What to do?

Seanymph

I'll try to be brief - but won't manage it because I hate threads where you answer and suddenly more information jumps out - so I'll try and get it all in at the beginning.

SS has been a bit of a trial - as a teenager he has been caught several times stealing money in the house, got fired from his paperound for repeatedly not delivering to the furthest houses, lied...... nothing 'really serious' but slightly more than 'teenage angst' in my book.

At 15 he wanted a job - YD worked at a large local place, and after this September SS settled down at school, seemed to be working hard, applied for a place at college - so YD put in a word and he got taken on where she works - they think highly of her.

Well, five weeks in to his saturday job, and three days before christmas for a retailer and she has phoned to say he's been fired in his absence.

He was supposed to go in today, lied and said he had a doctors appointment - they asked her about it and of course she didn't know anything apart from him still being in bed so they threw his stuff at her and said he could 'stay in bed for life then'.

Now, having confronted him, and talked to his dad at work it appears he lied and said he had an appointment, they asked him to work this morning only then so he could go, and he didn't bother turning up because he 'didn't like the job anyway'.

My daughter is upset, obviously this reflects on her - I'm furious - and so's his dad.

He has been forced to phone and apologise, refused to ask for his job back, and is currently in his room with no computer and no mobile 'doing schoolwork'.

I am worried about the adult he will become - his dad, who has a phenomenal work ethic is furious........ and we are going to talk about it later when he comes home.

Any ideas on punishment? Is losing your job sufficient punishment? How on earth do we get through to him this is just not how you behave! If you don't like a job you at least hand in your notice - and with so many other choices perhaps you should just stick it out anyway! Not to mention how about your family who drive you back and forwards and support it and your SSsister who got you the damned job.

If I'm frank I'm worried he'll just steal from me some more ........ he seems to think the world owes him support.

Anyway, I'm cross - but would like some ideas - for today he is now grounded, (he had planned to visit a mate and go to football) - and will do school work all day with me barging in and checking every half an hour.

But I'm at a bit of a loss to be honest - both my daughters have worked every day of the school holidays so far - and are scheduled to work, with my eldest waitressing christmas eve - they wouldn't dream of not turning up. So I have no idea how to handle this attitude because I've never had it in my own children.

Emmzi

how old is he now?

have you had the talk about what things cost, family budget, and minimum wage jobs and student loans? Does he have enough information to make informed choices?

sleepysand

Yikes. What a horrible problem.

I think I would be inclined to keep all money out of sight and not fund anything at all for him. A behaviour contract in return for funds might work, but I think you are possibly beyond that already. What I would say - and I am a year head in a secondary school - is that parents who care for their children do usually win out in the end. And that sons often go through very bad phases, but turn out to be really useful employees once they are truly adult. Look towards getting him out in the world in a couple of years if you can, so that he knows what feels to him like the hell of being confined won't be forever. Sorry I can't offer you much more advice, but good luck, and hugs.

Seanymph

He's 15 - 16 in April.

Yes, he knows what things cost - I funded a horse for him for over two years, as a family we are open about money, and he is aware of what his two step sisters earn and how hard they work....... he won't need a student loan, it isn't a degree course he won't get onto A levels his grades aren't good enough.

He has had an allowance of £10 a week for about four years now - out of which he has to fund all of his personal expenditure. He also gets one £10 phone top up a month.

So he needs to earn money to get nice things (apart from hobbies, which I fund).

RedBern

make sure you don't lend him any money, that you don't leave money lying around the house and that he goes out and looks for another job.

I've got an 18 yr old lying in bed (11:36am 3 days before Christmas) who won't get up to help me tidy the house (which I was doing before I nipped onto here) because 'it's my day off' (from his washing up duties at a local restaurant which take up 12 hours of his week!)

I'm quite chilled at the moment, he doesn't know he can't use the car today to visit his mates which he was planning

sleepysand

£40 a month is pretty generous, judging by the kids I teach. Just saying - maybe make some of that conditional on a behaviour contract.

Seanymph

sleepy I don't fund much else - hobbies (the horse was a doozy!) - school uniform, one pair of school shoes, school trips.

He has to pay for all clothing, outings, social activities, presents to family members for birthdays and christmas, computer games - anything really that I don't consider 'essential.'

I put right guard deodarant in the bathroom - if he wants lynx he pays (unless he's pushing my trolley )

sleepysand

Fair enough. He hasn't had a raise for 4 years, I see, either!

One thing I would say is that he probably feels utterly crap about himself. 2 sisters who do everything right, and him a total failure. Boys tend to run and tell everyone it's not cool to participate, rather than run the risk of failure and humiliation. Thinking about his self-esteem is maybe another idea. Have you involved his school year head? Do they have a Parent Support Advisor?

BitterAndTwisted

Well, if he can't be encouraged to get out there and earn more spendies for himself, and young chaps need lots, I'd cut his allowance by 50%. And lock up my purse. Maybe he just needs to be fired from a couple more jobs before he gets it. If he's not Uni material maybe he needs to be acquainted with the sort of roles a churlish "don't give a monkeys" attitude might be his lot in life when you're no longer supporting him. But perhaps this might be better coming from the father with the admirable work-ethic. Maybe wait until you've talked about it together properly.

adamantine

i would stop the allowance and start paying him for chores he does around the house till he gets himself another job.

Seanymph

I've involved the school and year head - had the parenting partnership advisor out to the house three times for 'family sessions' - I had to sob and explain why his theft hurt me. He sat and sulked and shrugged a lot. The advisor bought him a guide on joining the army and a cookery book.

He was failing at school - he moved schools - I have met his form tutor (we are in regular email contact) his head of year, the key stage administrator and the deputy head at various times. He is brilliant - but doesn't bother.

He could have been a professional I'm told with horses - but didn't want to put in the work. He fancied flute - was bought one, attended lessons for six months, was told he was 'gifted' and gave up.

I get the esteem stuff - his sister lives with her nan now, and i think 'competing' with my two was part of the problem there - but for boys it isn't direct competition - he has the same opportunities, he could be an A* student, he got an F in a recent English GCSE, I bargained him a resit he got a high B, no revision, no work - just actually doing the exam rather than sitting there.

He is good at what he chooses to do - he has our support to apply for his college, (he needs 4 or 5 gcse's to get in) we have said we'll support him for another two years, pay for transport (or I'll drive him in and out) - he couldn't BE any more supported.

But no, he hasn't had a pay rise - nor did any of the other three kids - and they all lost their allowance the day they left school and are now self funding. We provide the same thing for every child - they will all get their first car, half their driving lessons, the first year insurance... But it's fair, and they all get the same. The older three got £10 a week, so does he.