Prohibited Steps Order?

peachyprice

sleepysand wrote: »

I've never mentioned forcing him.

If you take out a PSO you will be forcing him to do what you want him to do.

sleepysand

BugglyB wrote: »

This might not be the case, you know better than I do, but I do have a feeling that talking, or plotting to do something, and actually doing it, are two very different things.

Does new wife know that son number two is going to be joining them for their new life abroad? Is she happy with that? Is everyone signed up to the reality of him living with his dad 24/7? Is dad even definitely moving yet? Has your sons father enrolled him in a school, or found out about education for him? Are there flights booked and a house found for them to live in? When it comes to the crunch would your son really leave his girlfriend, brothers and dear mum?

Or is it all just a pipe dream and a promise? 'We were thinking of moving' 'but I'd really miss you' 'wow, you could come with us, we'd go to disneyworld every weekend and eat cake for breakfast every day!'

My feeling is if you go off getting legal advice and waving order in their face it will be the perfect excuse for them to say well we wanted you to come with us but your mum won't let you, then they are the fantastic parents and you are the bad guy holding your son back. When maybe their intention isn't to take him, or even to move, in the first place.

I hope you are right. New wife has children herself, two already at Uni and one the same age as my son, and the youngest is not happy at the idea of leaving at all; and while I think it is quite likely that my ex will go, that my son would also is far from certain. I wouldn't be getting an order and waving it about - I just wanted to know what I could do about it if it all got really nasty.

I'm not even slightly manipulative or controlling - that is how I ended up in this place, because I am continually stitched up by a very clever but really very unpleasant man who thoroughly seems to enjoy exerting power over me, even ten years after we separated and eight years after he remarried. He has managed to get my son to feel sorry for him, more than anything (god knows what he has told him, but my guess is something untrue and very unpleasant about me).

FWIW, oldest boy has already said that if Dad goes ahead with this plan (which as far as I know is fairly well advanced in terms of visa for Dad and buying a house) he will forget he ever had a father. It's that sort of thing that I am trying to prevent.

adamantine

why is dad only taking 1 child? what about the other 3? is it because they are under 16 knows he cant take them and the eldest wouldnt want to? or does the dad not have such a good relationship with the others?

there really isnt a thing you can do to stop the 16 year old going. have you sat down with him adult to adult and spoken about why he wants to move? the fact he would need to go back to school coz they dont leave school till they are 18 or 19? that he would have to take other exams to get into uni or get a job over there? that he would have to start from scratch totally again re friends? and how much he would miss family and friends here?

by the sounds of it, to me, dad has been promising heaven and earth and the boy is seeing everything through rose tinted glasses.

BugglyB

sleepysand wrote: »

I hope you are right. New wife has children herself, two already at Uni and one the same age as my son, and the youngest is not happy at the idea of leaving at all; and while I think it is quite likely that my ex will go, that my son would also is far from certain. I wouldn't be getting an order and waving it about - I just wanted to know what I could do about it if it all got really nasty.

I'm not even slightly manipulative or controlling - that is how I ended up in this place, because I am continually stitched up by a very clever but really very unpleasant man who thoroughly seems to enjoy exerting power over me, even ten years after we separated and eight years after he remarried. He has managed to get my son to feel sorry for him, more than anything (god knows what he has told him, but my guess is something untrue and very unpleasant about me).

FWIW, oldest boy has already said that if Dad goes ahead with this plan (which as far as I know is fairly well advanced in terms of visa for Dad and buying a house) he will forget he ever had a father. It's that sort of thing that I am trying to prevent.

No I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. But if its easy for me to paint you like that, imagine how easy it would be for hostile dad.

I'm sorry to hear you're having these problems. For what its worth you sound like a great mum and I'm sure ds2 would not want to be without you for long.

WestonDave

The point of legal measures like PSO's is to provide a courts decision when all sensible dialogue within the family has irretrievably broken down. It may provide a decision but probably will not provide a solution. As things stand there isn't a solution which will make all parties happy. Your son (rightly or wrongly) wants to maintain the relationship with his father and at this stage prefers the life options that the US offers. If you successfully prevent him doing this via a legal route, you run the risk of cementing his views that life in the US would have been better, and creating resentment of you and his siblings for preventing it. If you attempt it and fail, he may end up going, and then feeling that he can't come home if he is unhappy because of all the hassle that went into establishing his right to do so. Neither of these two gives high chances of a positive ongoing family relationship. On the other hand if you demonstrate your love for him by allowing him to make what you regard to be a mistake whilst making it clear that it only has to be a trial and that he is welcome home at any point, you might stand a better chance of salvaging things from the current already broken state.

BugglyB

adamantine wrote: »

by the sounds of it, to me, dad has been promising heaven and earth and the boy is seeing everything through rose tinted glasses.

That is what I was trying to say, but much better put!

I know its hard, but maybe try just keeping schtum on the matter for now. Just a non commital 'oh that sounds nice, we'd all miss you loads' if he talks about it again. The more you kick the easier it is for them to paint you as that bad person, especially if ds2 is already in a place where he feels he has to defend dad to you.

balletshoes

you can't control what your ex does - and you can't control how your oldest son will react to that. At 16, although I know it would obviously affect your youngest 2 sons too, I wouldn't be putting obstacles in the way of 2nd son going to the USA with his Dad, if thats what he really wants to do. As others have said, he could have joined the army at that age, and he can legally leave home at that age. If he chose to do either of those things instead of travelling with his Dad your youngest 2 sons wouldn't necessarily see him regularly either.

Even it it does interrupt his planned education for a year, he can pick it up again, he's obviously an intelligent and driven young man from what you've said about him.

sleepysand

adamantine wrote: »

by the sounds of it, to me, dad has been promising heaven and earth and the boy is seeing everything through rose tinted glasses.

Thank you for that. It about sums it up. I will try to sit with him and talk about all the issues that arise. One problem is - and I have no idea what he has said to do it - that my ex has undoubtedly tried to manipulate all of them into hating me (something I have never done - I even regularly drive 100 miles to get them to see him, if he hasn't paid their fares). I understand that he has told them that I, and all my family, are completely unbalanced and irrational; but that doesn't seem enough to justify the coldness that I get from no 2 at times.

To whoever it was that said that he can't be that bad, trust me, he can. The reason we split up was that I couldn't bear any longer the way he called no 3 "psychoboy" to his face, and hit the eldest. But I have never talked to any of the children about that - I just hope the younger ones were too young to remember.

Mojisola

sleepysand wrote: »

a very clever but really very unpleasant man who thoroughly seems to enjoy exerting power over me

FWIW, oldest boy has already said that if Dad goes ahead with this plan (which as far as I know is fairly well advanced in terms of visa for Dad and buying a house) he will forget he ever had a father. It's that sort of thing that I am trying to prevent.

If my father was a very unpleasant control freak, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with him. Accept your son's decision.

The best way for your 16 year old to learn about his father will be to spend more time with him. Seeing someone occasionally is a very different experience to being with someone 24/7. He may get to see his father in a different light but, if he doesn't, you're going to have to live with it. You can't make him view his father the way you do. He is his father's son as well as your son.

Don't drive your son away by trying to keep him with you. Let him go but make it clear that he is welcome back any time he wants, that you'll all miss him but hope he has a wonderful experience in the States.

Don't make him feel that, if things go wrong in America and he wants to come home, you'll be saying "I told you so".

Emmzi

no 2 is 16. He's going to be moody hormonal and cold anyway. This may have very little to do with ex.

Not everything will be to do with ex.