Never Ending Circles - The proof is in the pudding!

RainbowChild_2

Some of you may have seen this thread back in June regarding my relationship and subsequent split with my partner. Well to cut a long story short I was weak and relented :cool: He quickly put a ring on my finger ...that changes nothing!

My youngest went to live with her Dad and he wasn't happy about her coming to visit at Christmas due to her verbal abuse. So she is coming in the New Year instead.

Health wise I am a lot more stable than I was, I am pleased to say and this is probably why I am fighting the tide again.

I don't go to bed much these days as I don't sleep very well. Last night a friend, who owns a restaurant, asked me to help them tonight as they are short staffed.

His reply? You're not working behind a bar!

Basically I am back to square one or am I looking for an excuse?

Like I say he isn't fundamentally a bad person but I just want to sell the house and rent a small flat/house with room to spare for when my kids come up and I'll be debt free. If I bring this up again he will bring up the shocked and surprised poor him act...how could I?

ETA I will now have to contact my friends and make an excuse for letting them down or do I tell them the truth?

Emmzi

RainbowChild wrote: »

ETA I will now have to contact my friends and make an excuse for letting them down or do I tell them the truth?

thirdn option, go and help your friend.

otherwise you are saying you are happy to be a doormat...

CH27

RainbowChild wrote: »

Some of you may have seen this thread back in June regarding my relationship and subsequent split with my partner. Well to cut a long story short I was weak and relented :cool: He quickly put a ring on my finger ...that changes nothing!

My youngest went to live with her Dad and he wasn't happy about her coming to visit at Christmas due to her verbal abuse. So she is coming in the New Year instead.

Health wise I am a lot more stable than I was, I am pleased to say and this is probably why I am fighting the tide again.

I don't go to bed much these days as I don't sleep very well. Last night a friend, who owns a restaurant, asked me to help them tonight as they are short staffed.

His reply? You're not working behind a bar!

Basically I am back to square one or am I looking for an excuse?

Like I say he isn't fundamentally a bad person but I just want to sell the house and rent a small flat/house with room to spare for when my kids come up and I'll be debt free. If I bring this up again he will bring up the shocked and surprised poor him act...how could I?

ETA I will now have to contact my friends and make an excuse for letting them down or do I tell them the truth?

You could just go. Why be dictated too?
Do you really want to live the rest of your life being dictated to?

Sambucus_Nigra

RainbowChild wrote: »

His reply? You're not working behind a bar!

Your reply - yes I am/just try and stop me/go boil your head you twonk/go forth and multiply/if you don't like it you know where the door is/who the **** are you to tell me what to do/**** you I won't do what you tell me/whatever

victory

You have a voice, let it be heard, don't be battered down, don't let him tell you what to do and when to do it or even how to do it, put your point across firmly and strongly and let him stew on it, if you want to do it you can and should, do it and he either agrees or disagrees or maybe has an equally strong opinion, that is what relationships are about discussing things, compromising not being dictated to

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

RainbowChild wrote: »

Some of you may have seen this thread back in June regarding my relationship and subsequent split with my partner. Well to cut a long story short I was weak and relented :cool: He quickly put a ring on my finger ...that changes nothing!

My youngest went to live with her Dad and he wasn't happy about her coming to visit at Christmas due to her verbal abuse. So she is coming in the New Year instead.

Health wise I am a lot more stable than I was, I am pleased to say and this is probably why I am fighting the tide again.

I don't go to bed much these days as I don't sleep very well. Last night a friend, who owns a restaurant, asked me to help them tonight as they are short staffed.

His reply? You're not working behind a bar!

Basically I am back to square one or am I looking for an excuse?

Like I say he isn't fundamentally a bad person but I just want to sell the house and rent a small flat/house with room to spare for when my kids come up and I'll be debt free. If I bring this up again he will bring up the shocked and surprised poor him act...how could I?

ETA I will now have to contact my friends and make an excuse for letting them down or do I tell them the truth?

Reading your older posts, it occurs to me that the problems with your daughter have been exacerbated (if not caused) by having a heavy drinking, abusive boyfriend who is feeling threatened by you having children. Especially as he has stopped her coming to you for Christmas. He sounds abusive.

Controlling your meds, telling you that you would die without him?

Doesn't let you go anywhere alone? Screws up your finances by controlling them? Stops you seeing family? Has 'no patience' with your children - to the extent that one runs away and he doesn't want her back even for a couple of days? And then wants you to marry him (as that might stop you leaving/escaping his control?



Not fundamentally bad - well, if that's the case, he's deliberately choosing to be bad then, doesn't it?

RainbowChild_2

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Not fundamentally bad - well, if that's the case, he's deliberately choosing to be bad then, doesn't it?

Yep you're right. I am such a mug. It is the "caring" attitude he has that makes you doubt it even though I know it's because HE doesn't want to be alone. Although he isn't violent it's still abusive and controlling.

I have made steps this morning, I have emailed a few estate agents to request valuations on the house and filled in my driving application form to renew it as I relinquished it for medical reasons last year.

Getting him to leave is impossible, even if I had an affair he wouldn't go/

Sambucus_Nigra

RainbowChild wrote: »

Yep you're right. I am such a mug. It is the "caring" attitude he has that makes you doubt it even though I know it's because HE doesn't want to be alone. Although he isn't violent it's still abusive and controlling.

I have made steps this morning, I have emailed a few estate agents to request valuations on the house and filled in my driving application form to renew it as I relinquished it for medical reasons last year.

Getting him to leave is impossible, even if I had an affair he wouldn't go/

What's the house situation - does he own half?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

RainbowChild wrote: »

Yep you're right. I am such a mug. It is the "caring" attitude he has that makes you doubt it even though I know it's because HE doesn't want to be alone. Although he isn't violent it's still abusive and controlling.

I have made steps this morning, I have emailed a few estate agents to request valuations on the house and filled in my driving application form to renew it as I relinquished it for medical reasons last year.

Getting him to leave is impossible, even if I had an affair he wouldn't go/

Not so much a mug as someone who is undergoing domestic abuse.

And the doubting is called 'gaslighting'.

Look up the Women's Aid link at the top of the board and keep looking until you realise 'yes, this is abuse and I can do something about it'. Be careful to clear your browsing history on your computer and bear in mind that women with disabilities or long term health conditions are very likely to be subjected to domestic abuse, so yours is not an unusual situation.

Perhaps needing a doctor's appointment would be a way of getting yourself out of his clutches for a few minutes, as you would be able to speak to your GP - they can also help as you could be regarded as a vulnerable adult, which would mean you could get more help and support - you certainly wouldn't die without this person in your life.


You aren't alone and you aren't powerless - but you are at risk, especially when trying to regain some control over your life. Be careful.

RainbowChild_2

No he split from his with 5 years ago and came to live with me and my DD's. I told him I would help him t find a flat to rent last summer. I bought the house myself 7 years ago but when he first came up he didn't work for a couple of years and then only sporadically after that. So I got into a lot of debt using credit cards for day to day living, behind on payments etc

shelley_crow

I can tell you categorically that your problems will get 10 times worse if you legally and financially shackle yourself to him with marriage.

It's not a healthy relationship for you to be in, do you really want to live like this for the rest of your ife?

The women's aid suggestion is a really good one. The house is yours, you can get rid of him with help. I wouldn't suggest trying this alone at the moment. If you want to get yoursef back on track and get your kids back, he has to go.

Good luck