What to do?

pukkamum

Thanks for the reply Seanymph, he really does sound just like me, as i said at the time i was slightly depressed, not enough to be noticed, more sad than anything, my mum and dad had split when i was 5 and he moved to America and we never saw him again, and although i couldn't see it at the time when i look back now i know that was one of the things that weighed on my mind.

I'm not sure how you can change him, maybe you can't and you will just have to ride the wave, but really pushing and nagging will be counter-productive, at least it was for me (my mum was of the view that once at college we were adults and she left to get on with it and that was when i changed) when she nagged i dug in harder.

P.s i have a very sucessful older sister and i know that living in her shadow didn;t help x

Seanymph

Thankyou. I know he'll be fine really - I just worry. He will do anything he wants to with a will. But if it's something he doesn't fancy he just doesn't bother.

I am, at least, calming down now.

I was moaning the other day to another mum at football about grunting communication and she made me smile. She'd phoned her house when she knew her son was home and he picked up the phone but didn't even bother to say 'hello'. Just held it to his ear. He didn't know it was her, he was just talking non communicating teen to another level! At least mine says 'hello' when he answers the phone.....

I think a lot of it is teen behaviour, but sometimes I'm at a loss as to how best support him top grow as a person that's all. Losing your job by big fat not turning up is not a good thing to do.

balletshoes

it sounds like right now he likes being under the radar and not pushing himself to be heard. I remember being like that as a teenager too. I had part time jobs, hated the first one most of the time but did it mostly because my cousin got me the job in the first place. I put my name down at a supermarket in town and as soon as I was offered a part time place there after school and on weekends I left the first job (I did tell them though, but I was cacking myself that they would try to get me to stay).

The stealing from you is a toughie, but you've not had that for a while, yes?

Hopefully this is a blip and he'll find something he likes doing which is productive.

Even though part time after-school jobs are harder to come by now than they were when I was a teenager, it still helps if you don't hate it. My colleagues 16-year old started working at KFC a couple of months ago but he just couldn't hack the smells, the grease etc which was embedded in his uniform after about a week, so he left. He struggled with no spends for another month until he finally got some shifts at M&S locally, so its not that he won't work, its just that he needs to not hate the job. I wonder if your SS will be the same?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Is it possibly a bit of 'why bother, I'll be dead soon enough'? If his dad is such a hard worker, maybe Mum said to him 'you need to do this, I'd love you to do that, because when you're a grown up you can do x, y, z or we can do a, b, c'?

So there were innocent 'promises' made that never came true?


Or did she die of something that could be seen as hereditary? So he's thinking he'll have the same happen to him.




I don't know.


But my youngest's SM lost her mother at about the same age, and she says she couldn't see the point in planning for a future afterwards. She's now approaching the age her mother was when she died and is getting very much like that again, I suppose she's got a sense that time is running out for her, even though there is no reason why.



It does seem strange that his grandmother doesn't have him if she has his sister, though. Makes him a quite solitary figure, as his mum is gone, his Nan and sister aren't around, his Dad's always at work and he got a load of grief the first time he publically showed any attachment to the one constant presence in his life - you - so has been led to believe that it's wrong, that he really is alone.





I hope you aren't offended - but have you given him a hug recently and said 'I do love you, you daft wotsit'? Even if he pushes you away, maybe the offering might soften things a bit, as your daughters don't have to wonder if you love them - you're their mum. His dad doesn't have to wonder - you're married/living with him - but the lad? Well, perhaps he feels he's excess baggage that has to be put up with.


I hope I am wrong in a way, as it must be an awful thing to feel - but perhaps, where everyone else has a place, he thinks that nobody would notice if he wasn't there.


And it is coming up to Christmas, with all those 'family are everything' adverts, TV shows, posters of happy children and adoring Mums.


Or, of course, he could be a teenaged little sod who can't be bothered to do anything himself.

Seanymph

lol! Jojo thankyou so much for putting the time in to think about things from his perspective.

I don't know what his mum said - I never knew her or the family then - I know that he's not angry at her, he's angry at the doctors for taking so long to diagnose her though. She died of cancer, their dad took them to see the consultant afterwards who reassured them it wasn't hereditary - and I have also asked the GP in front of him, and we've talked about it. It was just a pants thing for no reason.

When I first got him he was a little shadow, he was 11 - and if I was out when he came in from school he was straight on the phone with some excuse or other - he couldn't bear not knowing where I was, and even now will come 'hang out' in the kitchen but not speaking if I'm making dinner.

Have I told him I love him - occasionally - he doesn't like it much and he never says it back. So I don't embarrass him with it, but yesterday we were both at home, and we watched transformers together in the afternoon. I stopped what I was doing and sat with him and we enjoyed it, then told everyone we watched it together and were 'bonding' - OH teased me for not doing housework.......

I am trying to look afresh at things, I get that 'tragedy' is a really easy thing to pin things on - but I just can't see it, I know him inside out in many ways, I have never worked away from home, did the entire time-consuming horse thing with him and one of my daughters for years, and we spend a LOT of time together. I don't think he has angst about his mum. He misses her still, but he's alright where he is.

I could have knocked the uncles teeth out.... his response was the delete the post and set up a 'new' facebook which his uncle doesn't have. We are all on it, the uncle lost out not us.

His elder brother and sister lived with us too to start with. Elder brother moved back to be with his friends and g/f (he was older and I lived a way away from OH) and his sister went to live with maternal granny by choice at 16. SS wouldn't live there if you paid him. He visits though, in fact he's downt here next week for a few days, he has contact with the maternal family (as much as they want anyway) - but he was young when he moved here, and his friends and life is here. I really can't see him feeling a 'spare wheel' - he's the baby of the family, and so is no different from the youngest in any other family I don't think - he gets away with more than the others mostly.

We have had many conversations - including what would happen if OH died/we seperated......... in both cases SS wants to stay with me So I must be doing something right!

I think he's just an idle teenage toady. But it helps to look at things from all other perspectives, so every single post is welcome, thankyou.

Seanymph

no balletshoes, no stealing for about a year.

chocolate.buttons

Firstly I have to say that it sounds like you seem to be doing such an excellent job of being stepmum to him!! A huge well done.
I suppose the thing that struck me about his job situation is that, if he gets the basics paid for, and then an allowance, he may be thinking 'why do I need to bother working?' You've mentioned that you will also pay for driving bits and pieces soon, so in his eyes, is there any reason to actually earn and save? I wonder if this is partly to blame for his lack of motivation..?

sleepysand

I hadn't picked up he was a step son - I am a newbie! Really, first of all, it is for Dad to sort out, mainly, not you. And given what you have outlined it would be astonishing if he didn't have low self-esteem. Love, hugs and tenderness is likely to go a fair way. And achievable goals, with meaningful rewards.

I do wish you the best of luck. Blended families are really hard going, and it sounds like you are doing a great job.

Savvy_Sue

Seanymph wrote: »

It's just the grafting. He seem to have no graft chip installed.

:rotfl: You don't have your own boys, do you? I've yet to meet a teenage boy with a graft chip installed ... Of course I don't have girls, myself, so I've no idea what goes on there, but boys, they need to grow up a bit before the 'get it'.

I think that while I'd be aware of the past history of stealing and take good care of my purse etc, I wouldn't mention that as part of the Awful Litany of what he's done. I'd concentrate on THIS: he lied to his employer, he lost his job, this has also affected his SS (although it would be a poor employer who actually held it against her, because it's not actually her fault!), he won't get a reference from this employer, it could have an effect on his future job prospects for longer than he might think. And it was a pretty dumb thing to do, because when you say "I can't work then because I have to go to the doctor", someone's bound to say "how did you get on?" in a friendly way, or ask your sister the same, and it all gets horribly complicated.

And so, what to do? I'd keep it focused, almost toddler taming level. Not focussing on what you've done for him in the past, not highlighting what you've offered to do for him in the future, but right now, he hasn't got a job, therefore he can spend the hours he would have been working helping out at home / helping the neighbours. And anything he would have bought for himself he won't have the funds for, and that's, quite simply, his problem not yours.

I do think we sometimes expect our boys to respond to things verbally which they just can't do. He probably - hopefully - knows he's been a prize idiot, but how do you admit that? If he's at all fond of his SS, he knows he's landed her in it, but how do you look her in the eye and say you're sorry? He may want to justify himself out of it, but knows he'll be jumped on if he does. So he says nothing, grunts, looks down or away. After all, nothing he says will get him his job back.

You've done well to get him hoovering ...

Cat501

sounds like you are doing a good job seanymph - but also like there may be a teeny bit of pressure on him to "conform" and shape up? He's still at school yes? So that's a few hours work a day, and you say he will help with things in the house which is great. To be honest, I'd say he's only 15, it's quite normal I think not to be a "sticker" at that age, or a grafter come to that. He's got years of grafting to come (hopefully!) when he's an adult and out in the big wide world having to support himself. I wouldn't really expect a 15 year old to help support themselves, unless they wanted a lot more out of life than you can afford to give....then that's up to him to sort something out. So glad you seem to have sorted the stealing problem, but otherwise - I'd let him be a teenager and have fun for the next couple of years without worrying about real adult things. That's just my humble opinion though and I know it goes against the grain of what most other people will think:)