducted it from his pocket money at £5 a week.

He just shrugs.

I sound a harridan - I'm not - nor is his dad - but we want to teach our kids (all 5!) responsibility for themselves and give them skills to see them into adulthood. If you do something generally there are consequences.

I just don't feel that losing his job (a job he apparently didn't want) is a consequence enough today. And whilst I have no idea what his dad will do - often we aren't on the same page - so it will take negotiation I think. I just don't have any ideas.

Currently he is cleaning out my car - I asked to see what school work he had done today - got a sullen look and 'nothing, I've been THINKING' so I've sent him out to clean the car. At least that's useful.

JustinCredibleGillespie

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! This actually sounds like a brother of mine. The world owes him approach.

I have to say my bothers attitude soon changed once my mother had enough of his [EMAIL="!!!!"]!!!![/EMAIL] & sent him out to the big bad world at 18 to survive. Hes turning 21 now and it was the best thing she ever did.

Whatever you do, be stern. If all else fails I would tell him you cannot wait for his 18th birthday to arrive, the dole queue is long & pityful and that seems the direction hes heading in unfortunately

I really do hope he can sort himself out.

JCG

xx

Seanymph

Thats exactly it Justin!

I've just screeched unfortunately (not a good look) about expectations and about how he expects us to fund college for two years, but doesn't meet expectations about doing someting to contribute to supporting himself. He acts like he's totally isolated - nothing he does affects anyone else - he doesn't have to do the same as everyone. My OH doesn't like his job - but he does it to support us.

SS doesn't seem to understand at all.

I tried to say that we have driven him back and forwards, YD got him the job - and him just trashing it devalues all that and hurts people.

He went back to hoovering.

I feel like i'm wasting my breath I truly do. But I haven't given up - I want to try and instill some sort of moral code in the lad. I just am running out of ideas...

peachyprice

Where's his mum, ymph?

He sounds like a destructive and lost boy.

pukkamum

This could have been me at this age!
I was a bit of a tea leaf, had money out of my mum's purse, shoplifting etc.
I had a job at 15 that my friend got for me, i hated it, really really hated it, so i just left, no notice no phone call i just stopped going.
I didn't even think about my friend or my employer i just didn't want to go and i was far too shy to tell them and worried they would talk me into staying and i really didn't want to.
I would sleep til 2/3 o'clock on Sundays.
I was also quite a loner, spent a lot of time in my room listening to The Smiths and Leonard Cohen!!!!

I did not try at all at school, i was very bright but just not interested, i failed all my mocks but passed 9 G.c.s.e.'s with quite good marks (C and above), without even trying i did no revision whatsoever.

I left school and started college (i liked children so did a childcare course) that was when i grew up, i enjoyed my course and made new friends, got myself a part time job i liked and sailed through college (although the old laziness would kick in every so often).

Sorry i'm waffling but basically i'm saying don't worry too much i am now 35 with 3 kids worked full time (2 jobs) from leaving college and no longer steal ha ha ha.

I don't know why i was the way i was but i was never a bad person i was always well liked although i will say during my stealing lazy non-working period i was sometimes a bit depressed so perhaps he may be a little too? HTH x

Seanymph

see pukka that's what I reckon will happen - the course is agricultural mechanical engineering - he'll sail it......... he's personable, likeable - I get almost daily compliments from people (the checkout woman in Lidl yesterday) about how well behaved he is and how much he helps - the neighbours love him, he does their hedges.....

It's how he got away with being so rubbish at school, he sort of went 'under the radar'.

Peachy his mum's dead. She died when he was about 8. He's lived with me for four and half years now (obviously with his dad too).

I have been supported by winstons wish, and he has done a residential course with a local bereaved children's charity, and he turns down counselling.

JustinCredibleGillespie

The penny will drop, although it could be a while.

Especially when all his mates will be doing the things they want, May it be.... playing football, playing the xbox, and because of his actions he'll be stuck in the house. If he ever steals from you again, tell him your are calling the police & your also inform all the family members re his behaviour.

JCG

xx

peachyprice

Seanymph wrote: »

Peachy his mum's dead. She died when he was about 8. He's lived with me for four and half years now (obviously with his dad too).

I have been supported by winstons wish, and he has done a residential course with a local bereaved children's charity, and he turns down counselling.

I though that's what you would say. I can't help thinking this is as the root of it. Does he openly talk about her? Does he know it's OK to miss her and that you know you're never going to replace her?

It's diffuclt, he can't go through life using that as an excuse for poor behavious, but at the same time it must be having a profound effect on his feeling of self worth.

Eight must be a terrible age to lose your mum, old enough to miss her but too young to understand the emotions you're feeling.

Seanymph

The police threat was there last time and I haven't caught him since.

I'm sure he will straighten out - I'm moaning for support because today is a bad day, but believe me normally we are fine, I just can't seem to get him to step up. He'll help out, has got up to leave the house at 8am twice this week to run his sister to work with me and then accompany me shopping or on chores..........

It's just the grafting. He seem to have no graft chip installed.

Seanymph

peachyprice wrote: »

I though that's what you would say. I can't help thinking this is as the root of it. Does he openly talk about her? Does he know it's OK to miss her and that you know you're never going to replace her?

It's diffuclt, he can't go through life using that as an excuse for poor behavious, but at the same time it must be having a profound effect on his feeling of self worth.

Eight must be a terrible age to lose your mum, old enough to miss her but too young to understand the emotions you're feeling.

Any age is awful to lose your mum I guess. He doesn't talk about her as much, but sure we all talk about her - I take him to visit the grave if he wants, we've been several times (it's a couple of hours away). He had a picture of her in his room last time I noticed ..... 'Never replace her' - well, we've had that chat. He calls me 'mum' to other people. It's easier, saves him having to explain who I am. The first time he was on the phone and said 'I'll give you to my mum' I nearly fell over. We've talked it through - he uses it as short hand. I'm doing the job. If i had an office in the house the name plate would say 'mum of the family' . He doesn't call me mum to me. But if a dentist says 'I'll get your mum to sign this' we don't miss a beat.

He put 'excllent report mummy is really proud' on his facebook and his mums brother said 'has their been a reincarnation or have you been adopted' back. He deleted the comment and no longer calls me that on facebook.

I'm not his mum - but no one else is around to do the job, so that's the job I'm doing as best I can. It's what I'd want for my kids if I'd died at 36.

HOwever, I consult with his dad more than I would with my kids - and I defer to him even when I think he's wrong mostly.

He doesn't miss out for it though - as a family we got horses because he wanted them, he gets the same as everyone else, the same opportunities, the same financial input.

I was told by the counsellors (he won't go, but I did!) that whilst him losing him mum meant as he grew up I could understand his behaviour, I should never ever excuse it. That losing a parent didn't mean that people should have lower expectations of him - he deserved the same expectations as any other child.

I've tried to stick to that.