Prohibited Steps Order?

peachyprice

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I actually don't think it is a fabulous opportunity. At 18 it is an opportunity that may turn out to be fabulous, but not at 16.
16 year olds still need parenting (and yes I understand he is with his father, but father doesn't have a track record with 24/7 care), and a lot of support.
Leaving education at 16 when you are academically bright has a far greater risk of stiffling his potential. I don't see dropping into last 2 years of high school as remotely simple. Adapting to a new culture can be exhausting and isolating until you find your feet. And he has to hit the ground running to make sure he is on track with his education. or may not

There is no reason why, if things don't work out, that he can't come back here and still do his Alevels at the top school OP has planned for him. You don't have to be 16 to go to 6th form.

And there is no reason why he can't do a degree through a foundation course or entrance exam. The whole education system is set up to help academically bright people gain access to the courses they choose even if they haven't followed the 'traditional' route. A traditional education and A levels do not have to be the be all and end all of going to uni and getting a good degree

Mojisola wrote: »

Uni selectors are looking for students with really good academic results but they also want well-rounded people who have something more to offer and a couple of years living in a different country could make him stand out from the crowd.

Indeed, this would be looked on in a positive light, not the negative.

heretolearn_2

Honestly, I think you have to accept this is going to happen.

And then try and minimise any problems.

You keep talking about you losing your son, and your other children losing their brother...why? He's only moving, not dying. You can stay in touch and even if he can't visit for a couple of years (I hope he can though - and not being funny but on £1000 a month maintanence can't you afford a plane ticket once a year?). Just remember he is at a funny age anyway and don't go burning any bridges. 16 year old are not great at staying in touch whatever the circumstances.

I don't think you are helping things but predicting the worst. Although it's clear that you ex is a bit of a one , to say the least, your son is not an idiot and he will soon start to make his own mind up about the whole thing.

I know it's hard. It stuck in my craw when my son went to live with his dad for a year to go to college. I tried to not let it show but I did, fussing over his 'moving so far away from me'. In the end he just gave me a withering look, said 'are you sure this isn't about me living with dad rather than the distance' and I had to think for a couple of seconds before admitting he'd hit the nail on the head, and apologised to him.

He pretty quickly found out how difficult his dad is to live with and he doesn't exactly have great memories of that year; their relationship has never been the same since to be honest with you. It's ok, but my son is much warier of his dad and has less patience with all the bull**** than he was before. So it opened his eyes somewhat. (not that his dad is nasty, but has other problems). The same thing could very easily happen here. Dad will go from being the golden one, to your son's eyes finally being opened to the reality.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

It may sound really horrible, but what if he ends up at a fair to middling university over here, when he could potentially go to an Ivy League university if he goes over there?

I think the second could give him a greater future. After all, a redbrick uni degree isn't worth as much in the US (only the top 5 get even a look in in most countries, unless they have a degree in medicine) - where he would probably head straight for after graduation (and probably fall foul of US immigration) whereas, as a younger child, it wouldn't be a problem.

Brighton_belle

peachyprice wrote: »

There is no reason why, if things don't work out, that he can't come back here and still do his Alevels at the top school OP has planned for him. You don't have to be 16 to go to 6th form.

.

Your right, there are other options, I was just thinking of the easiest one at 16. It is very hard to start at 6th form with loads of 16 yr olds when you are 18-20. And if he has the potential to go to Oxford to read maths (and had been interested in doing so), I wondered if finding other ways to match A level maths/pure maths might be a bit harder.
I also hadn't picked up that her son was set on doing this... that he was thinking about it but not determined at this stage.

I don't think it would be a disaster, and any situation is rescuable with determination. I just didn't think it was a 'fabulous' opportunity. The chance of doing maths at Oxford is also a fabulous opportunity.

chocolate.buttons

How long does your son usually see his dad for when he visits? I ask because, as other posters have said, it may seem like a fabulous idea right now...but actually dealing with the reality of living with somebody can quickly remove those rose-tinted glasses. Does he have much experience of what day-in, day-out life is like living with Dad? If not, you could suggest he has a more extended stay with Dad before committing to any decision. It may be that your son realises more about what moving to the US would really be like, and can see exactly what he would be leaving behind here.

Mojisola

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Your right, there are other options, I was just thinking of the easiest one at 16. It is very hard to start at 6th form with loads of 16 yr olds when you are 18-20.

I doubt he would go to 6th form college - the local FE college would be the place to catch up on exams if he needed to.

marywooyeah

PSOs are usually reserved for imminent situations - eg the client I had last week whose kid's were at an imminent and real risk of child abduction rather than an event in the future that was not fully confirmed yet.

the courts would ask what your son wants due to his age he is more than competent to express this himself, they would be very reluctant to make any kind of Order regarding a 16 year old child.

I agree that his dad seems to be hyping up the move abroad and that it would be difficult for your son to adjust to a new education system so close to the end of his education.

sleepysand

Wow, thank you so much, all of you - some brilliant, brilliant advice here, and I am really grateful. I don't know all that much about the US education system (I am a teacher myself over here) so I need to find out more and help him toward an informed choice. Interestingly, in talking to oldest son, I have more detail about how exactly his father talks about me, and it does explain a lot of the coldness I've had from this son. (it has hurt a lot - I have spent a chunk of today in tears). I have to go now, but I can feel myself getting addicted to this forum... thank you again.

Mojisola

sleepysand wrote: »

Wow, thank you so much, all of you - some brilliant, brilliant advice here, and I am really grateful. I don't know all that much about the US education system (I am a teacher myself over here) so I need to find out more and help him toward an informed choice. Interestingly, in talking to oldest son, I have more detail about how exactly his father talks about me, and it does explain a lot of the coldness I've had from this son. (it has hurt a lot - I have spent a chunk of today in tears). I have to go now, but I can feel myself getting addicted to this forum... thank you again.

Your sons should be proud of you. It would be easy for you to tell them bad things about their Dad which you're obviously not doing. Keep on as you are - as your children become adults, they will realise which of their parents really had their best interests at heart.

BWZN93

I think, from the tone of your posts, that you don't want to relinquish control over your son to your ex, because you simply don't like him and you think you are somehow losing him. That's fair enough, however, I think you need to look at it in a different light.

You son, who you say is bright and well rounded etc, will probably have no problems fitting in well at an american school, everyone will be keen to know all about the new British guy and is likely to make friends rapidly (I speak from some experience, ive spent a LOT of time in America and can testify as to how much they love British people in general, and in my experience have been incredibly friendly and have many lifelong friends as a result) and whilst the school system will be unfamiliar, this will be an opportunity for a great deal of personal growth for your son, he will learn to stand up in unfamiliar situations and find his own place in the world. Some of the most charismatic people ive ever met are those who spent their childhoods travelling and going to different schools, its almost like they know they can fit in anywhere and nothing fazes them.

When my brother was a teenager, he moved to Dubai with his father (who had been divorced from our mum for about 10 years, he's not the nicest guy ive ever met but he wasnt out to hurt my brother, and I suspect your ex isn't out to hurt your son either) and spent 18 months out there, until his father's work contract expired. He went to a good school, saw a lot of how other people live, and made many new friends, in short, a wonderfully worthwhile experience for him - its this kind of fully immersing into another culture that creates incredible independence and people skills in people.

At the end of the day, your son is your son, and you should be willing to support them in anything they choose to do in life. You only get one chance at life and he should be getting out of it the most varied experience he can. I think you should support his decision to do what he chooses, make it clear to him that you will always be on the end of skype/phone and the door is always open for him if he wants to come back. In terms of his father, just set the ground rules, for instance, that you expect him to be sent to a good school and that you expect him to parent him properly.

I do wholeheartedly urge you to put your feeling aside and try and see the incredible opportunity that this could be for your son. Even if he flies back in 6 months time thinking its not for him, so what, exploration is what life is all about! Don't clip his wings before they spread!!

Jo