Prohibited Steps Order?

peachyprice

sleepysand wrote: »

Thank you for that. It about sums it up. I will try to sit with him and talk about all the issues that arise. One problem is - and I have no idea what he has said to do it - that my ex has undoubtedly tried to manipulate all of them into hating me (something I have never done - I even regularly drive 100 miles to get them to see him, if he hasn't paid their fares). I understand that he has told them that I, and all my family, are completely unbalanced and irrational; but that doesn't seem enough to justify the coldness that I get from no 2 at times.

To whoever it was that said that he can't be that bad, trust me, he can. The reason we split up was that I couldn't bear any longer the way he called no 3 "psychoboy" to his face, and hit the eldest. But I have never talked to any of the children about that - I just hope the younger ones were too young to remember.

Then all you can do is carry on being the bigger, better person, making sure your son's know that you will always be there for them, loving them every step of the way.

The truth will out one day and you'll be the one they know they can trust..

sleepysand

Thank you all. In a way, now I know that avenue is closed, I feel better equipped to sort out the issue in different ways. It will break my heart, though, to lose him.

Emmzi

SS, you don't have to lose him. If you love them, set them free.. they'll come back.

adamantine

you may not lose them. DS may not go. he will come back at some point one way or the other.

FatVonD

I agree it sounds a fantastic opportunity if he really wants to go. I think you should make sure that he knows the door is always open for him if he wants to come back (and that you've put away the cost of his return flight if he ever needs to come home but can't face approaching his father for the air fare) but I'd also tell him that you don't really want him to go (but are agreeing because it's what he wants to do) so it makes it easier for him to back out without losing face if he gets cold feet.

Btw, I (and probably a lot of others) am green with envy at the thought of £1,000 per month maintainence, it sounds a lot to me but I suppose all things are relative!

Broomstick

Couple more thoughts:

You need to check that the US education system's 'A level' equivalent syllabuses will be sufficient to cover Oxbridge entrance. I don't know about Oxford, but Cambridge ask maths candidates to do an extra maths test over and above A level results and they select on that. (We had a friend whose 6 A level results in strong academic subjects were stunning but he didn't do well enough on his Cambridge-only maths paper - which he hadn't been prepared for - so wasn't offered a place.) If you want to keep the Oxbridge door open it is important that you have the information you need now to help your son with his decision making about university. Could the school help with this?

Is the dad really going to make a go of it in the States? What happens if things don't work out for him and he decides to come back to the UK sooner than the end of A levels? If the dad and his new wife are British, are the US arrangements going to be permanent ones in terms of work permits? I'm not sure how all this works but, from another friend who to-ed and fro-ed from the States for several years in a job that he was recruited for based in the US, the work permit situation was less than straightforward and he was never granted a full one. Is there any risk of your son being caught up in anything like this?

If your son does go, is there any way at all that you could put money by in a special account to cover the cost of a return air-fare for you in case of emergency and a one-way ticket back home for him in case he wants to leave? If you start an obvious savings fund (to which your son could contribute as well) then it might be easier for him, and you, to feel better about letting go because the escape route, independent from your ex's control, would always be there for both of you.

Why don't you and all your children sit down, get some huge sheets of paper and write the most comprehensive pros and cons list you can think of as a whole family? If your ex is trying to divide and rule, then to do the opposite might be good for all of you.

B x

PS Cross posted with FatVonD. Great minds... !

Brighton_belle

Forgetting all the emotions and sibling stuff, stepping into the last 2 years of American high school, will I think be bewildering, their system is so different and will make stepping back into a university here much more difficult. He won't have any depth of network out there to support him through that 2 yrs of 'school' other than his father, to whom it is also unfamiliar and will be at work much of the time I imagine.
OP I understand your concerns. I wonder if it would be helpful to focus on discussing these sort of issues with your son, in an unbiased and gentle a way as possible. Just perhaps gently ask questions that will get him thinking. And perhaps let him know going at 18 would have your full support and perhaps suggest going for a gap year over there to decide what he wants, after A Levels are in the bag. The world will be far more his oyster then.

smartpicture

sleepysand wrote: »

I am continually stitched up by a very clever but really very unpleasant man who thoroughly seems to enjoy exerting power over me, even ten years after we separated and eight years after he remarried.

Then surely the best way of taking that power away from him is to not react in the way he expects, ie you painting yourself as the baddy by banning it?

sleepysand wrote: »

I understand that he has told them that I, and all my family, are completely unbalanced and irrational; but that doesn't seem enough to justify the coldness that I get from no 2 at times.

I'm sure your son spends enough time with you and your family to make up his own mind about that.

And 'coldness' from a 16-year-old is par for the course, believe me! If you've brought him up well, when the teenage hormones subside your values will shine through and he will see things how they really are.

Mojisola wrote: »

Don't drive your son away by trying to keep him with you. Let him go but make it clear that he is welcome back any time he wants, that you'll all miss him but hope he has a wonderful experience in the States.

Don't make him feel that, if things go wrong in America and he wants to come home, you'll be saying "I told you so".

Best piece of advice on here.

I know you're going to miss him like crazy, but it is a fabulous opportunity and part of the natural cycle of life for kids to leave us and make their own choices in life. Of course it's hard, but I think you're making it harder by the (understandable) bitterness you feel for the father. Try to separate the issue of your son reaching the next inevitable independent stage of his life, from the issue of the father winding you up. Maybe you don't think he's old enough or ready for this (although you haven't really said that, so maybe he is), but whatever age they leave us, it feels like they're too young and not ready for it and it breaks our heart in two.

You're not 'losing' him, you're just moving onto the next inevitable stage of bringing up a child. You'll only lose him if you try and stop him flying from the nest when he's ready to do so.

Brighton_belle

smartpicture wrote: »

I know you're going to miss him like crazy, but it is a fabulous opportunity and part of the natural cycle of life for kids to leave us and make their own choices in life.

I actually don't think it is a fabulous opportunity. At 18 it is an opportunity that may turn out to be fabulous, but not at 16.
16 year olds still need parenting (and yes I understand he is with his father, but father doesn't have a track record with 24/7 care), and a lot of support.
Leaving education at 16 when you are academically bright has a far greater risk of stiffling his potential. I don't see dropping into last 2 years of high school as remotely simple. Adapting to a new culture can be exhausting and isolating until you find your feet. And he has to hit the ground running to make sure he is on track with his education. or may not

Mojisola

Although he may have problems with the education side, the school/A levels/uni sequence isn't set in stone. It is possible to adapt to your circumstances. My son had health problems which meant he missed most of secondary school but he has done his first degree at a very good uni and is now doing a Masters.

Uni selectors are looking for students with really good academic results but they also want well-rounded people who have something more to offer and a couple of years living in a different country could make him stand out from the crowd.

I don't think sleepsand really has much choice - her son will make up his own mind and she can't stop him so it's worth finding the positives and work with him on those so that he makes the best of this opportunity. Having seen some TV programmes about American high schools, it's not a culture I would want to experience but the world probably looks different when you're 16!