A thread about step kids AND in laws!

FatVonD

Oh yes, this thread has it all

2 separate issues but kind of connected. In the interests of privacy I'm going to change the locations but will choose places that are a similar distance apart...

So, for the purpose of this thread, we live in Croydon, step kids live with their mum in Gatwick and DH's parents live in Gatwick too. DH's brother and SIL live in Brighton.

Usually at Christmas the stepkids spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until 6pm with one parent then go to the other for Christmas Evening and Boxing Day.

We should be the second shift this year as we had them Christmas Eve/day last year. Usually when we do this we would go to the inlaws for lunch (in the same town as the step kids) and pick them up at 6pm and take them back to the inlaws for the evening then home with us from there.

2 years ago though their mum asked for them to be brought back at the end of the evening as her mum (their other nan) was having a party the next day and they had a big surprise booked for them so that's what we did, except when we asked after Boxing Day there wasn't actually any big surprise at all. I should point out that DH's ex has a very large and close extended family who all live on the same estate, they see their nan a couple of times a week and another family member usually has a party on Christmas Eve too.

This year DSD (12) has mentioned going round to her nan's on Boxing Day again. DH texted the ex to say it was their year for coming home with us. I found out last night that when DSD was here at the weekend she argued with DH saying she wanted to go to her nan's instead.

This year, instead of going to the inlaws for lunch, we were going to DH's brother's in Brighton then all of us were driving back to Gatwick to pick up the stepkids to spend the evening at the inlaws except that MIL called last night to say that they can't cope with having everyone there (which I totally understand as they're in their 70s) and we will all be staying in Brighton for the evening.

This means that we will have to drive back from Brighton to Gatwick to pick the kids up, then back to Brighton again, then take them back to Gatwick again at the end of the evening before coming home to Croydon. As the eldest DSS will be bringing his GF there also won't be enough room in the car so we'll have to take 2 cars.

I am feeling angry/sad/disappointed that the kids clearly would rather be with their *other* family than us and I feel like they're only turning up to get their presents and, I know it's childish but I'm feeling really used. Usually I'm the voice of reason when DH is upset that his eldest only ever turns up when it's his birthday or Christmas but I feel like saying we'll leave all the presents at home and they can have them when they can be bothered to come to see us but obviously it's not my place to say that and it'd not really be condusive(sp?) to making them want to come to our house :rotfl:

I think now that we should go to Brighton for lunch but pick the kids up at 6pm and have the evening at our house but I know the kids don't want to be at ours and don't want to force them and DH says that his parents like to see them on Christmas Day.

I should point out that DSD doesn't usually have any problems coming to ours, in fact we get on really well, but compared to a big extended family bash with lots of cousins we're probably a bit dull as there's just DH, myself and DS (who will now have no other kids about for the whole of Christmas.) I think that they (the stepkids) should never have been given the idea that they could go to the party in the first place when it was 'our' year given that they will see all their relatives on CHristmas Eve anyway.

So, what do we do (not including looking on last minute dot come because we've already tried that and we can't afford it :rotfl: ) and am I right to be feeling hurt/angry/used?

Sambucus_Nigra

It's their Christmas too, so let them get on with it. No point forcing the issue.

Replan your travels so that you are not travelling too far out of the way.

There really is little point arguing about it.

Seanymph

Blimey - I need a cup of tea after that lot.

Personally I wouldn't see them on Christmas day. I would say 'we would love to see you, but as its' only for a few hours we think that you should spend that at home, and we will pick you up after the do on boxing day so you can come visit for a few days.

I would not be trotting about like that to spend a couple of hours with them.

It would be a simple thing for the ex to be more amenable - or for time to be shared in a much fairer manner. Another option may be for the ex to deliver them and for you to take them back - but looking at the set up here I suspect she wouldn't be that amenable.

peachyprice

FatVonD wrote: »

So, what do we do (not including looking on last minute dot come because we've already tried that and we can't afford it :rotfl: ) and am I right to be feeling hurt/angry/used?

In your shoes, I'd leave the step children where they are, not to-ing and fro-ing across Surrey/Sussex just so they can have their pressies, why can they not just come to you on Boxing day and be done with it?

TBH, they're at an age now where your OH and his ex can't take it in turns to have them over christmas anymore, it's fine when they're little but they're now old enough to decide where they want to be when and as hurtful as that is you have to take their wishes into consideration.

elvis86

FatVonD wrote: »

Oh yes, this thread has it all

2 separate issues but kind of connected. In the interests of privacy I'm going to change the locations but will choose places that are a similar distance apart...

So, for the purpose of this thread, we live in Croydon, step kids live with their mum in Gatwick and DH's parents live in Gatwick too. DH's brother and SIL live in Brighton.

Usually at Christmas the stepkids spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day until 6pm with one parent then go to the other for Christmas Evening and Boxing Day.

We should be the second shift this year as we had them Christmas Eve/day last year. Usually when we do this we would go to the inlaws for lunch (in the same town as the step kids) and pick them up at 6pm and take them back to the inlaws for the evening then home with us from there.

2 years ago though their mum asked for them to be brought back at the end of the evening as her mum (their other nan) was having a party the next day and they had a big surprise booked for them so that's what we did, except when we asked after Boxing Day there wasn't actually any big surprise at all. I should point out that DH's ex has a very large and close extended family who all live on the same estate, they see their nan a couple of times a week and another family member usually has a party on Christmas Eve too.

This year DSD (12) has mentioned going round to her nan's on Boxing Day again. DH texted the ex to say it was their year for coming home with us. I found out last night that when DSD was here at the weekend she argued with DH saying she wanted to go to her nan's instead.

This year, instead of going to the inlaws for lunch, we were going to DH's brother's in Brighton then all of us were driving back to Gatwick to pick up the stepkids to spend the evening at the inlaws except that MIL called last night to say that they can't cope with having everyone there (which I totally understand as they're in their 70s) and we will all be staying in Brighton for the evening.

This means that we will have to drive back from Brighton to Gatwick to pick the kids up, then back to Brighton again, then take them back to Gatwick again at the end of the evening before coming home to Croydon. As the eldest DSS will be bringing his GF there also won't be enough room in the car so we'll have to take 2 cars.

I am feeling angry/sad/disappointed that the kids clearly would rather be with their *other* family than us and I feel like they're only turning up to get their presents and, I know it's childish but I'm feeling really used. Usually I'm the voice of reason when DH is upset that his eldest only ever turns up when it's his birthday or Christmas but I feel like saying we'll leave all the presents at home and they can have them when they can be bothered to come to see us but obviously it's not my place to say that and it'd not really be condusive(sp?) to making them want to come to our house :rotfl:

I think now that we should go to Brighton for lunch but pick the kids up at 6pm and have the evening at our house but I know the kids don't want to be at ours and don't want to force them and DH says that his parents like to see them on Christmas Day.

I should point out that DSD doesn't usually have any problems coming to ours, in fact we get on really well, but compared to a big extended family bash with lots of cousins we're probably a bit dull as there's just DH, myself and DS (who will now have no other kids about for the whole of Christmas.) I think that they (the stepkids) should never have been given the idea that they could go to the party in the first place when it was 'our' year given that they will see all their relatives on CHristmas Eve anyway.

So, what do we do (not including looking on last minute dot come because we've already tried that and we can't afford it :rotfl: ) and am I right to be feeling hurt/angry/used?

I'm not surprised you're upset, no.

How old are your stepkids? If they're teenagers then perhaps you just have to accept that they will decide where they are at Christmas?:(

I certainly wouldn't be taking 2 cars up and down the south-west on Christmas day, just so they can attend this family party. It's unreasonable to ask that of you IMO.

Would it not be possible for you to swap with their mum and make it so as you regularly have them over Christmas eve til Christmas day, if there's always going to be this family event of her's on Boxing day?

FatVonD

Seanymph wrote: »

Personally I wouldn't see them on Christmas day. I would say 'we would love to see you, but as its' only for a few hours we think that you should spend that at home, and we will pick you up after the do on boxing day so you can come visit for a few days.

I love that idea but I know DH would be devastated not to see his kids on Christmas Day

Seanymph wrote: »

Another option may be for the ex to deliver them and for you to take them back - but looking at the set up here I suspect she wouldn't be that amenable.

Got it in one!

FatVonD

elvis86 wrote: »

I'm not surprised you're upset, no.

How old are your stepkids? If they're teenagers then perhaps you just have to accept that they will decide where they are at Christmas?:(

They're 12, 16 and 19

elvis86 wrote: »

Would it not be possible for you to swap with their mum and make it so as you regularly have them over Christmas eve til Christmas day, if there's always going to be this family event of her's on Boxing day?

we're going to try, I suggested this last night and DH is going to put it to their mum but he doesn't think she'll agree. The kids also have a new baby sister now and I suspect she'll say they want to see her open her presents.

Seanymph

Then let DH go visit. Take one car and himself, see his kids, drop in his presents and then come back to the party.

daska

What a faff. Maybe the way to deal with this is to suggest that they might prefer to spend the full day there this year as they obviously have a big family party arranged but you all move to the more standard 'alternate Xmas' arrangement?

Edit: At 12, 16 and 19 they're old enough to make up their own minds. Perhaps a suggestion that the 19 year old does the driving might be appropriate

Sambucus_Nigra

FatVonD wrote: »

They're 12, 16 and 19
The kids also have a new baby sister now and I suspect she'll say they want to see her open her presents.

And why wouldn't they?

FatVonD

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

And why wouldn't they?

Of course, I agree, there's no way we can compete (though a puppy might come close )